Yesssssss. Guess who THOUGHT they were vice anything?!?!?!?! And why were they getting caught up on some reading and fucking tai chi? The Japaneese had several different ways at pointing daggers at their own throats.
"They fought and they clawed like savages. At the end none had found what they were looking for; and they simply returned to nothing, like they were before."
I'm talking about Miami Vice and the acolytes. No big loss, they were from Los Angeles. After a break for the steak then they get to taste the RFID balls of satan.
"They fought and they clawed like savages. At the end none had found what they were looking for; and they simply returned to nothing, like they were before."
Im sorry. At least give me a clue so I can research this.. say.. a wiki link would be perfect..?
That would be the scarecrow in your jeans, it's a wammy bar, use it. Yes it is indeed in the right section. Like a wisp of cotton candy surrounding a papercut.
Here's another one. I had a vision of George Senior with his as in his wifes face screaming EAT IT! EAT IT! Fucking gross isn't it?
Whoever said women have no soul needs to burn in hell. God knows what's coming to the children, those who stepped into the door in the floor when they shouldn't have will indeed trip into a muddled mess. Who can hear the sirens blaring?
That would be the scarecrow in your jeans, it's a wammy bar, use it. Yes it is indeed in the right section. Like a wisp of cotton candy surrounding a papercut.
"They fought and they clawed like savages. At the end none had found what they were looking for; and they simply returned to nothing, like they were before."
That would be the scarecrow in your jeans, it's a wammy bar, use it. Yes it is indeed in the right section. Like a wisp of cotton candy surrounding a papercut.
Here's another one. I had a vision of George Senior with his as in his wifes face screaming EAT IT! EAT IT! Fucking gross isn't it?
Whoever said women have no soul needs to burn in hell. God knows what's coming to the children, those who stepped into the door in the floor when they shouldn't have will indeed trip into a muddled mess. Who can hear the sirens blaring?
FTW???? Am i high right now?
__________________ I will kiss you on the mouth Kenny Rogers!
"They fought and they clawed like savages. At the end none had found what they were looking for; and they simply returned to nothing, like they were before."
I see the political tendencies, they triggered a vomit response. They made you feel the same and your post is what came out. It makes sense to me as much as such things can. I hate them because they're real. Read it again people, it's clear as day.
__________________ rip Chad McDaniel (USAC)
rip Scott Kalitta (NHRA)
rip Henry Surtees (F2)
rip Neal Parker (NHRA)
Yeah, nothing is as bad as the papers say, the core however speaks plainly. So much more work to do. Spicy rice and kielbasa. Beer. Weed. Random tasks. Num Num Num.
Einstein said that time is relative but I'm going to one up that motherfucker and go ahead and say that everything is a relative to us.
I've been receiving lessons about the biggest obstacle in my way so far. Finally. Oedipal complex issues between myself, mother and father energies that left the divine child within me feeling abondoned because I did abandon it by not honoring my mother and father.
Alrighty then. Picture this if you will....
__________________ It's your prison. Just open the door idiot.
I was with a woman who suffered from undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder. The moment I met her I found quite an oddity of attraction within her. At first she appeared to half a calm, peaceful and sweet exterior. Given enough time she would flip. She was with my brother's best friend at the time. Before she stepped into the picture we had a very strong brotherhood among each other. My brother's best friend started driving to visit her on a regular basis instead of hanging out with us. He would take acid, trip with her, listen to her fucked up ramblings and they'd bang. In the meantime, we'd all be laughing, joking, cracking each others back as well as cracking jokes at each others' expense for the sake of sharing in our collective vulnerability and laughing it away. Wondering why in God's name our brother would rather be twirling around some fucked up cunt. I do not use that word lightly but this bitch be a cunt when she flips. We noticed our brother changing, losing his sense of humor, losing his drive to move ahead in life. He begins to start feeling a tiny bit crazy and can't fucking understand why. She begins to provoke the shit out of him and through the years they will fight and hit each other in screaming rage fests.
