This was a collaborative effort between myself and eyes. We wrote it gradually over a long period of time. I'm fairly pleased with the way it turned out, but more importantly, I enjoyed writing it with her.
Any thoughts or comments or critiques are welcome. Thanks.
I like it but I think it would be better without the "Fire" and "I become weak" lines.
Really? The "fire" line was just kinda used as a volta, and I thought it worked alright. I also really like the line "I become weak". Eh, to each his own. Thanks for the comments.
I lie between sheets
with gentle lips, careful thighs,
and delicate fingertips;
shrouded with the comfort of
slow rain against darkened windows.
I liked everything here except "careful thighs". For one thing it doesn't fit that well(yes I know, "gentle, delicate, CAREFUL." I see the pattern. For some reason though careful has an odd ring that doesn't work like the rest of the adjectives you used.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MrMcPheezy
Passion -
candle-lit and flickering.
Anticipation -
swallowed in a deep crimson.
Lust -
breathing down my neck.
This was nice, although I think using a 2 or 3 syllable word or line other than lust would've have made it flow better.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MrMcPheezy
Fire.
Your flame forms and then moves,
stretching through rooms
across halls and up walls--
I like it. Flame flickers, or dances would've been better, IMO. Although you've already used flicker in the first stanza, so that would be redundant.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MrMcPheezy
It calls.
Loudly it speaks and
lying silent in bed,
clinging to sheets,
I become weak.
Calmly participating
in heightened vulnerability.
Liked it. Nice flow, good buildup.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MrMcPheezy
Though I know my escape
is only a doorway ahead,
a short step away,
one decisive move forward,
I can’t resist the urge to melt into you.
I liked it. A suggestion: Use incisive instead of decisive, it holds more weight. Just two cents.........
I liked everything here except "careful thighs". For one thing it doesn't fit that well(yes I know, "gentle, delicate, CAREFUL." I see the pattern. For some reason though careful has an odd ring that doesn't work like the rest of the adjectives you used.
Yeah, I feel you. Careful has a bit of a different connotation than the other two words. I don't think it's too far off, but I can definitely see it confusing the feel and tone of the poem a bit.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hogpile
This was nice, although I think using a 2 or 3 syllable word or line other than lust would've have made it flow better.
Yeah, I actually think "lust" is my least favorite word in this poem. It's actually a pretty poor word to use in poetry in general. Probably should've used something else there. Meh.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hogpile
I like it. Flame flickers, or dances would've been better, IMO. Although you've already used flicker in the first stanza, so that would be redundant.
I actually really like the flow of "your flame forms". It has the alliteration of "flame" and "form" and the assonance of "your" and "form". Also, the line comments not on the flame being there and then moving, but suddenly coming to existence.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hogpile
I liked it. A suggestion: Use incisive instead of decisive, it holds more weight. Just two cents.........
Yeah, incisive is a bit of a better word. Thanks for the suggestion.
Yeah, I feel you. Careful has a bit of a different connotation than the other two words. I don't think it's too far off, but I can definitely see it confusing the feel and tone of the poem a bit.
Yeah, I actually think "lust" is my least favorite word in this poem. It's actually a pretty poor word to use in poetry in general. Probably should've used something else there. Meh.
I actually really like the flow of "your flame forms". It has the alliteration of "flame" and "form" and the assonance of "your" and "form". Also, the line comments not on the flame being there and then moving, but suddenly coming to existence.
Yeah, incisive is a bit of a better word. Thanks for the suggestion.
I like it. Flame flickers, or dances would've been better, IMO. Although you've already used flicker in the first stanza, so that would be redundant.
He already answered this, but my opinion...flickers and dances are the obvious...someone would expect to have a flame flicker, or a flame dance across the room. You know? Sometimes it's better to move away from the expected, and often it brings a different idea into the readers mind, maybe even better than the obvious.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hogpile
No prob beeeacth. You and Eyes did a good job.
Thank you, Hoggy :)
Thanks to everyone else who commented, too. :)
__________________ Do you serve a purpose? or purposely serve?
He already answered this, but my opinion...flickers and dances are the obvious...someone would expect to have a flame flicker, or a flame dance across the room. You know? Sometimes it's better to move away from the expected, and often it brings a different idea into the readers mind, maybe even better than the obvious.
Ok, maybe. But the words "forms" and "moves" aren't seeping with uniqueness either. I could think of a shitload of words that paint better imagery than those two. My point was, that those words are too generic in nature, to set the mood your going for. Especially considering the 'passion' the other discriptions build up to this point. Gyrates. Convulses. Canters. Fuses. Pulsates. Oscillates. Quivers. Palpitates. You get the picture.
Ok, maybe. But the words "forms" and "moves" aren't seeping with uniqueness either. I could think of a shitload of words that paint better imagery than those two. My point was, that those words are too generic in nature, to set the mood your going for. Especially considering the 'passion' the other discriptions build up to this point. Gyrates. Convulses. Canters. Fuses. Pulsates. Oscillates. Quivers. Palpitates. You get the picture.
Yeah, I get what you're saying, but I was more referring to the combination of words. "...someone would expect to have a flame flicker, or a flame dance across the room." Yep.
__________________ Do you serve a purpose? or purposely serve?
