Pulled, like hesitant California poppies,
we sway, lean, rise,
and then we calm again.
Graceful, like even the darkest of the Pacific,
we reach, hope, try
and eventually subside.
We sway, lean, rise, reach, hope, try, and
fall,
and then we are, again, just as we have always been.
Very nice split comparison, to anchor your original allegory. I thought this was a brilliant metaphorical approach at the cycling of life.
MrMcPheezy, you definately have my respect. I enjoyed every bit of your writing. You set intricate tones and carefully placed ideas to captivate those lost in the everyday, although in my eyes chaotic, eternal return....
Job well done.....
__________________ I've done the the math enough to know the dangers of a second guessing
Doomed to crumble unless we grow, and strengthen our communication
One thing: the word "fall," is supposed to appear over the word "always", as though it had simply fallen out of place. Unfortunately, I don't think I can structure it like that here.
But yeah. Thanks again for the comment,s and I'm glad you enjoyed them. I'm also quite glad that you used the word "cycle", as that's almost exactly what I was hoping to convey.
fantastic sense of imagery...great consistency...good metaphoirical purpose..........over all an excellent poem..............i especailly enjoyed the segmented parts which gave the poem a dramatic, slow, dilberate feel and generally drew the whole thing togethe.......i may attempt to use this technique in my own works sometime..........great job, McPhezzy, thanks for posting such a delightful work
__________________ Beneath my self-indulgent pitiful hole,
I may find peace within the emptiness...
Its time for you to make the sacrifce
Its time to die a little, give it up...
fantastic sense of imagery...great consistency...good metaphoirical purpose..........over all an excellent poem..............i especailly enjoyed the segmented parts which gave the poem a dramatic, slow, dilberate feel and generally drew the whole thing togethe.......i may attempt to use this technique in my own works sometime..........great job, McPhezzy, thanks for posting such a delightful work
Thank you. Glad I could (possibly) influence some of your own work. I really enjoy working in this...series form. It's interesting.
I have to say that I always liked your work. This one [like the other two you posted] is good but I must say that you have done better, like the aorta versions (I think that's how you called 3 poems you posted here not long time ago).
Thanks, vatas. I too am currently a bigger fan of the aorta versions, but I'm slowly realizing and figuring out more and more about these, so...we'll see. I may post some comments on these myself sometime. Heh.
Anyways. Yeah, this may or may not be my best work, but it's the first thing I've written in months that hasn't been terrible, so I'm definitely feeling good about it. Hoping (with fingers crossed) that these may be the beginning of the end of the writer's block I've been struggling with.
Pheezy I'll be honest with you-not your strongest effort. The flow and timing was good. You seem to like trilogy structures, and that's fine. But here it didn't really work because the theme didn't seem to have enough depth to require more than one piece, and parts 1 and 3 were so similar that it seemed give a lag effect to your metaphor. The imagery didn't really work for me at all, either. Too 'flowery' I guess. Huh, that was a pun. But like I said, I really liked the timing, and the way you structured the flow. Especially in this final one.
Pheezy I'll be honest with you-not your strongest effort. The flow and timing was good. You seem to like trilogy structures, and that's fine. But here it didn't really work because the theme didn't seem to have enough depth to require more than one piece, and parts 1 and 3 were so similar that it seemed give a lag effect to your metaphor. The imagery didn't really work for me at all, either. Too 'flowery' I guess. Huh, that was a pun. But like I said, I really liked the timing, and the way you structured the flow. Especially in this final one.
Thanks for the comments, and the honesty, hogpile.
I guess I disagree with you though. I really feel like there is depth enough in what I've got.
I mean. The first part introduces the images. It elaborates on them a bit. At the end of that piece, there is mention of a "gentle ascent" and an "inevitble decline".
The second piece is a description of the "gentle ascent" mentioned above.
The third and final piece is a description of the "inevitible decline". The end of this piece also shifts the focus from the rising and falling (and the pros and cons of those motions) to the simple fact that we are always in motion. It doesn't really matter what direction we're headed - moving in any direction is better than not moving at all. Even if you're moving downward, you will eventually rise again, making downward movement better than stagnation.
Now, I'm unsure if this intent is directly clear, or if it just makes sense to me.
What actually happened with this...well, I wrote the first one, and thought about just leaving it at that. But then I realized that there was no point. There was no purpose to reading that by itself. So, I drew it out a little more, and attempted to make the point that I just made. Maybe it's unclear. I don't know.
I've realized, that although I initially meant for this to be a romantic piece, it can be looked at a number of ways. It can be used to describe any type of interaction, or even the course of life for an individual. Also, my intended point about motion being better than stagnation...it doesn't have to be read that way. It could be read much moire negatively, saying that...no matter how tall you rise or how high you reach, you will end up lower than you started.
