"Compassion is broken now
My will is eroded now
Desire is broken now
And it makes me feel ugly"
-Just a description of some of the symptons/side effects of being at the bottom. In my case, "the bottom" is the bottom I hit during active heroin addiction. It could be any bottom, though. Any self-destructive path can lead to a bottom (gambling, overeating, prostitution, etc.) The devil inside has become my master and took my willl from me. I have no real desires. But there is a light. I no longer have compassion for the monster - I no longer believe his lies. I'm not listening to him anymore. But that will be talked about further later.
"On my knees and burning
My piss and moans are fuel and
Set my head on fire
Smell my soul is burning"
-My piss and moans are the fuel for the internal monster to survive in me. My soul has been destroyed at this point (it's not gone, I just have not connection/communication with it).
"Looking up to see the enemy
I swallowed the poison you feed me
But I survive on the poison you feed me"
-Ah, the SQUARING-OFF BETWEEN. I'm in the third eye reality and look up and see the enemy. The enemy is the monster inside who has fooled me into my own self-destruction. I tell HIM - I swallowed your poison but it hasn't killed me, I'm still here mother fucker. And I've realized what you have done and I'm at the bottom. I'm not listening anymore!
"Guilt fed, hatred fed, weakness fed
It makes me feel ugly"
-I've swallowed the enemy's poison -guilt, hatred, and weakness. This is what has led to my downfall with drugs. And I feel so fucking ugly because of it (on the outside and the inside).
"Dead inside"
-At the bottom, my emotions are all dormant. I can feel nothing, I'm numb. There is no connection to my soul.
"Shit adds up at the bottom"
-Shit adds up, meaning "shit starts making sense at the bottom" or "I can finally see now at the bottom". I see the truth now that I've lost everything. It took this huge fall just to see my self-destruction. I've had to lose everything. But I'm alive and I can start to rebuild. Cause shit adds up and I'm not listening to the enemy anymore, I can see him in his truest light and will not be fooled, therefore will not act, therefore will not go down.
"If I let you, you would make me destroy myself
In order to survive you, I must first survive myself"
-The "you" being the enemy, if I let it, I would go past the bottom and die. I would literally kill myself. In order to survive the enemy, I must first survive myself. I must first ACCEPT myself (all my insecurities and imperfections, all the leverage the enemy uses against me).
"I can sink no further and I cannot forgive you."
-I'm reached the bottom. I've lost everything. I can't go any further down this path. If I do, I'm a dead duck. And I cannot forgive what you, the enemy, has done to me, for this. I cannot forget! I have to see your method to get past it.
"There is no choice but to confront you
To engage you to erase you"
-I have to come here, to the third eye reality, to square off with the beast. The squaring-off between is simply engaging yourself with the enemy. This is the only way to erase it and start over.
"I've gone to great lengths to expand my threshold of pain
I will use my mistakes against you
There's no other choice."
-My threshold of pain is increased here, in the squaring-off state, getting beaten down by the enemy, but it has not helped cause it's gotten me nowhere. I will use my mistakes against the enemy. All I've done that is wrong to get me here is the enemy's fault. I'm shifting the blame/the fault. After all, YOU ARE NOT INNOCENT in this. There is no other choice.
"Nameless now
Shameless now
Nothing now
Noone now"
-All the labels and names the enemy has put on me and made me to be, well, there gone now. I'm not ashamed anymore. It's the enemy that has gotten me here. All the shit I was using drugs over, well, it means nothing now. I'm no one now.
"I'm naked and fearless"
-I'm at the bottom. What else can I fear? It's my fear that has gotten me here. I can sink no further. I'm naked, I have nothing, I have to start completely over. I'm fearless.
"Hatred keeps me alive
Ugliness keeps me alive
Weakness keeps me alive
Guilt keeps me alive at the bottom"
-My hatred for the enemy and what he's done to me.
The ugliness I feel and see when aware of the destruction; of what I've done to myself.
The guilt I have for what I have done (I am not innocent either).
All this is what keeps me alive at the bottom. It gives me reason to change and to live on.
(OR)
-The hatred for myself, the ugliness I feel about myself, the guilt I feel over what I've done - all that shit keeps me alive somehow at the bottom. Just like when he says "I swallowed the poison you feed me but I survive on it". I don't die, I go into that world and get stronger in a sick way. I sell my soul and live, raising the enemy's glory.
I don't know, that last part kind of confuses me.
__________________ Calm these hands before they snare another pill
And drive another nail down another meaty hole
Please release me...
Being at the bottom, it is a very contradictory state. Your fearless, you see the truth finally, and you're ready to start living again. You're ready to connect again. But on the flip side, you've been stripped of EVERYTHING WORTH LIVING FOR. You're dead inside (which seems to be the overall repeating phrase in the song). You have lost everything and have to start to rebuild with almost nothing. And if this isn't your first bottom, then you've probably burnt some bridges. And if it's in the two-digits, well then, you probably have no one that's gonna help you. (no one now!) I know the feeling all too well.
__________________ Calm these hands before they snare another pill
And drive another nail down another meaty hole
Please release me...
I like your thinking but I think in the end he's refering to his rapist and how he's feels after it. I like your thinking though. In the end everyone feels similar feelings to what is described in the song. Excellent post.
Being at the bottom, it is a very contradictory state. Your fearless, you see the truth finally, and you're ready to start living again. You're ready to connect again. But on the flip side, you've been stripped of EVERYTHING WORTH LIVING FOR. You're dead inside (which seems to be the overall repeating phrase in the song). You have lost everything and have to start to rebuild with almost nothing. And if this isn't your first bottom, then you've probably burnt some bridges. And if it's in the two-digits, well then, you probably have no one that's gonna help you. (no one now!) I know the feeling all too well.
I know exactly where you are coming from....I too have been in that state and still seem to be in that state....I wonder if I can ever escape it.....
__________________ Holy Jesus! What are these god damned animals?!?!
I think he's gathering that it's his father since other tracks apparently cover that (Prison Sex particularly). But does it really matter WHO does the abusing? It's destructive either way.
__________________ I wish I understood this band half as much as I pretend to.
I think he's gathering that it's his father since other tracks apparently cover that (Prison Sex particularly). But does it really matter WHO does the abusing? It's destructive either way.
Have you ever thinked it was the System? Remember track # 1 "Intolerance" (But you lie, cheat and steal). Maybe he could mean "Fuck the system, it raped me" or someone that raped him in the army. What does it matter if the message "Fuck you all" is clear?
__________________ The moon is out ♫ the stars invite... I think I'll leave ♪ tonight ♫
I think it's more likely to be his dad because it has to be someone who was in his life for a significant amount of time to make him feel as he describes. Also, more often than not it is the dad who does such abuse. Also because of the clues from Prison Sex.
