pathological2
09-15-2005, 02:35 PM
"Compassion is broken now
My will is eroded now
Desire is broken now
And it makes me feel ugly"
-Just a description of some of the symptons/side effects of being at the bottom. In my case, "the bottom" is the bottom I hit during active heroin addiction. It could be any bottom, though. Any self-destructive path can lead to a bottom (gambling, overeating, prostitution, etc.) The devil inside has become my master and took my willl from me. I have no real desires. But there is a light. I no longer have compassion for the monster - I no longer believe his lies. I'm not listening to him anymore. But that will be talked about further later.
"On my knees and burning
My piss and moans are fuel and
Set my head on fire
Smell my soul is burning"
-My piss and moans are the fuel for the internal monster to survive in me. My soul has been destroyed at this point (it's not gone, I just have not connection/communication with it).
"Looking up to see the enemy
I swallowed the poison you feed me
But I survive on the poison you feed me"
-Ah, the SQUARING-OFF BETWEEN. I'm in the third eye reality and look up and see the enemy. The enemy is the monster inside who has fooled me into my own self-destruction. I tell HIM - I swallowed your poison but it hasn't killed me, I'm still here mother fucker. And I've realized what you have done and I'm at the bottom. I'm not listening anymore!
"Guilt fed, hatred fed, weakness fed
It makes me feel ugly"
-I've swallowed the enemy's poison -guilt, hatred, and weakness. This is what has led to my downfall with drugs. And I feel so fucking ugly because of it (on the outside and the inside).
"Dead inside"
-At the bottom, my emotions are all dormant. I can feel nothing, I'm numb. There is no connection to my soul.
"Shit adds up at the bottom"
-Shit adds up, meaning "shit starts making sense at the bottom" or "I can finally see now at the bottom". I see the truth now that I've lost everything. It took this huge fall just to see my self-destruction. I've had to lose everything. But I'm alive and I can start to rebuild. Cause shit adds up and I'm not listening to the enemy anymore, I can see him in his truest light and will not be fooled, therefore will not act, therefore will not go down.
"If I let you, you would make me destroy myself
In order to survive you, I must first survive myself"
-The "you" being the enemy, if I let it, I would go past the bottom and die. I would literally kill myself. In order to survive the enemy, I must first survive myself. I must first ACCEPT myself (all my insecurities and imperfections, all the leverage the enemy uses against me).
"I can sink no further and I cannot forgive you."
-I'm reached the bottom. I've lost everything. I can't go any further down this path. If I do, I'm a dead duck. And I cannot forgive what you, the enemy, has done to me, for this. I cannot forget! I have to see your method to get past it.
"There is no choice but to confront you
To engage you to erase you"
-I have to come here, to the third eye reality, to square off with the beast. The squaring-off between is simply engaging yourself with the enemy. This is the only way to erase it and start over.
"I've gone to great lengths to expand my threshold of pain
I will use my mistakes against you
There's no other choice."
-My threshold of pain is increased here, in the squaring-off state, getting beaten down by the enemy, but it has not helped cause it's gotten me nowhere. I will use my mistakes against the enemy. All I've done that is wrong to get me here is the enemy's fault. I'm shifting the blame/the fault. After all, YOU ARE NOT INNOCENT in this. There is no other choice.
"Nameless now
Shameless now
Nothing now
Noone now"
-All the labels and names the enemy has put on me and made me to be, well, there gone now. I'm not ashamed anymore. It's the enemy that has gotten me here. All the shit I was using drugs over, well, it means nothing now. I'm no one now.
"I'm naked and fearless"
-I'm at the bottom. What else can I fear? It's my fear that has gotten me here. I can sink no further. I'm naked, I have nothing, I have to start completely over. I'm fearless.
"Hatred keeps me alive
Ugliness keeps me alive
Weakness keeps me alive
Guilt keeps me alive at the bottom"
-My hatred for the enemy and what he's done to me.
The ugliness I feel and see when aware of the destruction; of what I've done to myself.
The guilt I have for what I have done (I am not innocent either).
All this is what keeps me alive at the bottom. It gives me reason to change and to live on.
(OR)
-The hatred for myself, the ugliness I feel about myself, the guilt I feel over what I've done - all that shit keeps me alive somehow at the bottom. Just like when he says "I swallowed the poison you feed me but I survive on it". I don't die, I go into that world and get stronger in a sick way. I sell my soul and live, raising the enemy's glory.