I don't know. I've realized most of this after reading each piece numerous times. Maybe the pieces are not written well enough to convey these points to others, but I see them, and like the writing because of it's versatility and ambiguity.
So. Thank you again for your comments. Maybe my response has shed some more light, and added a bit more depth? I don't know. Regardless, I'm glad you didn't hate it. As I think I said, this is the first thing I've written in months, so I'm quite proud of it, as it is far superior to everything else I've written since aorta.
Yeah. Thanks again. I always appreciate your comments.
Thanks for the comments, and the honesty, hogpile.
I guess I disagree with you though. I really feel like there is depth enough in what I've got.
I mean. The first part introduces the images. It elaborates on them a bit. At the end of that piece, there is mention of a "gentle ascent" and an "inevitble decline".
The second piece is a description of the "gentle ascent" mentioned above.
The third and final piece is a description of the "inevitible decline". The end of this piece also shifts the focus from the rising and falling (and the pros and cons of those motions) to the simple fact that we are always in motion. It doesn't really matter what direction we're headed - moving in any direction is better than not moving at all. Even if you're moving downward, you will eventually rise again, making downward movement better than stagnation.
Now, I'm unsure if this intent is directly clear, or if it just makes sense to me.
What actually happened with this...well, I wrote the first one, and thought about just leaving it at that. But then I realized that there was no point. There was no purpose to reading that by itself. So, I drew it out a little more, and attempted to make the point that I just made. Maybe it's unclear. I don't know.
I've realized, that although I initially meant for this to be a romantic piece, it can be looked at a number of ways. It can be used to describe any type of interaction, or even the course of life for an individual. Also, my intended point about motion being better than stagnation...it doesn't have to be read that way. It could be read much moire negatively, saying that...no matter how tall you rise or how high you reach, you will end up lower than you started.
I don't know. I've realized most of this after reading each piece numerous times. Maybe the pieces are not written well enough to convey these points to others, but I see them, and like the writing because of it's versatility and ambiguity.
So. Thank you again for your comments. Maybe my response has shed some more light, and added a bit more depth? I don't know. Regardless, I'm glad you didn't hate it. As I think I said, this is the first thing I've written in months, so I'm quite proud of it, as it is far superior to everything else I've written since aorta.
Yeah. Thanks again. I always appreciate your comments.
Yeah, this adds a little more understanding to the piece. I guess my biggest problem with it, is the metaphor of the poppies. Just not my glass of beer, I guess. Again, that's no fault of your work, just my personal preferences. I was just being honest that it didn't quite catch me the way your other work has.
However: I didn't take this piece as romantic or whatever, so there I guess I misinterpreted it. I took this piece to be about the plight of humanity. or about the "decline" of a person individually. That was my understanding, and the wrong one apparently.
Also: It's good to see that your writers block has been broken, and believe me, I know what you mean about how good it feels to write something you're proud of, after being blocked for so long. Anyway, not my favorite of yours, but like I said, my favorite part of it was the timing and rhythm.
Hopefully you'll post some more soon, I always enjoy reading your work. I plan to post some shit of my own here soon hopefully, and of course would enjoy your comments/advice/suggestions.
However: I didn't take this piece as romantic or whatever, so there I guess I misinterpreted it. I took this piece to be about the plight of humanity. or about the "decline" of a person individually. That was my understanding, and the wrong one apparently.
No. You did not interpret it incorrectly. Your interpretation simply differed from my intent, which is fine. Actually, it's more than fine. The author's intent is more or less irrelevant. What matters is how people read it, and what they get from it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hogpile
I plan to post some shit of my own here soon hopefully, and of course would enjoy your comments/advice/suggestions.
I would, of course, enjoying commenting/advicing/suggesting.
LOL.. wow, that explains everything. No wonder my dad can't wait for retirement and become a deacon (no joke). Hope you gave it to her good, I don't think they have had sex in years. Damn, hogpile. I never knew you were into old hens with ultra-perms, half-crippled, and cross-eyed. That's awesome, man. So Hogpile, are you my father?
Awwww.. Yeah, there's nothing better than a good mom retort.
Hey pal, I don't give a shit how old she is. I mean, if the pace maker's-a-tickin, I give that shit-a-lickin. I call it community service. Reaching out to the elderly bitches.
LMAO. Question is, will you continue after she's dead? If so, say hello to the family for me. I'm sure they'll wave back as you're bured in the casket with her.
Actually, I feel ya man.. Older women need some luvin too. They also give the best blowjobs ever as long as they take off their dentures and wear depends.
You sick fuck, what does depends have to do with a bj?
Something goes in, something must come out. Natural law, man. Hell, you show know since you've been with my mom or you just didn't know while she crapped the bed? Fuck, I'd rather wake up with a horses head in my bed than that shit.
I'm so sorry that I brought up your mother now. Fuck I need a beer. And people say I'm a sick fuck. heh.
