I am on a new journey to be a different person than I was. Now with a clear head, my evolving plan becomes clearer with each day.
My plan is to attend as much therapy as allowed by my new psychiatrist. I have been attending AA meetings everyday thus week. My original plan was to attend one meeting a day. I have since updated this to two AA meetings a day. I need to do as much as I can to become the person that I am meant to be. The last time that I went through AA it helped tremendously. That's why upping the meetings to twice a day will provide me with twice the support and twice the knowledge.
Attending an hour long meeting is one minute of me talking, and 59 minutes of me listening, absorbing knowledge. Twice a day meetings equals 118 minutes of absorption of knowledge. The people at these meetings are so welcoming of me and my determination to remain sober and to follow the 12 steps. These people all have years of sobriety and years of wisdom. I have surrendered myself to God and these role models that seem to care about me so very much. This loving feeling of care is spiritual. Today at the noon meeting I smiled. I smiled for a while. It felt so liberating.
After the meeting I went to the beach and screamed my anger into the wind. I did that yesterday as well. Letting my anger out into the wind seems healthy. I drive away feeling lighter.
Tears and darkness keep moving farther and farther away. I made a promise to myself to be 100% honest with myself and others. Honest to the person I love dearly.
I will secure a sponsor at AA hopefully at tonight's meeting. I am dedicated to never use drugs or alcohol again. I am dedicated to change. To rid myself of character defects. The 12 steps and peers at the meetings hold the key to my metamorphosis.
God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time is how to accomplish my goals. One step at a time.
I will no longer hide in a dark cave. I will remain in a shaft of light. I will update this thread as necessary. Praying to God is helping. I have the strength to not only survive, but thrive. Thank you God for guiding me on this journey.
♥
__________________
I don't know where the sunbeams end
And the starlights begin
It's all a mystery
Today was very productive. I did laundry. I cleaned up the kids room. I vacuumed the whole house. Did the dishes. I took the dog for walk to the pet store. I am eating normal again.
Tomorrow at the noon meeting its a group meditation. I really look forward to that meeting. So many inspiring people want to help me ♥
Attending two meetings a day is paying off. God is putting these people in my path for a reason.
Goodnight
__________________
I don't know where the sunbeams end
And the starlights begin
It's all a mystery
Everything that I need to know is in the 12 steps. The knowledge that I seek will be acquired as I work the 12 steps. I had a temporary sponsor that helped me through the past two days.
Today I found a permanent sponsor at the noon meeting. He has been so supportive this past week and when I asked him to be my sponsor he gladly accepted. I will do what he asks of me and it starts with a requirement of reading a section of the Big Book.
I choose to document my journey here, in this corner of the internet where I feel safe. Safe to share my journey.
I apologize to my friends on this site for how I have behaved for the past two months.
I need to remain centered. I need to live in the now.
Walk the dog! It's a beautiful sunny day. 🌞
__________________
I don't know where the sunbeams end
And the starlights begin
It's all a mystery
Well I made it to both meetings today. I shared to the group about how I let my ego get in the way. Making it look like i was the good guy in all this. Specifically blaming the other person for MY problems. Blaming just about everything on her. I told my brother and friends lies. In reality, everything bad that has happened in the past 60 days has been 100% my fault. I will go into more detail as I work the steps with my sponsor.
As I look back on the past 4.5 years, I see where I went wrong. I was sober, yes, but I did not keep up the housekeeping. Aka I didn't continue the work that needed to be done for me to actually be living a healthy life. I stopped going to AA after 100 days or so last time. I put my life on cruise control. Not actually taking steps to better myself. I was blind at who I really was. I see now my faults. My anger issues need to be dealt with everyday for the rest of my life.
This time around I need to continue to attend AA, after I complete the 12 steps. Being sober is great, but I will always need to work on me. This also applies to therapy. I will work on my character defects for the rest of my life, in therapy and everyday life. I stopped by the beach on my way home from tonight's meeting. I let my anger out again into the wind. I let the wind carry this anger to the great garbage patch where it belongs. The more that I do this, the lighter I become. This needs to happen often, forever perhaps. Dealing with anger in a healthy way.
Feeling lighter is a huge breath of fresh air! I notice that I have smiled a few times today, and even laughed. One day at a time. One step at a time. The compass is pointing upwards, that's what matters.
I walked the dog earlier, and I will walk her again. She loves it, as I do too.
