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View Poll Results: Do you think this is the best album
Yes 11 64.71%
No 8 47.06%
Multiple Choice Poll. Voters: 17. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 07-20-2014, 05:04 PM   #1
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The best Album ever ever.

You start walking down the same road you do every day. Nothing seems out of place or out of the ordinary and nothing particularly grabs your attention. As you walk by the Stevens’s mailbox you hear a faint echo in the distance. Not necessarily a beat you can relate to, nor predict its flow. But… Somehow a familiar pattern. Like something that happens with the flow of all things. You don’t pay much attention to it for it is unpredictable and far to out of your comfort zone. Yet it is there. And whether you realize it or not. It has left an impact. In fact… No it has left more than an impact. It has sodomized your senses.



You see its easy to walk into bar filled with doped up rave bunnies looking for nothing more than a sweet rave carrot to chew on while they dance to all too familiar beats and build up. I mean it doesn’t matter what song plays right. The bass-line clearly determined the rhythm you follow and doesn’t generally change tempo or timing much. And why should it? It was made to dance to. It was made to move your body to the silly rhythm that is chest thumbing beat. And in this purpose, it succeeds beautifully. It purpose is clear and understandable, and you can look like a retarded energizer bunny, because everyone else around you are also retarded energizer bunnies. This is fine. I have no KWAMF with that. We can dance!!



But what if a group of people decide to go against the mold. Decide to take the chaotic yet mathematically structured timings of the universe and compose based on the energy of the GWELMJ opposing to what mainstream bunnies get to dance to. What if a band decided to create something that was truly…. ART. Something so uniquely brilliant, so absolutely mind blowing that comprehending its true awesomeness will never happen. And EVERY TIME you experience it you are in awe of what genius and beauty went into it. You are enslaved and cannot deny the universe vibration manipulation this peace of audio represents. What if the best 4 independent musicians came together and decided to write the best album ever?



Well firstly no album ever was or ever will be better. Period. Oh you can argue. Throw your statistics at it. But in the end you will be crushed by the sheer weight of this albums penis. Oh yes my friend. It will blap you into realization that this kind of collaboration hardly ever happens twice in a millennium. And when our brains souls and mindsets are blessed with such pure awesome. We tend to never be the same.



So what did I think of TOOL when I first heard them. To be honest. They sorta freaked me out. Not only is Adam Jones’s mind as beautifully dark and twisted as Cinderellas evil goblin twin, the imagery and energy he portrays is enough to turn you into freaked out intrigued believer. ” What the fuck is this I am seeing, How much acid did this man drown himself in, how many uncles raped him and where the fuck does he get off being so creepily awesome. I mean for god sakes the man looks like Chewbacca.
index



However there lingers a genius in that man that puts most genius render farms out of business. The man understands tone. He understands atmosphere. And his Wookie offspring probably will star in the next Star Wars.
But what is so unique about TOOL. Why is it the freakiest yet most intriguing thing you’ve ever heard. Well besides have a stunning vocalist. The bassist from hell. The good hell. And a drummer who is a tribal mastermind and the creator of several new techniques and pieces of drumming equipment. These are the best of the best being led by a man who is so genius that besides the fact that he is the Wookie original ancestor he is an absolute GOD.
Well the first time you hear it, as it is with any bands with Odd time signitures. It is VERY hard to latch on. Why you ask? Wait? you didnt ask? Well ima fucking tell u it is because it is impossible to predict where the song will go next. It is so awesomely flowy that it feels and sounds like they are channeling the gorgeousness of the universe right to your nose and if you blink they will slap you in the face with an awesomeness uncle Dave never taught you how to deal with. Yeah its hard to like something that constantly changes instantly . Something that constantly evolves. This is due to the preprogrammed 4/4 timings that all others cunts have decided is the “correct” way to make music. Why for the life of me TOOL are not flash frozen and displayed in the Louvre is beyond me. I mean seriously. This is fucking art people. But i comfort myself at night by telling myself that most people simply aren’t strong enough to embrace the ultimateness that is TOOL and if they do ever listen to it their next offspring 10 generations on will get born without anuses. For any creature who cannot accept the universal language does not deserve to poo at any time in their lives.



