Your point and your logic is, as usual, flawed and filled with discrepencies.
It also happens that I fucking disagree with you.
I think you disagreeing with me is the main problem.
I want attention drawn to my comments.
From my experience, kind comments recommending revision tend to get ignored. Passed over. Undervalued. Whatever.
Mean/rude comments get much more attention.
People will make post after post complaining about how mean I sounded when I recommend they mask the rhyme scheme in the poem.
Post after post complaining about how rude I was when I told them the voicing was unclear.
...
Need I continue?
Even in this thread, the author, after reading my initial post, went on to do a stanza by stanza explanation of their work. That is inherently beneficial, and probably wouldn't have happened had I been nicer.
I make my comments in the way I feel will get the author to pay the most attention to them, based on the way I've seen artistic critiquing occur online.
I think you disagreeing with me is the main problem.
I want attention drawn to my comments.
From my experience, kind comments recommending revision tend to get ignored. Passed over. Undervalued. Whatever.
Mean/rude comments get much more attention.
People will make post after post complaining about how mean I sounded when I recommend they mask the rhyme scheme in the poem.
Post after post complaining about how rude I was when I told them the voicing was unclear.
...
Need I continue?
Even in this thread, the author, after reading my initial post, went on to do a stanza by stanza explanation of their work. That is inherently beneficial, and probably wouldn't have happened had I been nicer.
I make my comments in the way I feel will get the author to pay the most attention to them, based on the way I've seen artistic critiquing occur online.
last night was awesome, the car ride there was funny... what did i say to you? oh sweet lady?
You expect me to remember shit after last night? -laughs- Nah, I wasn't *nearly* as bad as the Pheez over here. You just told me he wasn't drunk, I believe...that he was sober. Then some female came on saying he was 100% sober and just announced he was 100% gay.
I said that was depressing.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MrMcPheezy
*acts innocent* I don't know what you're talking about.
...arm's length.
__________________ Do you serve a purpose? or purposely serve?
You plug this bad boy into a wall outlet (the european compatable version is still getting the kinks worked out, we think it has something to do with the plug). Anyway, you plug this badass motherfucker in, and the power brick heats up, because it's not actually powering anything. Anyway, the heat soothes your mind, and sometimes can burn you or the notebad. This makes your writing process very refined. You will write faster, because it hurts, and because you might loose everything you've written... because it will catch fire. You're true emotion is captured.
You plug this bad boy into a wall outlet (the european compatable version is still getting the kinks worked out, we think it has something to do with the plug). Anyway, you plug this badass motherfucker in, and the power brick heats up, because it's not actually powering anything. Anyway, the heat soothes your mind, and sometimes can burn you or the notebad. This makes your writing process very refined. You will write faster, because it hurts, and because you might loose everything you've written... because it will catch fire. You're true emotion is captured.
At which point I started screaming "100% gay!" as loud as I could. If I remember correctly.
YES!!! the car ride would've have been better than the party, if it wern't for the naked lesbians, and chocolate wrestling. But we were pretty close to that in the car... i mean, you said, "Zeimen".... that's almost like a naked lesbian covered in chocolate.
hah, just like instead of using a "s", he used a "z" just like the parents of the person named "Ziemen" replaced a "s" with a "z" to create to worst name ever for a child.
hah, just like instead of using a "s", he used a "z" just like the parents of the person named "Ziemen" replaced a "s" with a "z" to create to worst name ever for a child.
haha. The name I then yelled at her as we drove past her.
i love vodka, vodka is my drink... yes, i like vodka. Like, it's just that i like it, maybe love it. I mean I said that I loved it in the first sentence, so I'd have to go with that statement. So, yeah I love vodka, like, it's just really easy to get drunk, and drink. It's pretty liquidy, so there's a good chance that your throat will be compatible with vodka's advanced body entering algorithms. Vodka's pretty tight.
i love vodka, vodka is my drink... yes, i like vodka. Like, it's just that i like it, maybe love it. I mean I said that I loved it in the first sentence, so I'd have to go with that statement. So, yeah I love vodka, like, it's just really easy to get drunk, and drink. It's pretty liquidy, so there's a good chance that your throat will be compatible with vodka's advanced body entering algorithms. Vodka's pretty tight.
...interesting :P
I just tried Southern Comfort last night...good stuff.
__________________ Do you serve a purpose? or purposely serve?
i've never had wiskey, i'd like to try it. How does it compare to vodka? Like, i mean, not how easy it is to type the word, because vodka wins... I don't know why you thought I meant it like that, I mean taste...