Tomorrow I am going to church for the morning prayer. Seeking knowledge and guidance through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God.
This is my journey
__________________
I don't know where the sunbeams end
And the starlights begin
It's all a mystery
Today marks one year since my mother passed away. I remembered all of the good times and the good things that she put in me. She will forever be with me in my heart! If I was not sober today it would have been a disastrous day. Alas I am sober and very grateful for that.
I have to remember to stay grounded. To stay centered. To live in the moment. All we have is now. Today. I am thankful that I have this strength to keep moving forward, and keep rising up. I thank God. I have always struggled with my concept of God. I am still figuring it out. Praying has been very helpful though. 🙏
None of this comes easy. I am fighting the darkness. I like being in the light. I am back to reality. I need to be there for my children. I will be there. I will not fail!!!
Today I went into my studio and worked on some new projects. I had been punishing myself for the past two months by not creating artwork. My ego was inflated, and it needed to gtfo. Anyways it feels good to have blue dye on my right hand. I delivered a commission today as well. I have two more unfinished things that need to he completed for customers of mine. I am also returning to the gallery to work. Being a member, you are required to work 3 days a month. I will have to make up some days when possible.
I don't watch TV anymore, except to fall asleep. I'd rather listen to music all day. Plus I am reading which is good. The Big Book (AA) is absolutely remarkable. Its a tool, and a key to healthy living. I should end this post now and get back to the book. Also I should meditate before bed.
One day at a time. One step at a time. This is my journey.
__________________
I don't know where the sunbeams end
And the starlights begin
It's all a mystery
Anger: Anger needs to be dealt with properly in a healthy manner. In the moment anger, I cannot allow myself to react. I need to take a breath and process. Be calm. If it's bad, take a break. Find a healthy solution! I am so so sorry for my past anger. I realize how bad it is now. I am sorry that I yelled so much. I am practicing on how to never yell again. The dog barking every hour is my test. I do not raise my voice at her anymore.
Jealousy: I figured out the reason why I self harmed and lost control on that night of April 25th. I was jealous and felt rejected. I lost my way. I can easily get rid of Jealousy. Trusting you is the way. I am so sorry for making the decision to drink that night. I am incredibly sorry for losing control and hurting you. I will never drink (or use drugs) again. I will never harm you again!! I hope that you can forgive me.
Codependency: I am working on this.
Manipulation: I definitely see how I was a master manipulator. Asking "What's for dinner?" or "Wow the housenis messy!". I apologize for being that way. I realize many ways I tried to push things onto you. The right way is for me to DO what needs to be done. I've manipulated people my whole life, and it started with me manipulating my mother. Because she would do anything that I asked.
Controlling: I apologize for ghis behavior. Sharing and giving is the only way. My job is to shed light, not to master.
Lack empathy: Paying attention and listening is what I need to do. Ask questions if I am unsure. I am so sorry! Your feelings matter. I handled everything wrong these past 2+ years. I wish that I could take away all of your pain. I had blinders on before, but I can see clearly now.
Arrogance: This I associate with ego. Having an inflated ego is wrong. I don't want to be arrogant at all.
Entitlement: I want to treat others better than I would treat myself. Respecting the other person!
Sensitive to criticism: I am practicing to nit take criticism personally. My therapist gave me ways to practice overcoming this.
Gaslighting: Goes hand and hand with manipulation. I see my past gaslighting. Being aware of what I did, means that I can change how I am in the future.
All of these Narc traits I can see now. Being honest about my character defects is a kick in the ass. I am willing to change for the better. I am giving my two therapists and AA (12 steps) 100% effort.
I am responsible for my actions. I am facing these defects to get myself back into a mentally healthy existence. This is for my myself, my children, and for you.
I thank God for giving me the strength to do this. I thank you for the light. I thank the Grateful Dead for a vast collection of inspiring music to live by, and love by. ❤️
Almost time for my evening meeting. I spoke to my therapist for over an hour today, which transpired into the absolute best session of therapy I have ever had in my life. I thank him!! He is incredibly wise!!
One day at a time. One step at a time. This is my journey!
__________________
I don't know where the sunbeams end
And the starlights begin
It's all a mystery
The heart has its beaches, its homeland and thoughts of its own
Wake now, discover that you are the song that the morning brings
But the heart has its seasons, it's evenings and songs of its own
__________________
I don't know where the sunbeams end
And the starlights begin
It's all a mystery
Not much of an update today. Pretty shitty day. Alive, sober and ready to face the next day though.