I don't know, that last part kind of confuses me.
My will is eroded now
Desire is broken now
And it makes me feel ugly"
-Just a description of some of the symptons/side effects of being at the bottom. In my case, "the bottom" is the bottom I hit during active heroin addiction. It could be any bottom, though. Any self-destructive path can lead to a bottom (gambling, overeating, prostitution, etc.) The devil inside has become my master and took my willl from me. I have no real desires. But there is a light. I no longer have compassion for the monster - I no longer believe his lies. I'm not listening to him anymore. But that will be talked about further later.
"On my knees and burning
My piss and moans are fuel and
Set my head on fire
Smell my soul is burning"
-My piss and moans are the fuel for the internal monster to survive in me. My soul has been destroyed at this point (it's not gone, I just have not connection/communication with it).
"Looking up to see the enemy
I swallowed the poison you feed me
But I survive on the poison you feed me"
-Ah, the SQUARING-OFF BETWEEN. I'm in the third eye reality and look up and see the enemy. The enemy is the monster inside who has fooled me into my own self-destruction. I tell HIM - I swallowed your poison but it hasn't killed me, I'm still here mother fucker. And I've realized what you have done and I'm at the bottom. I'm not listening anymore!
"Guilt fed, hatred fed, weakness fed
It makes me feel ugly"
-I've swallowed the enemy's poison -guilt, hatred, and weakness. This is what has led to my downfall with drugs. And I feel so fucking ugly because of it (on the outside and the inside).
"Dead inside"
-At the bottom, my emotions are all dormant. I can feel nothing, I'm numb. There is no connection to my soul.
"Shit adds up at the bottom"
-Shit adds up, meaning "shit starts making sense at the bottom" or "I can finally see now at the bottom". I see the truth now that I've lost everything. It took this huge fall just to see my self-destruction. I've had to lose everything. But I'm alive and I can start to rebuild. Cause shit adds up and I'm not listening to the enemy anymore, I can see him in his truest light and will not be fooled, therefore will not act, therefore will not go down.
"If I let you, you would make me destroy myself
In order to survive you, I must first survive myself"
-The "you" being the enemy, if I let it, I would go past the bottom and die. I would literally kill myself. In order to survive the enemy, I must first survive myself. I must first ACCEPT myself (all my insecurities and imperfections, all the leverage the enemy uses against me).
"I can sink no further and I cannot forgive you."
-I'm reached the bottom. I've lost everything. I can't go any further down this path. If I do, I'm a dead duck. And I cannot forgive what you, the enemy, has done to me, for this. I cannot forget! I have to see your method to get past it.
"There is no choice but to confront you
To engage you to erase you"
-I have to come here, to the third eye reality, to square off with the beast. The squaring-off between is simply engaging yourself with the enemy. This is the only way to erase it and start over.
"I've gone to great lengths to expand my threshold of pain
I will use my mistakes against you
There's no other choice."
-My threshold of pain is increased here, in the squaring-off state, getting beaten down by the enemy, but it has not helped cause it's gotten me nowhere. I will use my mistakes against the enemy. All I've done that is wrong to get me here is the enemy's fault. I'm shifting the blame/the fault. After all, YOU ARE NOT INNOCENT in this. There is no other choice.
"Nameless now
Shameless now
Nothing now
Noone now"
-All the labels and names the enemy has put on me and made me to be, well, there gone now. I'm not ashamed anymore. It's the enemy that has gotten me here. All the shit I was using drugs over, well, it means nothing now. I'm no one now.
"I'm naked and fearless"
-I'm at the bottom. What else can I fear? It's my fear that has gotten me here. I can sink no further. I'm naked, I have nothing, I have to start completely over. I'm fearless.
"Hatred keeps me alive
Ugliness keeps me alive
Weakness keeps me alive
Guilt keeps me alive at the bottom"
-My hatred for the enemy and what he's done to me.
The ugliness I feel and see when aware of the destruction; of what I've done to myself.
The guilt I have for what I have done (I am not innocent either).
All this is what keeps me alive at the bottom. It gives me reason to change and to live on.
(OR)
-The hatred for myself, the ugliness I feel about myself, the guilt I feel over what I've done - all that shit keeps me alive somehow at the bottom. Just like when he says "I swallowed the poison you feed me but I survive on it". I don't die, I go into that world and get stronger in a sick way. I sell my soul and live, raising the enemy's glory.
I don't know, that last part kind of confuses me.