Well, let me take a moment to stop and say that I have constantly reflected upon my life. Searching for meaning, searching for answers to my supposed weaknesses. It has almost been an uncontrollable obsession, like an ominous eye forcing me to look upon myself and how I interact with my brothers and sisters. It is ungrudging, by the way ;)
Fast forward to 16 years old. I'm bored of school, I'm bored of all the little children running around behaving as if they have any clue whatsoever. I ignore school and the people within it as much as possible. When they approach me with their insecurities projecting toward me I laugh, insult the shit out of them and walk away. People begin to hate me and want to fight me over my words and unwavering fear in their fucking faces. I invited people to kick my ass. Nobody ever accepted the invitation.
Soon, I'm introduced to Carl G Jung through Man and His Symbols. As I read the book I feel something changing within me yet I am unable to define it. As I begin to change, poetry spills/cums forth from my soul. I begin to write about how I am wallowing and swimming in darkness, navigating torrential waters of emotion.
This girl notices me changing. She notices that I no longer need to interact with my brothers as much,. I begin to draw into myself. She sees this light blossoming within me and is attracted to it. Like a moth to the flame ;)
She starts to talk to me regularly about deep issues as well as complaining about her husband, my brother. I begin to feel my perception of my brother morphing. He begins to change from a mischevious boy to a demon in my mind. I begin to project my fear and guilt onto him. I begin to feel connected to this girl and that she is my destiny. (takes a second to puke)
Move ahead a bit and us brothers are sleeping in a fort we built against a fallen tree in the woods. I'm in a tiny sleeping quarter in this order. This girl, my brother and me. I wake up before everyone else and lay there contemplating our experience in this world. I begin to feel this girls feet find mine and begin to caress me sensually. I feel aroused despite the fact that her boyfriend, my brother, is immediately next to me. This watered the seed of desire in my heart for this girl. Had I not morphed my perception of my brother, I would have never allowed this to happen without sharing with him. Instead, I shelfishly kept it to myself and began to make plans to steal this girl from him. (pukes again)
Let's skip all the bullshit and just get to the punch. I "stole" this girl from my brother. I spent 14 years with her hellish torment and confusion. I used to believe that given enough love she could heal. I did not realize the similarity to a black hole in that she could suck it up without end.
Now, the fun part. My last post in this thread as Edge386. I was going manic at that time. I couldn't sleep, I kept thinking of my brother over and over and over. Why did he get with that insane girl (failing to realize the similarity to my own dillemma) and began listening to Soundgarden, bill Hicks and 10,000 days A LOT. I worked with my father as a contractor at the time and he was running low on work and at the same time I was becoming incredibly unreliable and unpredictable so he told me he didn't need me working with him for a while. I had just harvested two 7 foot weed plants in their backyard (with my father's permission) and was smoking all day every day. Since I wasn't working I spent all day on Youtube watching conspiracy videos about aliens, reptilians, evil and blah blah blah blah blah. It began to affect me in scary ways.
I began to both feel like the chosen one in my head. I began to feel delusional that I knew everything. Take a loot at my rants as Edge386 and you will see exactly what the fuck I'm talking about. Yet, despite these thoughts my feelings were screaming otherwise. "You're a tiny defenseless stupid fucking baby! You have no fucking clue what you're fucking with boy!" and I would respond in kind to this voice. I would echo this dark master of my mind.\
Well, this dark master looked down upon his apprentice and decided it was time to teach him a lesson. He put dark thoughts in my mind about the nature of my brother's suicide. He told me "You never even saw his body, how do you know he isn't still alive? I mean you last saw him on Christmas and then the next thing you know you're shown a box and told his ashes are in there. You're being lied to"
This voice would not silence. I was terrified. I couldn't sleep, I obsessively jumped into showers and just sat in the water. I walked around outside in a twilight during the morning hours after not sleeping for 4 or 5 days. The world outside was illumated and beautiful but the one inside was shrouded in shadow and darkness. I began to visualize this darkness as a murky blackish static in the sky. I began to believe this world is a dellusion meant to imprison us. Within this prison we experience nothing but torment. How do I break free? The voice responded "You must murder your parent's female cat, and you will end all cancer and suffering in this world."