Walked on the beach for a while after dinner. The dog enjoyed that long walk.
I was thinking of sleeping on the beach tonight, but my tent is kinda big. Maybe I'll find a small cheap tent tomorrow, and sleep on the beach tomorrow night.
I went to the beach for several hours last night. My mind was racing. I couldn't sleep. I sat on the rocks with waves crashing less than 50 feet away. Asking God for guidance and answers. All the while a sneaker wave could have easily enveloped me. I'm being faced with mysteries dark and vast...
I'll be back there again tonight. I have a small tent and sleeping bag.
I hope to see stars tonight
__________________
I don't know where the sunbeams end
And the starlights begin
It's all a mystery
Angel came down from heaven yesterday
She stayed with me just long enough to rescue me
And she told me a story yesterday
About the sweet love between the moon and the deep blue sea
And then she spread her wings high over me
She said she's gonna come back tomorrow
And I said, "Fly on my sweet angel
Fly on through the sky
Fly on my sweet angel
Tomorrow I'm gonna be by your side"
Sure enough this morning came unto me
Silver wings silhouetted against the child's sunrise
And my angel she said unto me
"Today is the day for you to rise
Take my hand, you're gonna be my man
You're gonna rise"
And then she took me high over yonder
And I said, "Fly on my sweet angel
Fly on through the sky
Fly on my sweet angel
Forever I will be by your side"
The fight of my life to remain in the shaft of light:
I had checked myself into a psychiatric hospital on July 14th because of my depression. I had used drugs (very sparingly at the end but yeah still i relapsed several times) to self medicate to take focus off of pain and suffering (suicide attempts and daily ideations) The source of pain and suffering was self hate, blame, shame and guilt. Sadness and fear were fighting me. Beating my soul up daily. My body, mind and soul were basically in different time zones many days.
Back to the hospital stay...I was in this hospital for 7 days, I would have stayed a month if I had a pet sitter available for that long. All it took was by the second day I was smiling and laughing because I had many people to talk to. This hospital is split into three main categories, Detox, Mental Health, Severe (danger to society) Mental Health. I did not have to detox since nothing was in my system on check in day. I attended every single group therapy, Every single yoga/Tai chi, art and music class. I was eating three healthy meals a day. I rediscovered my love for basket, in playing with the four youngest "kids" all under 21. That I kept up with them and it is such a great workout. At day 7, checkout day I was in a very good mood.
When I got home the pets were so happy to see me, as I was happy to see them. My emotional support furballs. On the second day home the depression was back wtf, yeah. Isolation is a motherfucker. I attend two AA meetings a day and I'm on my third sponsor in 5 weeks. This new sponsor though, he's the one! I called him "my angel" yesterday. I have quite a few angels. The other two besides the one that has me heart is Billy Corgan. The Smashing Pumpkins, especially Billy's lyrics speak to me personally. Most songs are about depression, love and drugs. Go figure. The Grateful Dead band as a whole is the other angel.
I am still alive to write this by the grace of God and my collection of angels. Today was a good day! I'd love to string together more of these days. Alas, it's one day at a time thinking that keeps alcoholics and addicts sober. Recover is my #1 priority!! Being honest with myself, to my sponsor, peers at AA and family/friends. The AA big book is my Bible. I believe in this AA program 100%, I do. Meditation is helping tremendously. I also pray to God. This spiritual journey is still evolving and the path gets clearer with each revelation.
This is a daily humbling ritual. My ego is still fucking with me. As long as I know it's there, I will chip away every single day. I won't be convinced that it's ever gone I hope. This is what I must do. Giving my wife space is part of my journey, the hardest part. It's essential for both of us, I know this. I cry like Niagra Falls everyday, but thats ok. Im processing my emotions. I'm going to pray more, and meditate more. Plus read the Big Book each day, reading as much as my sponsor asks of me, if not more. I love all of the people at AA. I love nature. I love this universe. The other loves are obvious. This is all on me, nobody to lean on except God and limited time with my sponsor. I need to fully forgive myself to stay in the light.
My name is Mike, I am an alcoholic and addict.
This my spiritual awakening journey
🙏
__________________
I don't know where the sunbeams end
And the starlights begin
It's all a mystery
I am honestly willing to surrender myself to God and the AA 12 Steps Program. I realized past mistakes and what needed to be performed in order to achieve my goals. I now trust in God and will offer myself to Thee. I want to improve my relationship with God and be able to give gratitude and thanks as needed. I want to be able to help others in need as well.
