opin.menu.register.jpgopin.menu.members.jpgopin.menu.forumfaq.jpgopin.menu.search.jpgopin.menu.home.jpgview our wiki

Go Back  The Tool Page: Opinion » Creativity » Poetry & Prose
User Name
Password
Reply
Old 08-21-2006, 10:50 PM   #1
Level 6 - Very Deep Thinker
 
A groan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: next door
Posts: 100
Bincount™: 57
5400 seconds.

Alkaloids fuel a racing synapse, metabolic stimulation has surpassed transient disorders.

90 minutes.. 90 minutes will be enough.

A personification of the passive observer ends no thoughts of tension.
...breathe in..release.
Tremble with apprehension while bruxism peels enamel, a psychological half-life that fears floods of adenosine.

If I can get 90 minutes it will be enough.

A fondation of springs and polyester support apendages that shudder. Tibia resonates steel, oscillation with no conscious thought.
..breathe in..release.
Neural circuitry fused with adrenaline immersed in quiet panic..

90 minutes..I can do that.
__________________
KONICHIWA BITCHES!
OFFLINE |   Reply With Quote
Old 08-22-2006, 03:49 AM   #2
Banned.
 
Wild Goose's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: England
Posts: 241
Bincount™: 4
Re: 5400 seconds.

This poem is extremely wordy. If it takes too much effort for the reader to interpret the first sentence/stanza/thingy, then they're bound to just throw down the entire poem and move on to the next one. I read the whole thing and I have absolutely no idea what you're trying to say, that's a sign that you need to stick to your message a little more and rethink how you convey it. By the way: 'fondation'? I'm guessing that was supposed to be foundation? Maybe I'm wrong. Keep writing/posting on here, I want to see more of your stuff. -Travis
OFFLINE |   Reply With Quote
Old 08-22-2006, 11:37 AM   #3
Level 5 - Deep Thinker
 
FrayedSanity3's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Illinois
Posts: 70
Bincount™: 37
Re: 5400 seconds.

I agree with Wild Goose. I think it's too wordy. When I read poems that are too wordy, it sometimes appears that the author had an idea, but they didn't think it was strong enough so they added more and more words to make it sound more "deep".

I know that's just an assumption, and might not be the case here. It's hard for the reader to get wrapped into it if every other word they have to stop and figure out what you're saying. In order for a poem to be deep, it does not need to have very complicated words. I'm not suggesting you use extremely simple words, but perhaps it's more effective to use smaller words which have a more powerful meaning to them. I'm not sure, maybe its just me.

I do, however, like the use of repetition.
__________________
I fear I'm the only one who thinks this way.
OFFLINE |   Reply With Quote
Old 08-22-2006, 03:05 PM   #4
Level 8 - Vociferous
 
Grey Skiez's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Grand Rapids, MI
Posts: 712
Bincount™: 935
Re: 5400 seconds.

ditto.

It's nice to be articulate, but not always entirely necessary in writing. Some of the best poetry out there isn't so damn wordy. It's more about placement...

imo...obviously.
__________________
Life > Death
OFFLINE |   Reply With Quote
Old 08-23-2006, 12:13 AM   #5
Level 6 - Very Deep Thinker
 
A groan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: next door
Posts: 100
Bincount™: 57
Re: 5400 seconds.

I hate to go into it since it makes sense to me yet I know can be baffling...but it basically revolves around another one of my nights of insomnia, add in the fact all the coffee, laying in bed with shaky legs, anxiousness and caffiene making me grind my teeth.
I was wired off a 36 hour binge..needed 90 minutes of sleep at least. During which Ill read about whats runnin through my head and body, words about my body of the additives to my situation Ill write down when they catch my eye.
__________________
KONICHIWA BITCHES!
OFFLINE |   Reply With Quote
Old 08-23-2006, 02:30 AM   #6
Banned.
 
Wild Goose's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: England
Posts: 241
Bincount™: 4
Re: 5400 seconds.

Quote:
Originally Posted by A groan View Post
I hate to go into it since it makes sense to me yet I know can be baffling...but it basically revolves around another one of my nights of insomnia, add in the fact all the coffee, laying in bed with shaky legs, anxiousness and caffiene making me grind my teeth.
I was wired off a 36 hour binge..needed 90 minutes of sleep at least. During which Ill read about whats runnin through my head and body, words about my body of the additives to my situation Ill write down when they catch my eye.

That's good that you're a spontaneous writer. It can be pretty therapeudic.
OFFLINE |   Reply With Quote
Old 08-24-2006, 10:41 PM   #7
Level 9 - Obstreperous
 
x7 Lateralus 7x's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: earth
Posts: 1,560
Bincount™: 1142
Re: 5400 seconds.

It's stuff like this that makes me think the writer likes to hear himself talk... I'm quite full of assumptions I guess, most of the times I'm not far off wrong.

But yeah I agree too, and I didn't understand one word of it- I should learn some new words I guess. I'm sure it was good don't get me wrong, it's just that it's in another language lol.
__________________
Rotten Peaches
OFFLINE |   Reply With Quote
Old 08-24-2006, 10:42 PM   #8
Level 9 - Obstreperous
 
x7 Lateralus 7x's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: earth
Posts: 1,560
Bincount™: 1142
Re: 5400 seconds.

What's Bincount? It's shown under your Posts, I've never seen that there before O.o
__________________
Rotten Peaches
OFFLINE |   Reply With Quote
Old 08-26-2006, 05:59 AM   #9
Level 5 - Deep Thinker
 
FrayedSanity3's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Illinois
Posts: 70
Bincount™: 37
Re: 5400 seconds.

Quote:
Originally Posted by x7 Lateralus 7x View Post
What's Bincount?

Just a guess, but I think it's how many of your posts are in the recycling bin.
__________________
I fear I'm the only one who thinks this way.
OFFLINE |   Reply With Quote


Reply

Rate This Thread
You have already rated this thread
« Previous Thread | Next Thread »

Quick Reply
Your Reply:
Forum Jump

all posts © their respective authors. the tool page is not responsible for any of their thoughts, brilliant or otherwise.