Hello and to you,
How is this lovely rise so far from your face,
Leading you astray.
I turn east to behold the sun,
Not a cloud is in the sky,
But when I turn to you the beauty falls into a sigh.
On this lovely morning,
How could I explain,
This world is but an audience laughing at your pain.
Joy is born from sorrow when pain is all we see.
Though I wish there was a way,
To release this grin from me.
wow... i really like it. I'm not very good at analyzing mechanics and all that opressive shit, so my opinion isn't really supported by anything besides it kind of reminds me of the woman that i love.
Stop bitching about it. If you're not surprised, why make the point?
If I want to respond to something, then I will. The reasons for that response will differ. Some works garner an emotional response from me, others I see issues in that are easy to fix. I will then point those issues out.
Feedback? Well. It doesn't speak to me in any way. What were you trying to achieve? I don't really feel anything. Try and avoid using "pain" if at all possible... it's just one of those words that doesn't seem to work in most poetry, along with "strife". Maybe that's just me though.
I'm not trying to be an asshole here, but I just don't... *fades into apathy*
__________________
So they built as men must build
With the sword in one hand and the trowel in the other.
Stop bitching about it. If you're not surprised, why make the point?
If I want to respond to something, then I will. The reasons for that response will differ. Some works garner an emotional response from me, others I see issues in that are easy to fix. I will then point those issues out.
Feedback? Well. It doesn't speak to me in any way. What were you trying to achieve? I don't really feel anything. Try and avoid using "pain" if at all possible... it's just one of those words that doesn't seem to work in most poetry, along with "strife". Maybe that's just me though.
I'm not trying to be an asshole here, but I just don't... *fades into apathy*
hmm interesting subject. you responded to thraks post so i thought i'd make good and criticize. hopefully you'll take it hte right way.
i kind of agree with thrak, the poem doesn't make me feel the feelings i think you want to convey. the voice is kind of distant. i feel like an observer rather than someone actually feeling the feelings. again i think your subject is interesting, and one that intrigues me, but it stops there. as far as your structure and ryhme goes, it's done well, i don't see a spot where it tripped me up, however that is not to say there is no room for improvement. i don't think what you need to focus on is the rhyme scheme though, that is your structure that is in need of filling. although it can get you into trouble try paraphrasing your poem with none of the words you used in the original. perhaps through simple word changes you could help the reader feel more connected to the comfort of sorrow.
another note unrelated to your poem...
i know it's frusterating when no one responsds, but when no one does i try to respond to others in hopes they will reciprocate the gesture, however i have found this does not hold true, so i guess the people on the forum like a certain kind of shit, which is fine, but still frusterates us... just remember = "All acceptances are as irrational as all rejections." That's a quote from Some Things I Wish I had Known About Writing When I Was 21 - Donald M. Murray. A few things that help me which i have posted on my bulletin board to remind of when seeking guidance on writing.
...
Joy is born from sorrow when pain is all we see.
...
I would've responded but I just didn't get it. This line confuses me. Could you explain this better? Sorry, if I come off as condescending.
__________________ "Painting a picture, composing an opera, that's just something you do until you find the next willing piece of ass. The minute something better than sex comes along, you call me. Have me paged. For sure, even the worst blow job is better than say, sniffing the best rose...watching the greatest sunset. Hearing children laugh."
-Chuck P, Choke
i usually dont explain lines but ill make an exception since i'm probably going to change it..
here im pointing out the in our society we somewhat take joy from others pain, such as how on news theres nothing but stories about death and tragedy and we all just sit there and soak it up desensitizing us.
and to respond to gregory, yes i want all criticism be it good or bad, i post on here because i think the criticism will make me a better writer, and yes i do agree the people on here want one kind of poetry which gets kind of frustrating, so from that ive learned to take all criticism and just take it as a readers opinion, the only people i actually take writing advice from is a select few including yourself because your such a gifted writer.