My recovery comes first. One day at a time. Staying in the light is becoming much easier as I develop skills to never return to darkness. I look up to the wise elder peers at AA meetings. I listen to every single word said in those sacred rooms. This is a spiritual experience that keeps me sober and working the program. My sponsor Nick is the source of structure in this daily program of 12 Steps.
Reaching out to fellow people in the AA program is essential, as they help me as I help them. The AA program is a perfect ecosystem that works in harmony as you give your all to God and recovery. Sobriety is a gift that needs to be nurtured and taken seriously every single day.
I pray to God in the morning asking for strength to remain sober for the day. I pray during the day as needed, the more I pray the closer I feel to God. I will continue to apologize for past feelings and cursed words I have said. Look forward and remain in the spiritual lights. Meditation several times a day is also essential for me. Meditation calms me and removes any hidden anger. I feel at peace and it is very liberating.
Getting mad is a waste of energy directed at trivial incidents. Breathe in the powerful energy in the form of light. Exhaling anything negative. In with the good, out with thwle bad. Open up my third eye and connect with the universe, it's ancient energy and life giving elements. Pray for my wife and kids. Pray to keep them safe, warm, fed and to remove pain they have. Give thanks everyday I am here in this magical realm.
Realizing my defects each day, and meditating to push them away. Any interfering ego needs to be dealt with in my daily routine. This is key to serenity and peace. This is key to having hope that our family shall be reunited. Show compassion each day, for everyone that I encounter in town. Put other people first. Give and give more.
It feels wonderful to live a new improved way of life.
__________________
I don't know where the sunbeams end
And the starlights begin
It's all a mystery
The last time that I used I went on a walk in a nature preserve. I had such a shameful feeling. At that time I absolutely never wanted to use again. As I was walking on a wooded path a humongous hornet came from above and stung me on the head. This initiated intense pain and immediate swelling. It was the worst insect bite/sting I have ever experienced. I believe that it was God telling me that it's time to stop or else I will die. I wept on a bench and couldn't wait for the high to wear off. I never want to feel like that again.
I have truly surrendered to God and trust the guidance and the path he/she puts me on. I have been praying several times a day. God spoke to me 2 weeks ago in a group guided meditation, the voice said "You are on the right path". Also, several of my prayers have been answered. Along with my strength and determination to remain sober indefinitely. I am still figuring out my relationship with God, but it's an incredibly spiritual connection. I do not attend church services, but I would if I found the right one.
__________________
I don't know where the sunbeams end
And the starlights begin
It's all a mystery
My journey is going well. I'm vary emotional, but thats nothing new. I'm working through it. I am doing guided meditation ego detachment that I really like. It's going well. I am well aware of all the character defects that I have, so I am doing everything that I can to lose that junk.
To my ex: I was alerted to your FB/Instagram post. I am taking your post as that you have moved forward and never want to come back to me. You're free to do whatever as you know. I am moving on because of your post. If you have a change of heart, give me a sign that I cannot miss. I read posts on Reddit this morning about someone having a change of mind and wanting couples therapy, another that she wants her husband back (and kids) etc. I don't believe anything on Reddit anymore. I'm not falling for traps set by trolls. Show a sign and I will change direction. Because I am not going to post or reply on Reddit. I shouldn't even be looking there.
Have a good day!
__________________
I don't know where the sunbeams end
And the starlights begin
It's all a mystery
To my ex: I was alerted to your FB/Instagram post. I am taking your post as that you have moved forward and never want to come back to me. You're free to do whatever as you know. I am moving on because of your post. If you have a change of heart, give me a sign that I cannot miss. I read posts on Reddit this morning about someone having a change of mind and wanting couples therapy, another that she wants her husband back (and kids) etc. I don't believe anything on Reddit anymore. I'm not falling for traps set by trolls. Show a sign and I will change direction. Because I am not going to post or reply on Reddit. I shouldn't even be looking there.
Have a good day!
Ha
I’m still on Reddit. I have put my personal life out there as you have for all to see, I am much more dialed in because of clarity now. I write from the heart. Because I still want to know what’s up with YOU. This NC has divided us to the point where you are making up a version of me that is so far from the truth. I can’t control this, without you calling me you are going to keep going down that rabbit hole of twisted perception.