Without thinking I became possessed by this voice and began to seek out the cat. I found her laying peacefully as she always does and I picked her up gently as I always did. I kissed her head, told her I loved her and gently began to strangle her. My father noticed me (thank GOD) and rushed at me without thinking as well. I don't remember much from this time but we talked about it recently and he told me he had to pound on me hard as fuck to get me to let go. He said he knew that he could have broken my jaw, that thought went through his head. That thought did not realize itself. He drew on his strength, his love and compassion for me and the innocent creature that I was about to murder, and he broke me free. My mother called 911 and eventually I was puit on the phone with the operator. I felt scared and confused. I ran into the bathroom and locked myself in. My father called the cops then.
As I was locked in the bathroom with the operatotr both paramedics and police arrived. Police stood outside the door talking to me calmly. I told them I was speaking to the 911 operator on the phone. She gave me a choice. I could go with the police to jail or I could go with the paramedics to the hospital. I thought about it for a moment. I was scared of hospitals, I had been previously strapped into them and injected with drugs that made me feel like I was falling non stop and I never wanted to go there again. Except I remembered the most kind man I have ever met at that time. I knew he was gay. As I was strapped down into the bed he sat next to me calmly, gently touched his hand on my forearm and spoke to me about my fear. I felt love and healing come from him. Then I thought about jail and the people I would be around there and that terrified me even more so I immediately said I wanted to go with the paramedics. I was scared but I had no choice to trust where God was taking me even though I did not realize that to be the case at the time.
I'm actually taken to a Crisis Center, treated gently and kindly as they walk me into the facility. It's very quiet and feels safe here. For some reason as the nurse takes me up the stairwell into the "living quarters" section she makes no effort whatsoever to hide the security passcode from me. She explains that the door is never locked, the passcode simply activates the alarm. I make note of the digits (can't remember them now) and store them in my memory banks at that time. I remember feeling this anxious energy to escape from this place. Eventually in my "grnius" I deduce that if the passcode is one way to deactivate the alarm as we enter the door, exiting requires me to enter the passcode in reverse. I do this and open the door. The alarm goes off. I remain calm and continue walking. I'm not sure where I'm going but I wander out into the parking lot during the night. My only desire once I am outside is to call my girlfriend and ask her to pick me up. I have no clothes except a gown, no shoes and no quarters even if I could find a payphone that still existed.
The nurses and staff all go outside calling after me gently. "Chriiiiiiiis? Come back honey."
I look back and decide it's pointless for me to walk away so I calmly come back.
I get cocky with the doctor in the morning and he pink slips me to a full mental institution. I become very afraid. They walk me through several doors, past security guards and each of these doors are locked with physical keys. I am definitely going to be in the place for a while.
__________________ It's your prison. Just open the door idiot.
I can't sleep, I can't eat. I'm treading the water of my own terror. I believe evil demons are all around me and they are within the individuals I am surrounded by in this place. I am afraid to go to sleep for fear they will enter my room and eat me alive.
Eventually I agree to begin taking meds, eating, talking. I go to an AA meeting at the instruction of my doctor. Since I am freely walking the facility to get to this meeting I decide to take a look around. I find a room having a church sermon and decide to enter. I was not invited... everyone looks at me as I walk to the back of the room and find a seat. The black woman preaching never stopped preaching once. I remember smiling and feeling at peace as she spoke. The one thing that stands out to me is how she mentioned wine in the Bible. She explained that back in those days clean water was incredibly hard to find and that Wine was actually safer to drink so that's just what people did then. She said we no longer have a need for this now that there is plenty of clean water for us to drink.
Eventually I come back down to Earth in this place. I remember my human place in the world and everything begins to "make sense" again. I decide to forsake all metaphysical, spiritual and even emotional beliefes that I formed throughout my life. I refuse to accept anything unless I can physically explain it.