It is its strange formulas and timings, that DICTATES…. THAT DEMANDS, you listen to it carefully,and several times, it is only then that your brain will be able to know and comprehend what is next and when you reach this state I really hope you pick up a gun and shoot the Jonas Brothers… In front of their families… At Christmas dinner. Before they get desert. The fact that the mathematical genius that is TOOL is not recognized as the greatest psychedelic rock orgasm ever is an outrage, pure blasphemy and the reason that mankind will never truly realize their connection to all that is around us. Those of you whom have listened to Lateralus, Understand and agree that Lateralus is not just an album. Its a lesson. Its teaching us the way to mold into the pattern of existence. It is giving us the strength to overcome petty weakness such as jealousy and monogamy. It joins us all as one. One race. One color. One creed. One collective mind. It takes away all separation and reminds us that all is OK with the world. Whether you are in it or not. Your not special. You do not mean anything. And if it wasn’t for Lateralus you probably wouldn’t of been given the opportunity to be born. For your ears and mind pussy would be wasted on crap like Linkin Park and White Stripes. Oh I’m sorry, the Ass Whipes, ummmm White stripes.



So the question you have to ask yourself is. Should you listen to Lateralus. Well if this article hasn’t convinced you yet that your life is meaningless and you will die empty and hollow and alone unless you listen to Lateralus. The only other way to make things right is to kill yourself. And your sister…And the guy that works at the Steers down the road… And his dog. Like now. Take a potato plealer and slowly peal of your skin till you hit a main artery. Because your purpose and place in life is forfeit, and you have NOTHING to offer the collective mind. If however you are convinced that TOOL might sway your soul into seduction and sweet sensual sonic sensation. Then stop what your doing RIGHT NOW. even if its flying a plane. And go listen. GO on Im WAITING!!!



This is hands down. The best album ever made ever. it is perfect in every way. It is Kate Beckingsale with Estella Warrens Tits, Hayden Panettiere body and a whole lot of whipped cream. HEY WHY YOU STILL READING THIS GO!!!!



Songs to Start with:

Parabol
Parabola ( Cause its one letter awesomer )
Schizm
Lateralus
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Old 07-20-2014, 05:20 PM   #2
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Re: The best Album ever ever.

thirteenyearsTOOLatesayswhat?
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Old 07-20-2014, 06:00 PM   #3
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Re: The best Album ever ever.

lateralus isn't even tool's best album, let alone the best album ever made. 2 of the 4 songs you listed are among my least favourite tool songs, and lateralus is not the best track on the album either.

and tool is highly danceable; they are not so different from some electronic music, in spirit.

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thirteenyearsTOOLatesayswhat?
lol

Last edited by Mr. Dilkington; 07-20-2014 at 06:03 PM..
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Old 07-20-2014, 06:28 PM   #4
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Re: The best Album ever ever.

:) MARYMARYQUITECONTRARY
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Old 07-20-2014, 06:47 PM   #5
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Re: The best Album ever ever.

*Schism

Lateralus is the best track on the album IMO.
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Old 07-20-2014, 06:51 PM   #6
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Re: The best Album ever ever.

Mama Africa
How are you doing Mama
Mama Africa
Long time me no see you Mama
They took me away from you Mama
Long before I was born
They took me away from you Mama
Long before I came on in
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Old 07-20-2014, 07:18 PM   #7
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Re: The best Album ever ever.

Quote:
Originally Posted by mighael View Post
It has sodomized your senses.
This is exactly where you lost any inkling of respect from your readers.
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Old 07-20-2014, 09:22 PM   #8
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Re: The best Album ever ever.

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Originally Posted by SpiralOut34 View Post
This is exactly where you lost any inkling of respect from your readers.

Yes because my readers respect was exactly what I have been craving all along :P
This is just my opinion. And in my opnion whether valid or not ,
I have the utter most respect for the ear sex that is tool.

So there was no kwamf in that :)

Last edited by mighael; 07-20-2014 at 09:24 PM..
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Old 07-21-2014, 02:10 PM   #9
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Re: The best Album ever ever.

I almost forgot why people hate Tool fans.
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Old 07-21-2014, 04:14 PM   #10
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Re: The best Album ever ever.

i thought it was kind of funny.
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Old 08-17-2014, 03:52 PM   #11
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Re: The best Album ever ever.

Tool obviously put their heart and soul into this album. It is their gift to the world intended to share love and illumination. A real consciousness raiser both outwardly (especially where one has appropriate knowledge) and inherently.
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Old 05-20-2016, 07:22 AM   #12
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The best Album ever ever

Ive been meaning to watch Sopranos but Ive already seen the ending due to the amount of criticism it got. Still worth it?
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Old 05-20-2016, 05:15 PM   #13
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Re: The best Album ever ever

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Originally Posted by RichardSuit View Post
Ive been meaning to watch Sopranos but Ive already seen the ending due to the amount of criticism it got. Still worth it?
Not enough anal sex. I suggest Oz.
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