I too have no idea where your heart is, I feel that you are perusing someone else. So call me now, or risk me being shoved into the arms of another. Someone else is very interested in me. I’m being honest with you and all I want is honesty from you. Please stop attacking me with made up puzzle pieces, I am not attacking you one bit. Hope you see this post. I will always love you!! Close the gap and communicate or we will drift farther apart. Please talk to me friend. I’m here calm as a kitty.
You have the keys to the castle.
So hold me close before
All the doors start knocking!
__________________
I don't know where the sunbeams end
And the starlights begin
It's all a mystery
How do you write so many thoughts into words? What drives your inspiration to continue on?
It’s the love in my soul, it’s the determination in my spirit. Feelings of dragonflies of desire swarm my heart. Emotions of butterflies kiss my lips daily. Sometimes something in my mind freezes up from time to time. I went years without attempting to write something specifically special. That is until she left. I spent months self loathing and self medicating. I scramble jagged, jumbled words of grasping desperation if I write on drugs, it just doesn’t work. F drugs!! AA saved my life!! I connect with the humble and sincere people of our community and on here.
I will continue to learn from my selfish past. I am in recovery, and I take it very seriously. I’ve tried to move on from my person, it’s just not happening. I need you and only you!! I crave your love to come swimming back into my life. You are constantly on my mind. When I dream of you we are together and happy again.
I use my writing to document my every feeling, I etch my emotions in hundreds of notes that percolate on my phone. I hold on to hope and this hope overflows like raging waterfalls that will flow for a megaannum. My eternal love for you fuels these descriptions of needful desire.
I’m here in complete vulnerability. I offer my honesty, no matter how shameful or embarrassing it is. I’ve abandoned dozens and dozens of past accounts here because of being embarrassed and ashamed. I don’t want to do that anymore. This account shall continually tell my tale, our cryptic correspondence.
I have no idea which account is you. I will proceed to dance other person’s poetry as if I am conversing with you. I will pursue infinite inspiration that wanders around here in the compassionate collective of letters and poetry. I will continue to strive to shine my brilliant light onto you and others around here. Spreading love and occasional laughter fills my day with joy.
I miss you more than my woven words can conjure. You are the person who I want to spend an eternity with. This is my spiritual awakening journey. I feel grateful for the connections that I have made along the way. I will continue to create meaningful pieces of precious expression as I am guided down the golden path. May my humble reasoning pour into your cup daily.
I love you my dear and I hope that your journey is going absolutely awesome.
__________________
I don't know where the sunbeams end
And the starlights begin
It's all a mystery
I am back to attending at the very least, one AA meeting a day. Other days, two times a day. I am putting the work in. I miss my sweetheart so much. I want to care for her and fill her life with love and happiness. Light leads the way. God is helping me!!
___________
This is your spiritual awakening journey
Time apart from our loved one’s is quite difficult
We are all healing from something
Broken hearts can indeed be mended, with time and patience
Patience wasn’t even in my vocabulary before, now it’s one of my main focuses
Patience, patience, patience, rinse and repeat
I am but one person, yet I want to be an inspiration to all who need it, all who accept it
I find inspiration after inspiration here, it’s wonderful when it’s shared
We seek spiritual progress, not spiritual perfection
Use your time apart to grow, to strengthen
Be brutally honest with yourself, dig deep and list your defects, as I have many
Shine the absolute brightest, brilliant light on your defects
Work hard to be the person that you want to be, who you are meant to be
Don’t judge others, give a helping hand to those who wander in the shadows
Strike darkness from your vocabulary, banish darkness from your spirit
Let the Angels who hover above you, guide you
Stay in that glorious shaft of light
Let my words light your heart, light your life, letting hope flourish
Gravitate towards positive people, don’t give negative people a second of your time
Of your precious life
Drink from the fountain of wisdom, let God into your life, as I have
I am not a preacher, I just care about other people, I care about you
Let marvelous illuminated colors be the path that you walk upon
Be those marvelous colors
Light your life up, let your flame be ablaze
Feel the warmth of my heart, smile at the sun
Swim in the stars that are your eyes
Surf the cosmos with your head held high
Take my hand and dance with me, in the spiritual songs that inspire our desire
Your dreams will materialize when you are honest and humble
Shed toxins and strive to be healthy, mentally and physically
Write yourself letters of love, and paste those letters upon your soul
Enjoy your journey, may it make you delightfully whole
It’s up to you!!
