Megalodony

I have never written you a letter before, so this is for you.

To the Dad who I wished I had:

Dear Dad, the very first memories that are implanted inside me, are of a Christmas, I must have been three. It was a cardboard castle that had large red bricks. I remember playing in there, this was in our first home. I also remember going sledding down a hill, which had high piles of snow, you and Mom were there making sure that I was safe. The next memory that I have was you pushing me on my first bike, learning how to ride, it was the first time that I was successful. That is all of the moments before the divorce that came.

Then the next memories that I have was of a few weekends that you had my brother and I. I remember fishing with my brother in a small lake, but you were not with us, you were in your apartment drinking whiskey. The next visit we had, that time you took us to a bar, you drank all day with your friends while you let my brother and I play pool and listen to rock songs on the jukebox. When we got home Sunday night Mom asked what we did all weekend.

You were never allowed to take us on the weekends after that, I was too young to understand back then. I would ask mom where you were at, and she said that you disappeared and that I wouldn’t be seeing him again. From age 6 to my late 20’s on my birthday, Hanukkah and Christmas I would make a wish, I would wish with all of my might for a dad, my dad. When I was 10 years old I would sleep over at my friend’s house. To me, my friend and his sister, mother and father were the perfect family in my eyes. My friend’s dad would play football and baseball, etc with us. I knew how lucky my friend was, because his dad was awesome. Another wish that I had was for my friend’s dad and mom to adopt me.

You abandoned me and my little brother. Why did you pick drinking over your own two sons? It left a hole that never got filled, it started the sadness of loss and not feeling loved. You didn’t even fight for us, you ran and hid in a bottle, shattering my development and leaving mom on her own to take care of us. That was pathetic, painful and selfish. I hated you and then got raised by a step father who didn’t know how to love me, only treat me like shit.

Fuck you for not trying and running away, I will never forgive you for everything. the money that you left us was your apology. It could never make up for what you put me through growing up without a dad. It left an everlasting feeling of being alone and sad.

Then as I got older in my 20’s, I had to seek you out to find you. I’d look through all of the phone books for you. Then I figured that I’d ask Mom if she could find you. She said that she would try. It took several weeks, but she came through, I had a phone number, your phone number. I called you, and I was so very nervous if you would even want to talk to me. I called and you answered, and you gave me your address so that I could come see you. You only lived a thirty minute drive away. I was flabbergasted by how close you actually were.

You didn’t try to look for my brother or me though, why???? I only saw you a handful of times, it was always awkward and very short lived. I’ve held this anger in the whole time. My brother hated you so much that he refused to ever talk to you again.

When I was 35 or so, you told me the truth of how ashamed you were for being such an alcoholic fuck up. I appreciate that you were honest with me. It did mean so much! But it doesn’t change the fact that you were alive and living close, but not in my life. I’m glad that you finally got sober when you were in your 50’s, up until you died eleven years ago.

I have two children who were born after you passed away. I am in a similar situation, but far far more difficult. I will never give up on them. I will be in their life, always putting them first.

Fuck you for what you did and fuck you for what you never did. Fuck you for leaving mom and your family. To the dad I never had!! But I am also so forgiving that I love you and forgive you. Mom also forgave you. My brother never will.

I love you and miss you

-Your oldest son