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Old 03-06-2008, 08:34 PM   #1
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Blending while you blink

Monday came and went
Just like Sunday it is now spent
Your eyes are alive with questions
But your mouth makes thoughtless suggestions
I try to take it all in
But before I can, it is Tuesday again
And right when my gears are ready to align
You are already home, interrupting me with the time
Telling me how not to procrastinate
How not to find a reason to be late

And while I am pondering what you have said
It's already Wednesday and I am rising from bed
You have left for work and I find the world is now mine
I shower, eat and start what is due at nine
Before I am there the pages are complete
And the rewarding feelings that follow, I love to reap
But like every dream it is soon over
And the clock reads Thursday as I roll over
My work is due tomorrow, I haven't forgotten, I wouldn't dare
But when I came home today you were already there
Telling me how I never shoulder the blame
How easily distracted I am

And I find myself turning to Saturday
Focusing on fading away
Everything you have said
Is always running through my head
These pieces do not fit but you force them into our puzzle
Outsourcing my dreams in an obsolete struggle
So I encompass your solutions on the surface
As every day becomes the same and vividly void of purpose
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Old 03-06-2008, 08:39 PM   #2
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Re: Blending while you blink

I was digging the way that you worded the first part of this, but then after a while is seemed to start rambling on and loosing a lot of its steem. I don't think it is that bad right now, but I feel that it could be a lot better if revised and shortened.
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Old 03-07-2008, 02:11 AM   #3
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Re: Blending while you blink

this is exactly as I intended this piece to be. this was inspired by a much younger me from a childhood long ago. the rambling and loss of steam is an interesting observation, for this is undoubtedly how I felt during this particular period of time.
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Old 03-07-2008, 09:45 AM   #4
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Re: Blending while you blink

The concept is a good one. The execution of it leaves a lot to be desired.

If I wanted to trudge thru something so mundane, I'd read the local newspaper. I can understand the need to catalogue one's comings and goings, but if you're going to make the effort to put it in the form of a poem (with a rhyme scheme - although the rhyming is so forced it undermines what little worth the piece has) at least try to demonstrate some form of consistent creativity.

Quote:
vividly void of purpose
This bit, all on its own, shows that you have some potential. Although I think "void" should be replaced by "devoid".

The way the days of the week have been woven into it also shows some promise... as does the title.
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Old 03-07-2008, 11:35 AM   #5
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Re: Blending while you blink

ty for the insight and cc
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Old 03-07-2008, 01:57 PM   #6
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Re: Blending while you blink

Quote:
Originally Posted by $lither View Post
this is exactly as I intended this piece to be. this was inspired by a much younger me from a childhood long ago. the rambling and loss of steam is an interesting observation, for this is undoubtedly how I felt during this particular period of time.
I can accept your trying to establish a distinct and unique point of view, however you are trying to establish a point of view that literally every reader has experienced. This inarguably places a lot of responsibilty on your shoulders. I would be remiss if I omitted the obvious, this lacks a childhood wonder, which is very likely the most desirable trait of being a child. I also don't think claiming a particular point of view negates the need for continuity and substance. Let's not forget, Mark Twain was notorious for writing from a child's point of view, and he did it successfully, while having an obvious command of the written word. The chronological use of days establishes continuity to some degree, but it is lost in what you are attempting to convey.

I can get behind the informal approach but it has to be done with great care.
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Old 03-08-2008, 12:13 AM   #7
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Re: Blending while you blink

it may be lost to you, but then again, perhaps, you are not whom this rhetoric was searching for.

I may not conform to what you have been told is great, but this is exactly why I have made this piece public
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Old 03-10-2008, 07:02 AM   #8
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Re: Blending while you blink

Rhetoric searches for no one, it has a universal purpose.

You insinuate that you transcend known greatness. This is as stupid as it is bold. Try stepping down and writing something shitty, to demonstrate that you've surpassed the trivial.
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