Throughout this entire time my girlfriend visited me often. Every other day. We would sit in the visitor room, she would hold me, hug me, caress me, bring me food from the "real world" which was a Godsend to me at that time. It helped me start to feel normal again. The compassion she was showing me helped me to heal as well. I began to let go of the resentments of her cheating on me in the past. I get out and my parents tell me they don't want me there. I'm scared. It's hot as hell outside and I'm on medication that threatens to kill me with heat stroke if I don't get cooled off. I walk to a playground I used to play at as a child, drink from the drinking fountain and call my father. I beg him to let me at least come to their house to use the pool so I can stay cool and safe. He explains to me that it isn't him that doesn't want me there, it's my mother because she is afraid of me. I honestly promise him I am better for good, no matter what happens to me I will find a way to be okay, and he agrees to let me come swim in the pool.
Later my mother comes home and we all talk. She lets go of her fear and asks me to stay with them. I feel welcomed back into the family and forgiven for my sins. My girlfriend suggests we go to a telemarketing firm where she used to work to find jobs so we did. Got hired to start work the next day. We didn't have bills because we were living with my parents so we were able to save up 3 months of living expenses. Found an apartment in the same building that my friend's father was living in and moved in about 1 month before that great man died from complications from surgery to remove a cancerous growth in his throat. The wound ruptured and he drowned in his own blood. He was found dead on the floor of the bathroom in his apartment with a trail of spattered blood leading to his corpse. His son was the one who found him.
While my girlfriend and I were working at this telemarketing firm we meet a disgusting fat piece of shit that is gentle and friendly. This fat fuck weighed over 500 pounds. He collected disability and worked to make just enough money to stay under the radar and continue collecting checks. His doctor's prescribed him enough painkillers to kill 6 horses a month. He shared these with us freely and we became friends. Eventually we all get fired by the owner for no good reason (he let the entire night shift go and replaced us for some reason).
My girlfriend and I were married at this point but I refuse to ever call her anything of a wife ever again. You will see why soon.
We saved up enough money to not have to find a job right away. We both filed for unemployment but only my ex received it. We lived for 2 years without working.
The money ran out and we needed to find new jobs so we do. That was never ever a problem for us. We were always able to find money where we needed it. I became top salesman in the state and held that position for a long time. I had ambition and drive in this place. I wanted to make something of myself here. I tried soooooo hard to be a good exmple for others, be helpful and encouraging. This light that I brought into this false temple was coveted and envied. The worst came out in my peers in face of this light that I brought forth. It hurt to experience this. I began to take vicoden throughout the day to cope. Then my girlfriend and I decide to go see a movie without the fat fuck for once and he flips his shit. He cuts us off from the drugs saying his doctor hasn't been prescribing them and we go through withdrawal. We take a week off of work to suffer through it on the couch at home and eventually detox. After detoxing ourselves we realize how disgusting this fat fuck was and how he manipulated us. We decide to sever ties with him. He hates this, God only knows how he spent nights wailing in rage at the world for his friends "abandoning" him. I still haven't fully learned how to pity or have mercy on this other than walking away from it and letting them cry it out.
After coming clean I realize I have no place at this company and put in my two weeks. We saved up enough to live for another year while we look for jobs. My girlfriend has been practicing photography and becoming quite good at it. I see potential in her and desire to encourage it. I try to fill her with as much light and encouragement as I possibly can because I truly see a future in photography for her. Every step of the way is met with resistance and fear. Eventually we need to find "real" jobs again.
So here we are, at the crux of this story. Where everything begins to split apart and get rearranged then sewn back together. It all makes sense in the end. It always does. Just like grandma's quilt.
