The Feeling torturing me , that feeling of doubt, no person; feeling, emotion
I'm referring to life as a human: Say something....;
I feel so cherished but still half broken.
Maybe even like a bunny being fucked by a bear…
And as you are selfish everyday, consumed with yourself
Bigger things are around you, and most of us don't see them,
Maybe catching a glimpse, or having some feeling of knowing
but Not seeing
A thought, that maybe religion doesn't matter, maybe it's about living or not living
No spirit, no after world....Nothing
The feeling :I need just one reason to fall completely apart, one word, one meaningless event will tear me up...because I'm fed up with all the ignorance and shit , but still, I have to stay, and try to change
And if you assumed you understood
I knew you couldn't, I knew you would=I knew you would : not understand
No point, if you got something out of it
You have, end of story
I think you're looking at things too straight
and If I write "I want to die"
you will immediately translate this into : fuck,you are suicidal....
don't do that,
at least while reading My poems
I don't really like doing this...
I feel awkward
lolercaust!
__________________ She whispered "Every time you justify, another good in you dies"
Your faith and fear seared me, and love and you pull all the right strings
"How we get older, how we forget about each other", she said
Entwined within the sadder of days.
The Feeling torturing me , that feeling of doubt, no person; feeling, emotion
Ok, it is not at all clear that the speaker is speaking to the moments mentioned initially. Also, all they say about the moments is that they make the speaker feel whole. There is no feeling of torture or doubt from the moments. "In this one moment I am whole". This is a positive statement, and the next negative statements seem to be about someone/thing else. If you're attempting to personify the moment...you need to do a better job of making that obvious.
Quote:
Originally Posted by peachyyy
I'm referring to life as a human: Say something....;
I feel so cherished but still half broken.
Maybe even like a bunny being fucked by a bear…
Once again, it is not clear that you're personifying life. It still seems as though the speaker is speaking to some human subject. There's nothing to show that you're using personification here. "These pure moments are so intense". "I kind of like it when you swear". How are either of these lines supposed to convey the feelings you say that you intended them to express? How do intense moments or vulgarity relate at all to a bunny being fucked by a bear?
Quote:
Originally Posted by peachyyy
Quote:
God has big plans for you, though
He told me to tell you, just so you'd know
While the testimony of our free will
Proves itself kill by kill
And as you are selfish everyday, consumed with yourself
Bigger things are around you, and most of us don't see them,
Maybe catching a glimpse, or having some feeling of knowing
but Not seeing
Once again, I don't see how your description of this stanza at all matches up with what the stanza actually says. Where is the selfishness? Where are the big things that go unnoticed? Where is the glimpse maybe caught? Where is the feeling of knowing? Your explanation does not line up with what's actually in the poem itself.
Quote:
Originally Posted by peachyyy
A thought, that maybe religion doesn't matter, maybe it's about living or not living
No spirit, no after world....Nothing
Once-a-fucking-gain. Where is this is the poem? Where is the idea of religion even hinted to in this stanza? The idea of life? Spirits? The world? None of those things are in the poem. We have only shame, a lie, the speaker's merkaba colliding with someone unknown and undescribed object. Which does not at all fit the description you've given.
Quote:
Originally Posted by peachyyy
The feeling :I need just one reason to fall completely apart, one word, one meaningless event will tear me up...because I'm fed up with all the ignorance and shit , but still, I have to stay, and try to change
Ok. The idea of dropping a rock does not at all go along with the idea of falling apart or being torn up. The speaker needs one reason to drop the rock. This does not mean that any small event could tear them up completely. It simply does not mean that. How am I supposed to get that from what you say? It isn't there.
Quote:
Originally Posted by peachyyy
And if you assumed you understood
I knew you couldn't, I knew you would=I knew you would : not understand
Ok. It is not clear that "I knew you would" is supposed to be changed to "I knew you would not understand". I knew you could not. I knew you would. That's what the poem says. Am I supposed to just add words in by myself whenever I feel like it or what?
Quote:
Originally Posted by peachyyy
I think you're looking at things too straight
and If I write "I want to die"
you will immediately translate this into : fuck,you are suicidal....
don't do that,
at least while reading My poems
No, I would translate it into: the speaker of this poem is suicidal. The author is not always the speaker. And actually. I wouldn't immediately assume that the speaker was suicidal just from reading that line. My interpretation of it would depend completely on the context, and the other information about the speaker that is presented.
You really need to try to consider whether or not the point(s) you're attempting to make, the feelings you're attempting to convey, the emotions you're attempting to provide are actually achieved in this poem. Whether readers are given enough solid information...whether this poem has enough of it's base in the real to be understood. Nothing in this poem seems to relate to anything else in this poem. It seems like it's trying to be very abstract, but it also sounds like it's trying to be a narrative. Which is just weird and covoluding.
The poem as a whole just does not make sense to the average reader. You may understand it, as you wrote it and are aware of your intent, but this intent is poorly expressed, and impossible to determine without speaking to you directly. Which is a problem.
Ok, well I enjoyed the poem peachyyy thanks for posting it.
I'd like to hear what about the poem you enjoyed, why you enjoyed it, etc.
Quote:
Originally Posted by munted_soul
I also agree with what Lithium is saying about the critcism not being constructive at all, not everything is about you and your "experience" of getting attention.
Don't voice that here, do it on a jackass movie.
If you don't think my criticism has been constructive, you obviously haven't read it. Dipass.
I'd like to hear what about the poem you enjoyed, why you enjoyed it, etc.
If you don't think my criticism has been constructive, you obviously haven't read it. Dipass.
Hey asshole, I posted something here, now go critique it. It's entitled "A winter song." No one else seemed to like it, but I'm curious to hear your two cents worth.
as hard as it may seem, i am not under the influence of anything... i just wish i was so bad that i guess it's getting to me.
-laughs-
It was good, I liked it. It was smooth, and the taste was pretty good. I don't like drinking shit that burns real bad on the way down, so it was good.
__________________ Do you serve a purpose? or purposely serve?
Hey asshole, I posted something here, now go critique it. It's entitled "A winter song." No one else seemed to like it, but I'm curious to hear your two cents worth.