Stay true to yourself
Reach out for support if you need it
❤️
__________________
I don't know where the sunbeams end
And the starlights begin
It's all a mystery
I have gone through several sponsors now. Timeline of mid May to today, late October.
Frank: Fired me for being too emotional. He’s kind of similar to me, but nowhere near as emotional.
Ted: awesome awesome guy, who I love. Was too busy to answer my calls.
Nick: very strict and structured, exactly what I needed. Although he is way too hard on me. I am intimidated by his male dominance over me. I can’t work with him anymore, unfortunately.
Joel: We have been friends. I took him to the Tool concert last week. He unfortunately was only a temporary sponsor, and cannot commit to be my full time sponsor.
Donna: This brings us up to today. I have come to the realization that I require a female sponsor. I am sensitive and emotional, a feminine guy. It goes against AA standards for a male to have a female sponsor, and vice versa. I am meeting with her tomorrow morning for coffee. We get along great! I need this to work if I am to complete the 12 steps, which I am almost halfway through.
I will pray to God tonight to give me strength, hope and guidance. 🙏
Things are going rather well now. The Tool show provided me with resilient spiritual energy. I am using this energy to propel myself forward and up. The lights are very bright and colorful.
♏️
__________________
I don't know where the sunbeams end
And the starlights begin
It's all a mystery
Lotus is locked out of his account, so I’m here to document his progress. “Progress”, what a cumbersome action, it’s still 2023 you see. Progress has been made in many areas, but he is incredibly hard on himself because he has not seen or talked to his oldest daughter in nine, ten months now. Time keeps ticking away, as the family life is but a memory. All he wants is his family back. To actually be there to support and care for his wife, who he will never give up on. He has completed everything asked of by the state, DHS specifically. The parenting class went well, he will continue to research everything necessary to nurture his kids, and how to deal with their feelings, especially anger. His anger went untreated for years, he has made anger a priority of treatment now, and will continue to for the rest of time.
Depression lingers and cripples, finding ways to cope are essential. He writes more than anything, but he has also got into oil painting. Oil painting is much different than acrylic and he’s still learning. He is concentrating on being truly selfless, he will always put his wife and kids first, not expecting anything in return. Patience is so necessary right now, because the system is slow slow slow. His visits with his youngest daughter are his whole life at the moment. Their visits are going great, she melts away all pain and sorrow. He is working on getting an overnight visit with her, it’s challenging because of a supervisor being needed. He is short on friends and family to fit this slot. He has a plan and goals, and his core team to help out. Staying sober is absolutely vital, it’s a battle, but he will never give up. He punishes himself because of the fact that self forgiveness is a challenge that has not been acquired quite yet. He is attending church though, so in Jesus he trusts to guide him. Baby steps. Every time he climbs the stairs, something knocks him down, over and over. Each time he gets stronger. Hope is a bird that is filled with light that flies through the darkness, eternally bright.
He sends positive energy and love to his three girls. Love will find a way!
Welp, I have a new sponsor who is almost exactly like my mom. She is very nice, compassionate and full of love. The love that I have for my sponsor is immense. She knows exactly how sensitive I am, so she knows how to approach me in this work for AA. I am on step 7 of 12! Doing the steps is essential for my journey. It’s been very difficult to write. My heart is broken and it has fractured my brain. My depression has subsided thanks to God and the strength I’ve acquired.
I’m waiting on DHS to approve my SSP. It’s been a month already! The system is slow slow slowwwww. I have patience and all I can do is stay on this path of sobriety and healing. I don’t know the future and I’m trying to keep fear at bay. I feel that my wife hates me so I’ve been on a few dates. Nobody can compare to my wife. I’m taking everything slow and making calculated decisions. My visits with my youngest daughter are precious. When she is on my lap, all of the pain melts away. Our bond is beautiful. I have a lot of love to give. My daughters mean the world to me.
I forgive anyone and everyone for everything. I hold no grudges or ill will. I feel full of light and inspiration.
This is my journey and this is the way.
__________________
I don't know where the sunbeams end
And the starlights begin
It's all a mystery
So here’s the truth. I’ve went on a few dates. Yesterday I had a date with someone who really likes me. We were talking and all of a sudden I started crying, like I couldn’t stop it. I had not cried in over a month, since I was in the hospital. I was crying because she isn’t you. I wanted her to leave at that moment. I told her that I had a bout of depression, but I didn’t elaborate and say that I was crying because I miss my wife and only want to be with her, and only her, no one compares to her (my wife). I’ve tried dating and it seems that I realized that there’s nobody who even comes close to you and our relationship (eternal connection). I have not had sex on any of these dates. I’d rather not date anymore and wait until the magic day when we will eventually talk. I love you and only you!