Life never fails to give us complete meaning no matter where we are. No matter how blind we believe ourselves to be it is always there for us to live. There is never anything getting in our way except for ourselves. I truly hope you all realize this and begin to help each other more. There is nothing worthwhile in life without simply being honest with each other in our sharing of this experience we call life. In our search for meaining we turn, constantly, seeking something outside ourselves for meaining. Every fear I encounter is my own. Every bit of pain and suffering I endure has always been at my own hands. It has taken me 33 years of living to come to this place inside my mind where I can stand and oversee where I have gone wrong and where I can now do better. I could not have done this without a wife and child. They are my purpose, my meaning, my love. They guide me through the darkness swiftly and without doubt. I know my place in this world is for them. Yet the meaning and purpose I assign this family comes from within me. They are my instincts. My instincts have always been my friends and keepers. My eyes in the darkness. They are kind and they are loving and they spur us outward in search of something. :)
Nothing is so terrifying as we believe yet everything can be far more beautiful than we can ever imagine. This is our dualistic nature that we struggle with. We believe we are empty because we are circling the rim of our very own souls. Peering within yet afraid to take the plunge. I assure you, all drains lead to the ocean. ;)
So let us continue where we left of, shall we?
My girlfriend and I found another job without a problem per usual. I begin to shine here as well except I am met with support and encouragement rather than resistance and fear. Within 14 months I go from a grunt taking calls to a team leader. I feel like a boy who is supposed to be a man now. It's scary. I feel too much responsibility and am afraid I lack the ability to lead. Yet evrey single time I stood up in front of my team I had to let go of these fears and allow a voice from deeeeeeeeeeeeep within to RISE UP and speak. This voice was pure fucking inspiration. It animated me. It animated my team. When members would join my team they felt alive again. When they left they came to me and explained they felt sad. I did my best to give them wisdom and encouragement to make it without me.
My girlfriend works in another deparment. She sees me succeeding and wants to do the same so she spurs herself on and begins to find success as well. Not as much but she is finding it. She made friends with this kid that worked in that department. He's quite the talented painter and a handsome looking boy. He's quite immature but my girlfriend likes him so I look past it. We hang out with him a lot. I lose interest in doing what they want to do and use my laptop to get work done for me team. They berate me for not having fun. I tell them I have responsibility to my team. They laugh at me and sing and dance and talk together. I drink heavily at this point. I drown in alcohol when I go there with my girlfriend. I lay on his couch several times vomitting into trash cans filling them and passing out while they go off and do exactly what you think they would do.
__________________ It's your prison. Just open the door idiot.
At home, my girlfriend begins to rage. She abuses me. I drink more to escape. I blackout more to escape. She relentlessly seizes these opportunities to go do what you know they are doing. She begins to accuse me of cheating on her with a girl at work. LOL!
I've had enough fighting, man. I'm tired of fighting. I'm done. I laid down the fucking sword one night and called my friend whom I know has always actually been my brother. We talk for hours until my phone dies I go inside to charge it. My ex is possessed ranting and raving, pacing. I know this isn't good. I calmly walk over to plug my phone into the charger at the kitchen table. She flys at me and soves my. I stunble into the table, sit down cross my arms and legs with my back to her. I shout, "I am not going to fight you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
She charges at me and kicks me in my kidney. I frantically reach for my phone, shaking in terror knowing damn well she could kill me and I would have to let her. I need to break this fucking cycle right NOW! I call local police, tell them what's going on. My girlfriend calmly walks to the other side of the kitchen table. Rests her arms on it and leans toward me looking down on me. I stare at her as I speak to the dispatch lady. Once she tells me she is sending police my girlfriend flees. I lock the deadbolt and await their arrival. The office is ridiculously understanding of a man getting beaten up by a woman. He takes the report and promises me they will arrest her that evening and will go look for her. I place a chair under the doorknob of the door after he leaves knowing my girlfriend has a key to get in. I'm shaken but at least it's quiet now. I take a drink to feel safer.
