Do you know the graveyard song?
The one that speaks for those who have passed along- Those who have been buried beneath the ground to blind us from their rot, their penitence. Soft guitaring had played behind all of it, even above the green blades which proved to be royal to the depths in such a way- more than their numbers can persuade;
"life lives on"- though everyone is listening to the song. Do you know the graveyard song? The silhouette of the eclipse, yet it was nothing of what it really was, what it really is? Though it described her father as a coward to his duty, at home there was a warm cup of coffee on the kitchen table, expecting his company.
A swing tied to the largest branch of his tree, for him to push. Shade and light, bonfires and late night booze.
Six feet below royal blades, he is still staring at the stone he cannot read, yet he knows the tune. I've come along to hear his hum, always thinking he never died, that I should dig him up. But something's speaking for he who has passed along... He who has been buried beneath the ground. The silhouette of the eclipse- lashes distorting the last image as every muscle
released his tension.
Let the rhythm swing,
And let the envelope push.
A coward he had become,
In the words of the graveyard song.
__________________ Rotten Peaches
Last edited by x7 Lateralus 7x; 08-16-2006 at 09:45 PM..
Sweet I got 12 reads on this, could you people give me suggestions? Corrections? I know there's some parts that don't fit or some words that could be replaced or erased. Is the introduction not appealing to the reader? Does it lose it's touch anywhere? I need to know these things so I can improve, help me out if you want to~
I really love how you started it with a question, and re-stated the question later. I don't think writers use repetition enough, so I appreciated that. The flow is very good, and it's easy to read.
The flow was excellent up until "Soft guitaring had played behind all of it, even above the green blades which proved to be royal to the depths in such a way" I'm not sure if I just stumbled when I read it, but it didn't seem to flow as much as the rest. After that it kind of felt like you were trying to find the rythym again. It was rocky until the second "do you know the graveyard song?" where it felt like you returned to the perfect flow. Maybe it's just me, but between those two points it felt like the flow was just a bit off. It wasn't a big deal, but since you asked for some things to change to perfect it, I would tweak that just a little bit.
Oh, and I really love the line "A swing tied to the largest branch of his tree, for him to push. Shade and light, bonfires and late night booze." I'm not sure why, but it struck me and kept with me for the rest of the piece.
I absolutely love the last part. I wouldn't change that at all. Overall, nice piece. Hope that helps!
__________________ I fear I'm the only one who thinks this way.
I guess one thing I could come up with is to change how it looks on the page. Maybe re-do some of your line breaks to add/take away emphasis. The first paragraph is a bit blocky in comparison to the rest. I think I know the effect you're trying to make, but I'd like to see it a tad bit more uniform throughout.
This is one of the better pieces I've seen on here though.
Oh thanks a lot, I didn't see your post here, the link didn't light up like it should have.
I'm not a big fan of it, not much behind it so it's a bunch of rambling to me lol.
Anyways, I really don't understand that kind of thing, where you break lines to add and take away "emphasis", never understood it nor how to use it, so could you do it for me and tell me why you did it the way you did? Just a thought, that'd be enough to let me know.
Yes, that's Napoleon in my avatar, who has tons of useful quotes btw.
Let me just preface this by saying this is my opinion, obviously. Not empirical fact. The whole line break for emphasis thing is pretty straightforward. It just makes it easier on the eye to use line breaks, and the reader can visualize how it may be read out loud more easily, the reader can hear your "voice" better. I guess I would break this one up like so:
James Gellighan, 1949-1973
Do you know the graveyard song?
The one that speaks for those who have passed along, Those
Who have been buried beneath the ground to blind us from their rot-their penitence.
Soft guitaring had played behind all of it,
even above the green blades
which proved to be royal to the depths in such a way-
more than their numbers can persuade;
"life lives on"- though everyone is listening to the song.
Do you know the graveyard song?
The silhouette of the eclipse,
yet it was nothing of what it really was, what it really is?
Though it described her father as a coward to his duty,
at home there was a warm cup of coffee on the kitchen table, expecting his company.
A swing tied to the largest branch of his tree, for him to push.
Shade and light,
bonfires and late night booze.
Six feet below royal blades, he is still staring at the stone he cannot read,
yet he knows the tune.
I've come along to hear his hum, always thinking he never died, that I should dig him up.
But something's speaking for he who has passed along...
He who has been buried beneath the ground.
The silhouette of the eclipse-
lashes distorting the last image
as every muscle released his tension.
Let the rhythm swing,
Let the envelope push.
A coward he had become,
In the words of the graveyard song.
I didn't put tons of thought into that, as it's your work. I just think that flows easier and does the aformentioned things. If you notice I made each stanza 9 lines except the last one, it must've had a decent flow already because I didn't have to work at it to do it. When you leave everything in paragraph form it's more like prose, which doesn't work so well in a piece like this. Like I said, although you're not particularly pleased with this piece, it has a very nice lyricality (if that's a word) to it.