I see our youngest this afternoon. My SSP has been approved!! Yay! I’m just waiting on the logistics of how these SSP visits are going to go. I’d love nothing more than be able to get custody of our youngest daughter. I’ve heard that our oldest is having horrible issues dealing with being told “No”. I’m sorry that I’m not there able to help out. It’s all I want. I just hope her therapy goes well. I’ll keep on being patient.
All I can control is my own situation.
__________________
I don't know where the sunbeams end
And the starlights begin
It's all a mystery
After everything that has happened, over these past ten months of this wild and wicked, humbling and realization of defects. I’ve worked on my anger issues the most, and as of now I don’t ever raise my voice or react instantly to an unpleasant situation. I rationalize and absorb the information, process it and deal with it in a calm matter. I am tested daily. I want you to see for yourself this change. All of the other defects, like manipulation, controlling, fear, impatience and dishonesty have all been worked on as well. The ego is something that is worked on daily, I talk about everything, absolutely everything in therapy with my therapist and psychiatrist.
Being a father means the world to me, those kids are my main purpose in life. I’m being incredibly patient with the situation of the oldest child and her PTSD. I want to be there to help raise her when we get to that point.
Being in AA has taught me to sit still for an hour and just listen. I listen to everyone in AA, they talk about how to maintain sobriety. Every single meeting I hear something used, and I put it in my “toolbox”. So, I want to listen to you (my person), and everything you have to say to me. I want you to feel comfortable. When you are ready, we can meet for coffee if that is the best place, a safe place. I want us to have the best communication possible. I will tell you anything and everything that’s going on with me. I am patient, and will be ready when you are. I love you with all of my heart and soul. I never want to let you down again. I want you to be happy and proud of me, and vice versa. I believe that we can have a very healthy relationship with time, transparency, respect and patience.
__________________
I don't know where the sunbeams end
And the starlights begin
It's all a mystery
This is my update of my journey and it’s also a message for my wife. Because I don’t know if you even still have your old email address’s or not. Hopefully you see this.
I am on Step 9 (of 12) in AA right now. Step 8 and 9 go hand in hand.
Step 8 is “Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.”
I have my list completed and you are the most important person on the list. As well as our oldest daughter.
Step 9 is “Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”
You have my number blocked, so I can’t contact you…
I would like to verbally express my apologies to you. If you could call me that would be greatly appreciated, but I understand if you are not ready yet. If you could call then you can just say “Hi” (and nothing else) and then I will read to you everything that I have to say to you. Then you can hang up when I am finished. If you are dead set on no communication yet, then I’ll just wait. I am very ashamed of my behavior over the past ten years and see where and when I was wrong. How I had harmed you. I take full responsibility for everything that I’ve done to you over the past decade.
I am making incredible progress on my journey. I finally have peace and serenity in my life. It feels great. I have also made progress in visits with our youngest daughter. Our bond is beautiful. She has been pretty well behaved in listening to me. I’m working on getting custody of her in April.
Also, I’d like you to handle our finances. I trust you to know where to invest the funds that I will be receiving in the next week.
I miss you and our oldest daughter more than words could describe.
I have a new roommate, he’s in AA with me. We get along really well, he’s a good guy. He’s earned my trust, and the fur babies love going up into his room.
I am on the right path, as AA and my support team are at full strength. Since I forgave myself last month in the hospital, I’ve been able to come out of isolation and work the AA program to the best of my abilities. I live one day at a time and have no fear of the unknown future. I’ve been very productive everyday. No more Reddit and incredibly low internet usage.
I hope that you are well.
__________________
I don't know where the sunbeams end
And the starlights begin
It's all a mystery
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
__________________
I don't know where the sunbeams end
And the starlights begin
It's all a mystery
I do not want to get divorced! Not without talking to you. Trying to figure all of this out in my head is complicated. I can’t read your mind, but I have such a strong gut feeling that points me to logical truth. I would like you to hear me out please. I will not fight you, or cause this situation to get worse. I am meeting with a lawyer tomorrow and am very hesitant on giving her money that can go towards you and the girls. You are very wise. I want you to make decisions for me.
