Duped into second-loved status,
an impatient immortal sequined vixen
of 17 dances among starved voyeurs'
glances.
Quick flashes burn vacant images on
photogenic papers. An audience of
American laypersons drool over her
unfortunate exposure.
Perpetual whoring hips stream across
ever-present airspace. Saline inflated
names engraved on colored, chalked streets
fades with each approaching rain.
Passive faux feminine wiles soothe the
comatose masses. What simple asses
we shine to the world as dainty tricks
convince us to stay tuned.
Mommy's little darling sells her skin to
snarling monopolized wolves. Slowly
we devolve into centrally segregated
insufficient groups that point self-righteous
fingers at her tanned backside.
Always a backslide when confident
encouragement fails to please federal
laws. Our gall ever exceeds potential wit.
Good sentiments on the societal implications/ramifications of stripping:
"Mommy's little darling sells her skin to
snarling monopolized wolves. Slowly
we devolve into centrally segregated
insufficient groups that point self-righteous
fingers at her tanned backside."
i feel as though each paragraph is simply restating the previous one, the idea, the wording and the vocabularly are very enticing, but the repition leads the readers mind away from a developing and evolving statement that leaves the reader not only sentemental about the situation but pullled into simliar feelings.
Maybe, to develop this more, you should lead the reader into a vulerable state in which you the writer felt in this situation. Your feelings, your manipulation that lead you into this situation. More detail to yourself and to your antagonist may lead to a readers deeper simpath or compassion towards you.
Maybe a stanza drawn completely from your feelings during the actual moment you felt you may be compromised.
i feel as though each paragraph is simply restating the previous one, the idea, the wording and the vocabularly are very enticing, but the repition leads the readers mind away from a developing and evolving statement that leaves the reader not only sentemental about the situation but pullled into simliar feelings.
Maybe, to develop this more, you should lead the reader into a vulerable state in which you the writer felt in this situation. Your feelings, your manipulation that lead you into this situation. More detail to yourself and to your antagonist may lead to a readers deeper simpath or compassion towards you.
Maybe a stanza drawn completely from your feelings during the actual moment you felt you may be compromised.
I see where you're coming from, but the focus (or intended focus, rather) was on the oblivious audience. The masses are never sympathetic when entertainment is involved. Your suggestions would work well when establishing a main character in a story, but poetry doesn't often allow for that. I appreciate your comments, though.
