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Old 05-19-2008, 08:50 AM   #1
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Empty Space

If you could see what lies behind these eyes
You would uncover a book filled with tales of lies
Hidden behind my stubborn, thick mask of skin
Buried and hidden left to rot deep within
Under the cobwebs that turned to dust
Beneath the imagine outlined with rust
Close to the blood used to hide my tracks
Far below the ears, sound ignored with wax
Above the belly where the lost butterflies hide
Below the mind that wanders for late night rides
Torn away, piece by piece, page by page, part by part
Only able to transmute to full with connected hearts

I left my pain, my guilt, my pleasure, my emotion
But found by you, of all people with a simple notion
A notion of love, a notion of care, a notion of peace
A notion of peace that was needed way down beneath
Beneath my skin, where the valley of crud washed and withered away
An empty place is made to replace of the book for your heart to stay
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Old 06-07-2008, 03:03 PM   #2
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Re: Empty Space

Anyone minding commenting please?
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Old 06-07-2008, 05:55 PM   #3
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Re: Empty Space

Quote:
If you could see what lies behind these eyes
You would uncover a book filled with tales of lies
The lack of rhythm throughout destroys any attempt at rhyming couplets. They sound disjointed, elementary and strained.

A lot of what you've used as "imagery" is cliche and trite. It really fails to go beyond anything of a basic nature.

Quote:
Under the cobwebs that turned to dust
Beneath the imagine outlined with rust
What is the "imagine"... do you mean imagination?

Quote:
Close to the blood used to hide my tracks
Far below the ears, sound ignored with wax
Above the belly where the lost butterflies hide
Below the mind that wanders for late night rides
Torn away, piece by piece, page by page, part by part
Only able to transmute to full with connected hearts
Okay, so you're trying to make some sort of anatomical metaphor here. It fails, however, as it is muddled with vague and cumbersome imagery.


Quote:
I left my pain, my guilt, my pleasure, my emotion
But found by you, of all people with a simple notion
A notion of love, a notion of care, a notion of peace
A notion of peace that was needed way down beneath
Beneath my skin, where the valley of crud washed and withered away
An empty place is made to replace of the book for your heart to stay
Repetition can be used to accentuate a theme and drive home an image or a feeling. You have overdone the repetition here.

Attempting to rhyme "peace" with "beneath" is your most admirable try, but it fails because of the lack of rhythm.

The word "crud" might work in a certain context. It has no place here.
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