opin.menu.register.jpgopin.menu.members.jpgopin.menu.forumfaq.jpgopin.menu.search.jpgopin.menu.home.jpgview our wiki

Go Back  The Tool Page: Opinion » Creativity » Poetry & Prose
User Name
Password
Reply
Old 12-13-2004, 09:13 PM   #1
Level 7 - Loquacious
 
LEARN.2.SWiM's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: milwaukee, wi
Posts: 223
Bincount™: 8
The Ghost

one of my newer songs, plz some feedback:

The ghost just turned around
And theres a look in his eyes
That says he's safe and sound
And asked if i wouldnt mind
If he could stay with me
'Cause hes a little affraid
To take it on himself
And just go back to his grave

Just Go

It's getting a little cold in here
The ghost is getting near
Well i wish that he'd just dissapear
Or go away from here

And everytime the ghost
Takes another look at me
I'm winded and i choke
And now ill never be the same

The ghost just left me now
And theres that look in his eyes
And i feel lost somehow
Without him by my side
I wish he'd stay with me
'Cause im a little affraid
To take it on myself
And just go on with the day.



then the chorus' again.
__________________
negative-ions.com
OFFLINE |   Reply With Quote
Old 12-14-2004, 04:40 AM   #2
Level 6 - Very Deep Thinker
 
atrophiedcompassion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: DALLAS
Posts: 142
Bincount™: 2
Re: The Ghost

Quote:
Originally Posted by LEARN.2.SWiM
one of my newer songs, plz some feedback:

It's getting a little cold in here
The ghost is getting near
Well i wish that he'd just dissapear
Or go away from here

And everytime the ghost
Takes another look at me
I'm winded and i choke
And now ill never be the same
Out of curiosity what are you considering these lines? Some types of Bridges? I am guessing you have at least 3 main riffs? Verse, Chorus, Bridge? Bridge?, Verse, Chorus right?

I think the Idea/concept along with the content is good. The only thing that didn't work for me in the lyrics was "The Ghost" refrences. I have no Idea why but it just seems that something else...describing the same thing would fit better to me..IMHO......

Also is there any thing else to the Chorus...repeats of "Just Go" etc?
__________________
I've done the the math enough to know the dangers of a second guessing
Doomed to crumble unless we grow, and strengthen our communication
OFFLINE |   Reply With Quote
Old 12-14-2004, 06:00 AM   #3
Level 5 - Deep Thinker
 
GAiDEN-CHaKRa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: dead ohio
Posts: 91
Bincount™: 1
Re: The Ghost

those two lines are the prechorus and the chorus, Just Go leads up to the chorus
__________________
...best to keep things in the shallow end.
OFFLINE |   Reply With Quote
Old 12-14-2004, 06:06 AM   #4
Level 6 - Very Deep Thinker
 
atrophiedcompassion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: DALLAS
Posts: 142
Bincount™: 2
Re: The Ghost

Quote:
Originally Posted by LEARN.2.SWiM
Ah.....

Pre Chorus:
Just Go

Chorus:
It's getting a little cold in here
The ghost is getting near
Well i wish that he'd just dissapear
Or go away from here

And everytime the ghost
Takes another look at me
I'm winded and i choke
And now ill never be the same
That what you mean?
__________________
I've done the the math enough to know the dangers of a second guessing
Doomed to crumble unless we grow, and strengthen our communication
OFFLINE |   Reply With Quote
Old 12-14-2004, 06:12 AM   #5
Level 5 - Deep Thinker
 
GAiDEN-CHaKRa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: dead ohio
Posts: 91
Bincount™: 1
Re: The Ghost

nope, :D

Prechorus:
It's getting a little cold in here
The ghost is getting near
Well i wish that he'd just dissapear
Or go away from here

Chorus
And everytime the ghost
Takes another look at me
I'm winded and i choke
And now ill never be the same



"just go" kind of just builds it up. the verse itself is very calm, then the choruses are heavy, so Just Go is kind of shouted/grumbled to build it up
__________________
...best to keep things in the shallow end.
OFFLINE |   Reply With Quote
Old 12-14-2004, 08:26 AM   #6
Level 6 - Very Deep Thinker
 
atrophiedcompassion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: DALLAS
Posts: 142
Bincount™: 2
Re: The Ghost

Quote:
Originally Posted by GAiDEN-CHaKRa
nope, :D

Prechorus:
It's getting a little cold in here
The ghost is getting near
Well i wish that he'd just dissapear
Or go away from here

Chorus
And everytime the ghost
Takes another look at me
I'm winded and i choke
And now ill never be the same



"just go" kind of just builds it up. the verse itself is very calm, then the choruses are heavy, so Just Go is kind of shouted/grumbled to build it up

Ah kewl....thanks for the break down....
__________________
I've done the the math enough to know the dangers of a second guessing
Doomed to crumble unless we grow, and strengthen our communication
OFFLINE |   Reply With Quote
Old 12-15-2004, 09:42 AM   #7
Level 7 - Loquacious
 
endlesswater's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: AZ
Posts: 208
Bincount™: 1
Re: The Ghost

I like it :)
__________________
Chornyi-
This body, this body holding me, feeling eternal
All this pain is an illusion.
http://www.angelfire.com/psy/meerkat/
RISHLOO- http://www.rishloo.com
*Adopted by peachyyy- my new mom!!!*
OFFLINE |   Reply With Quote
Old 12-16-2004, 06:20 AM   #8
Level 7 - Loquacious
 
LEARN.2.SWiM's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: milwaukee, wi
Posts: 223
Bincount™: 8
Re: The Ghost

thx mucho :D
__________________
negative-ions.com
OFFLINE |   Reply With Quote


Reply

Rate This Thread
You have already rated this thread
« Previous Thread | Next Thread »

Quick Reply
Your Reply:
Forum Jump

all posts © their respective authors. the tool page is not responsible for any of their thoughts, brilliant or otherwise.