Finally, she comes back with a vengeance. The deadbolt unlocks and once she realizes that there is a char blocking the door she begins trying to kick it down. I speed dialed the police the moment I heard the deadbolt. I'm on the line with dispatch again on the other side of the door trying to keep her from getting in as she's violently bashing and screaming from the other side. I heard the police enter the hallway and she stops. The dispatcher heard her violence over the phone. The cops know who they are dealing with here and they are more than prepared to handle it. She backs the fuck off, flips the switch and starts crying and wailing "I'm not a bad person!!!!!!!"
The cops demand she drop her purse and she does not immediately comply. I cannot see with my eyes but I can see with my ears. They approach her and she drops her purse. Still wailing but conceding they take her away in cuffs.
I don't want to overcomplicate the story by dragging you through the shit I putmyself through in my head. Suffice to say I was addicted to a feeling in her. I was perplexed and drawn toward a mystery. By putting this story into words and sharing it with you all I have let go and given a gift. Please take it.
Namaste.
__________________ It's your prison. Just open the door idiot.
Oh one more thing. If you feel you are suffering I can help you. PLease feel free to reach out to me any time and if I can physically be there for you I will. If I cannot be there for you physically (as in typing to you) then you must be there physically for yourself and listen. I love you, truly.
__________________ It's your prison. Just open the door idiot.
Shit I almost forgot the most important one. Talk to each other. Jesus fucking christ just fucking talk to each other once in a while. Goddamn people. What the fuck are you so afraid to say? Words don't do shit until we act on them. Remember that.
__________________ It's your prison. Just open the door idiot.
If the voices are getting too loud there are quite a few things you can do. First, be human. Second, quiet voices so listening to classical music without lyrics is good. Third, sleep. Never go more than 48 hours without sleep. Don't even get cocky and think you can handle it. You can't
__________________ It's your prison. Just open the door idiot.
If you feel afraid, sing some song of love for your mother, your father, your children, your friends, your brothers and sisters. Feel it. It doesn't need to be beautiful Let it be ugly if that's what you think it sounds like. Just let it be.
__________________ It's your prison. Just open the door idiot.
I must be honest with myself. I am quite fallable. I make mistakes often and endure the limits and vulnerability of being human like the rest of us. We are no different from one another in that regard.
I struggle with the concept of premonition. I can feel what would happen if we allowed ourselves to remain imprisoned within our minds. This dark and eerie feeling finds a way into my perception of reality. If I do not keep it in check with the rational mind, I can become overtaken by fear and anxiety over what may come.
Today I fucked up pretty bad with my premonition. This is the second or third instance of me fearing something terrible occuring between my ex and her current lover. Each time it morphs.
Needless to say this time I received a premonition that my ex would steal a badge to the building where her lover and my Wife both happen to work. She would get dressed up in business clothes to blend in. She would take a very specific door into the building which I know would lead her down a particular path. I felt her lover's heart explode from the gunshot and then I felt her turn the gun on herself and blow her brains out.
This fucking terrified me. Not for the safety of those two but for the psychic safety of those traumitized by the event. I panicked. I immediately logged onto my work computer from home (I have started FMLA leave to begin therapy to help me through all of this so I really shouldn't have logged into work in the first place)
I found the first individual who I knew worked in the building and who was showing available on IM. I dumped my panic attack onto her with the intention of forewarning in the event that something bad happens. I provided a description of my ex and a vivid recollection of my vision to her.
Then I reached out to my boss and sent him a message as well. At this point I realize I most likely threw this poor girl into a panic attack of her ownand feel guilty. I explain to her that the premonition was most likely premature and apologized for rattling her.
Because I failed to see rationality in the world I fell victim to my own visions. I was dumb and thoughtless in sending this energy to an innocent person. My boss called me and I told him all this. He explained that he understands I have an extremely rational mind and so if that mechanism becomes overwhelmed in me he knows it isn't good.
He reassured me that security has massive fucking measures in place to prevent violence like that. Because of this I realized my error.
There is a lesson here. My wife called me and explained to me she is sick of me crying wolf lately. I get it. That's exactly what it is.
__________________ It's your prison. Just open the door idiot.