I could have spent the last eleven months chasing women and seeking lust and sex. I’d be faithful to you forever no matter the situation. I am very understanding and willing to do what it takes to save this marriage. If you are 100% set on this dissolution, then please just tell me and I will let go. I want you to be happy whether it’s with me or without. I beat myself up daily over this. I miss my oldest daughter so much. I don’t know what she looks like now. The time that I have with our youngest is oh so precious. She clings to me, as I nurture her the only way I know how, with pure love and affectionate guidance. I want her in my life, living with me. I went my whole life before fatherhood, being selfish and wrapped up in constant inebriation of self medication. Growing up without my father was the main reason why I ended up so lost. I’ll do everything to be there to our kids as a father. It’s my purpose in life. I want to give the kids everything that I never had. These kids have our mood disorders or whatever and we need to work together to raise them into a proper life, a life that is free of self medication and depression.
I love you and am sorry for lashing out in writing. I post it here and on Reddit, i put all of my heart and soul into the romantic poetry and my soul speaks in love, and despair. Every person I’ve been in contact with knows how much I care about you. I don’t know if you’ll ever forgive me. I have my Step 9 responsibility and amends letter that is supposed to be done in person, face to face. It reveals all of my past mistakes that have hurt you. It’s as thorough as possible. My sponsor is here to guide me. I want to complete the 12 steps. I can’t move forward until Step 9 is completed. I realized that I never had a healthy relationship. I have the tools now to create the absolute best relationship in the future, giving everything without self seeking. I wish that I could show you. I miss my best friend, the person who I look up to more than anyone else in the world. I believe in you and know what you are capable of. We designed and accomplished things I never thought possible, I want you to accomplish what you desire. I’d love to hear about your journey.
Controlled emotions that leak out into sadness mostly. No more reacting or rage. The universe will have its way. My ego is what it is, as my will is what it is. AA is my rock and guideline for success without defects. My weakness is this depression. God has kept me alive for the kids. I hope that you have a good support system. I support your female cause and pursuit of woman’s rights. I have nothing but respect for you. I hope you know this. You can achieve whatever you set your mind to.
I’ll always put you and the kids first. I try and put myself into your shoes and I get a sense of your hurt. We are a two sided mirror. You know me, as I know you. All I have is compassion for you. I wish that you would trust me and communicate to me everything that you feel. I’m an open book and am probably TMI. But this is who I am. I think that you are stronger than me, as I’m very emotional and vulnerable. I’d let you be who you are in our relationship. You should never have to think that I’d react to what you say. I’m sorry that you were scared. You do not have to be scared any longer. Give V a kiss for me please. I hope to see her soon. She is a part of us, creative, talented, emotional, stubborn and determined to get what she wants. I have learned quite a lot from the parenting class that I took. I don’t know how to continue…one day at a time is the way. So I’ll just keep on writing and working this broken system of child services. I’m sort I fucked everything up!! I still believe in our twin flame existence. I hope that you are doing what you’ve wanted to do in life. You are the wise one, you make me a better person. As I want to support you in all of your endeavors.
All I have for you is the truth, I hope you realize that. You are so very special. Our kids are going to need both of us.
This is my journey
Sending you light💫
__________________
I don't know where the sunbeams end
And the starlights begin
It's all a mystery
It’s not about me me me but, Ana aka Intelligent Roof took advantage of me and it’s because of how foolish I was in revealing my identity in messages on Reddit. I only wanted you and the world to know my feelings for you. I’d never want anyone to take advantage of you like that. My emotions scribe through my hand, and in my vulnerability I allowed myself to get played. Well I’ll write until my presence has evaporated. Ana is a thousand identities and those different people in her head contact me. She hates me and loves me at the same time. I am scared of her and this is only one person, of hundreds that I’ve encountered online and irl.
God I miss your face. Your essence lingers here. So elusive like a cloud that dissipates in a second.
My autism and femininity are on full display. I feel like an alien in this world. Some people accept me, but others are confused about my identity. I accept you unconditionally! Am I just a fool who is lost and painted as a crazy ex? The absolute truth is that I’m harmless, an extreme empathetic person who color’s outside the lines.
I’m all alone and pass the time with painting and writing. The only time that’s meaningful is the 3 hours a week child visits.
I don’t think anyone understands how exhaustingly insane this is. My heart pulls me into the fire of unknown passion. Existing on hope and dreams.
Please help me understand
__________________
I don't know where the sunbeams end
And the starlights begin
It's all a mystery
