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Old 06-17-2005, 08:09 AM   #1
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Inheritance

Part I

Bursting forth,
From burial and fluid-
Into this world: A child.

Given a name, a bloodline
But no voice or vision.
The way of the world: To break you.

Fearsome and loathsome,
System to slap the face and hands-
The world: a brush upon your canvas.

Bewildered and blinking,
In awe and in question-
The world and it's mysteries, waiting.

Years of the simple,
Learning, walking, talking
The world's eyes, watching progress.

They teach you, they tell you, they hold you,
They clutch you tight- and crying.
They scold you, they grow you, they scar you,
They limit your sight- while smiling.
They condone and condemn, bred into sanctions and sins,
Controlled by their warmth, their fear, their blood in your skin.

Eyes become swollen. Minds become sullen. Fingers numb from reaching.
Money and madness. Children and wives, and middleclass lives. Two cars, a house and vacations: On someone else's clock, we beg for change.

Pondering, wandering, wondering why?
We stumble along our programmed lives.

For god and for country, for family and friend:
We toil, we play, from color to gray, we worship and pray-

That the next life reaps this one's reward.
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Last edited by Hogpile; 06-17-2005 at 08:35 AM..
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Old 06-17-2005, 09:43 AM   #2
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Re: Inheritance

I like it!!!!!! Interesting picture of life, nothing astoundingly new or anything but nicely written but good all the same.
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Old 06-17-2005, 01:32 PM   #3
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Re: Inheritance

HOGPILE.

This is fantastic. I love it.
((I will comment further later, I just wanted to let you know I read it, and really enjoyed it!))
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Old 06-19-2005, 09:58 PM   #4
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Re: Inheritance

They teach you, they tell you, they hold you,
They clutch you tight- and crying.
They scold you, they grow you, they scar you,
They limit your sight- while smiling.
They condone and condemn, bred into sanctions and sins,
Controlled by their warmth, their fear, their blood in your skin.


-- I really like that passage.
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Old 06-19-2005, 10:31 PM   #5
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Re: Inheritance

Interesting.
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Old 06-20-2005, 06:22 AM   #6
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Re: Inheritance

Thanks guys, for the comments. Should be a Part II coming somewhat soon if you're interested.
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Old 06-21-2005, 04:42 AM   #7
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Re: Inheritance

This is, by far, your best that I've read. Keep it up, man.
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Old 06-21-2005, 06:25 AM   #8
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Re: Inheritance

Thanks meg, I appreciate the compliment.
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Old 06-25-2005, 09:44 AM   #9
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Re: Inheritance

very well done, i like your perspective, keep it shifting man
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Old 06-27-2005, 09:39 AM   #10
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Re: Inheritance

Awesome work Hogpile. There's really nothing more to say/add.
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Old 06-27-2005, 02:27 PM   #11
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Re: Inheritance

Thanks a lot for your compliment man, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
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Old 06-29-2005, 08:19 AM   #12
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Re: Inheritance

I love the rhythm, and the subtle rhyming.

I especially love this:
They teach you, they tell you, they hold you,
They clutch you tight- and crying.
They scold you, they grow you, they scar you,
They limit your sight- while smiling.
They condone and condemn, bred into sanctions and sins,
Controlled by their warmth, their fear, their blood in your skin

Great flow and timing. Seems to come very natural, not forced. Very, very well done.

I really like how throughout the poem, you changed the form. It works very well.
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+1 Eoafa. end thread/ -Kelly
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Old 06-29-2005, 08:25 AM   #13
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Re: Inheritance

Quote:
Originally Posted by EyesOfAFallenAngel
I love the rhythm, and the subtle rhyming.

I especially love this:
They teach you, they tell you, they hold you,
They clutch you tight- and crying.
They scold you, they grow you, they scar you,
They limit your sight- while smiling.
They condone and condemn, bred into sanctions and sins,
Controlled by their warmth, their fear, their blood in your skin

Great flow and timing. Seems to come very natural, not forced. Very, very well done.

I really like how throughout the poem, you changed the form. It works very well.
Thanks, I'm glad I finally posted something here, where someone noticed my deliberate timing/rhythm. I really appreciate the praise from you guys on this one, because I too, have been in a funk(writers block) lately, and this was something I felt extremely pleased with.

P.S. It's a song. Thus the timing. I envisioned it as 2-3 parts. I should have a second part soon, and if any of you are interested, I will post it. My best friend up in NoCal is getting a pro-tools set-up soon, and asked me to start coming up with lyrics.(He's a badass guitar player). I'm pretty excited to see what he comes up with for this lyric.

Thanks again, for the comments.
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Old 09-16-2005, 03:21 PM   #14
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Re: Inheritance

Really good work. As was said before, it wasn't some revolutionary, mindbending poem, but definitely well written and moving. This is the first I've seen of yours...hope to see more.
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Old 09-16-2005, 04:21 PM   #15
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Re: Inheritance

Interesting mix of poetry and hip hop style flow
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Old 09-17-2005, 08:57 PM   #16
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Re: Inheritance

nice work
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Old 09-19-2005, 06:41 AM   #17
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Re: Inheritance

Thanks all. I have some pieces for part two. I'll post it when I finish. Thanks for the comments/compliments.
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Old 09-19-2005, 06:59 AM   #18
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Re: Inheritance

How's the song coming? Are you singing it?
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Old 09-19-2005, 07:12 AM   #19
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Re: Inheritance

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tyro
How's the song coming? Are you singing it?
No, not much of a singer. Once I finish the second part, and maybe a third, I have a friend up north who's a badass guitar player, and he wants to put music to it. I originally envisioned it as a three-piece song, with each part interlocking, but being set to different music. I'm looking forward to seeing what my friend comes up with. If it comes out badass, we have another buddy who has access to some pretty sweet studio equipment, and we can record it. We'll see.
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Old 09-19-2005, 07:19 AM   #20
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Re: Inheritance

So, got any ideas of who will do the vocals?
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Old 09-19-2005, 07:31 AM   #21
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Re: Inheritance

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tyro
So, got any ideas of who will do the vocals?
Probably my friend, since he's a badass singer, as well as a pimp ass guitar player. He can also lay down the bass tracks, so all we really need is a drummer.
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