Who is the "your" in this statement? Starting a poem off with such a clear subject makes me expect that subject to be carried throughout the poem, which it is not. This stanza mentions some who hides in us until we break and tortures us until we break. That person is never mentioned again in the poem, though s/he is the focal point of this stanza. The moments you mentioned in where you feel fulfulled but also full of doubt...those moments are only mentioned in the first line of this stanza. The second, third, and fourth lines all deal with some character which appears to be the subject of the poem, but is never at all developed. Also. The way you describe the moments in the first line. All you say is that you feel comeplete. There are no signs of doubt, which was half of your description of them outside the poem. Yet we see no doubt at this point in the poem. You seem to think that this whole stanza focuses on the moments mentioned initially. It does not. Your use of the word "your" pushes the focus from those moments to some character we expect to learn about through the poem. Which we do not.
The Feeling torturing me , that feeling of doubt, no person; feeling, emotion
Quote:
Originally Posted by MrMcPheezy
Once again. This stanza focuses on some character. The speaker is speaking to the subject of the poem. The second and third lines aren't bad in that they reveal something about the relationship between the speaker and subject. However, there is no irony here, and I'm not sure why you think there is.
I'm referring to life as a human: Say something....;
I feel so cherished but still half broken.
Maybe even like a bunny being fucked by a bear…
Quote:
Originally Posted by MrMcPheezy
I see no doubt in religion here. If you were trying to convey it, you failed. Also, there is no mention of anything petty in this stanza. "God", "free will", murder, proof. None of those things could be desribed as petty. They are all quite large concepts. There is also no hypocrisy. I'm not sure why you think there is.
And as you are selfish everyday, consumed with yourself
Bigger things are around you, and most of us don't see them,
Maybe catching a glimpse, or having some feeling of knowing
but Not seeing
Quote:
Originally Posted by MrMcPheezy
What does this stanza at all have to do with religion not existing? Once again, what is the speakers merkaba on it's way to collide with? How is the speaker's merkaba colliding with something at all important? What lie did the subject tell?
A thought, that maybe religion doesn't matter, maybe it's about living or not living
No spirit, no after world....Nothing
Quote:
Originally Posted by MrMcPheezy
"The rock"? What the hell is "the rock" other than a shitty wrestler/actor? Who's dropping this supposed rock, and why is it at all important? Is the speaker dropping the rock? the subject? the reader? I can't tell, because this stanza is so poorly worded. And yeah. I understand the metaphor, but how does it relate to anything you've mentioned previously? No shit one duck isn't a flock. This metaphor is meaningless because it stands alone and is not at all relevant to the rest of the poem. It doesn't connect to anything else, and isn't strong enough to stand alone. Also, there is nothing wrong with using assertions that don't seem to fit together, but only if it does in a manner that makes it obvious that is the author's intent. Otherwise, it comes across as though you're trying to sound coherent and failing.
The feeling :I need just one reason to fall completely apart, one word, one meaningless event will tear me up...because I'm fed up with all the ignorance and shit , but still, I have to stay, and try to change
Quote:
Originally Posted by MrMcPheezy
Your explanation of this stanza does not at all seem to fit what it actually says. Who thinks they're right and is proven wrong and starts again? The subject thought s/he was right. The speaker knew s/he couldn't be, but somehow, also knew s/he would be. This makes zero fucking sense. What point are you trying to make, and how did you manage to fail so miserably at making it?
And if you assumed you understood
I knew you couldn't, I knew you would=I knew you would : not understand
No point, if you got something out of it
You have, end of story
Quote:
Originally Posted by MrMcPheezy
Parts of it sound as though the speaker is speaking to the subject mentioned in the first stanza. That character is horribly under/undeveloped. In other parts, the speaker seems to be speaking to the reader. Which just makes everything confusing. You explanation of what this poem means to you do anything but confuse me even more. In addition, what it means to you is completely irrelevant. No meaning can be drawn from it from others, and therefore, it means nothing. Regardless of what your intent was when you wrote it.
I think you're looking at things too straight
and If I write "I want to die"
you will immediately translate this into : fuck,you are suicidal....
don't do that,
at least while reading My poems
No, no. You're confused, dear. I'm trying to positively affect this poem and this writer. Being a complete dick draws more attention to my comments than they would otherwise recieve. Allowing at least a better chance for the desired effect to occur. I have made my statements. Whether or not they cause change is now out of my control.
You are so completely right....
and you might think I'm angry/pissed/annoyed by your opinion
but actually I'm not
I laughed very much as I read your posts...
you brought nothing negative here
although
I have a feeling you're annoyed with me...
I think you disagreeing with me is the main problem.
yea... :)
Quote:
Originally Posted by MrMcPheezy
I want attention drawn to my comments.
From my experience, kind comments recommending revision tend to get ignored. Passed over. Undervalued. Whatever.
Mean/rude comments get much more attention.
People will make post after post complaining about how mean I sounded when I recommend they mask the rhyme scheme in the poem.
Post after post complaining about how rude I was when I told them the voicing was unclear.
yeah, but you don't have to be a dick all the time
Ok, well I enjoyed the poem peachyyy thanks for posting it.
I also agree with what Lithium is saying about the critcism not being constructive at all, not everything is about you and your "experience" of getting attention.
