I'm a new member here (first post), so hello everyone. I'm a 19 year old Tool fanatic and have been for over a year, but for some reason have not come to this board yet. So I thought I'd introduce myself with this poem I wrote last month. It's a sonnet, but not quite.
Burning Sand
I was born in fire and live in fire
Flickering candlelight to neon signs
I burn the words and world to be a liar
Shining colossus astride the fault lines
You came to me in times of direst need
For I was once a man to be your friend
Now I'm useless, just an overgrown weed
With heavy eyelids, I wait for the end
But before I go, I'll take a last drink
To try to wash down all my greasy meals
They won't stay down; I'm puking in the sink
Shapes in the splatter reveal the concealed
Because I can't hold this land in my hands
It'll slip and flow and shift like the sand
I think your poem is pretty good, exapt the "Now I'm useless, just an overgrown weed " line, I think you have to change that one.
Something that has to do with the rest of the poem, maybe a opening line for "With heavy eyelids, I wait for the end ".
Then it all will be good, for me!
But after all, if I look at it now, I think you did a pretty good JEAAARB.
