SpiralOut34

I met a girl who reminded me of you, little torture
It makes me wonder if I should bother at all
To be, or not quite all the way, along the other side of love—
It makes me wonder if we, the tortured, incidentally find
Each and every human soul that will hurt us over, over…
The part that bothers me the most is,
You were my brother, she was my lover,
And together you have hurt me more than I can take.
I used to love you both so much,
And now I should lie my love down and let it dry out
But I’m too used to loving you both to let it crack.
I do not know if you, in your innocently twisted state of mind,
Have ever experienced a paradox of feeling.
But let me tell you, little brother, little torture…
This is more than I can take.
But I’m so used to loving you both, I hold it in,
Keep it wet, use my tears if I must…
Because it is my nature to love without anger,
To forgive without regret,
To hold on and on until my arms ache,
My hands bleed from clutching.
I’m holding on the edge of sanity and reason,
And all for you, my tormentor,
My brother and lover,
One and the same in choice of lies.
Would you mind repeating to me once more in the dark
What you used to say so many ages ago?
Tell me once more, brother, how many times did you say, ‘I’m sorry’?
How many times did you promise it was the last time?
Because she told me she was sorry too, when she showed me the truth
That lying was her specialty, just as yours was…to know I knew her so long ago
I knew her before I was old enough to know what that pain was,
Before I was even old enough to know that I loved either way.
I knew her because I knew you.
I suppose I should thank you for telling me, forgive you for hurting me, love you forever.
But it is my nature to hold on until my arms ache,
Until my hands bleed from clutching,
Onto the edge of sanity and reason that you have ruined
With your lies.
Little brother, little lover,
Tell me once more what you whispered in the dark.
It’s the last time, I promise.

Comments and suggestions appreciated, of course.

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"Repugnant is the creature who would squander his ability..."

Tool - June 20, 2010 - A Perfect Circle - July 22, 2011 - Tool - January 21, 2012 -
Nine Inch Nails - November 5, 2013 - Skinny Puppy - January 30, 2014 - Tool - March 24, 2014 - Tool - January 13, 2016

Master Roshi

This gets a bit way too repetitious by the end, and it seems to me like it goes on for far too long before you finally cap it off. I think you should really consider maybe cutting this down in length by 3/4 and focusing on the best parts.

The best in this is found where you have some alliteration, and where you do have that you do a decent job at it, but for the most part it truly sounds like you're rambling incoherently.

I really can't begin to guess what you meant to say by this poem, and maybe that should be your focus; to really bring across the point you're trying to make.

Master Roshi

Remember, creating good poetry doesn't necessarily mean you have to be verbose. In fact, if you can say what you mean well, you should be able to say everything you said here in 3-4 sentences. Less is more sometimes, and I think this is one of those times.

SpiralOut34

Actually useful criticism, thank you :)

Reading back through this, I am not sure why I posted. I don't particularly like it. I think at certain times we tend to like certain sounds and then you reread and you're like, "What?" It does go on and probably wouldn't make any sense to someone who didn't understand my situation.

I guess the point of it would make more sense: I'm talking to my younger brother who did some stuff he really shouldn't have, and I guess I'm trying to justify the length by saying it's a good rant--however I know it's waaay too long.

Thanks :)

__________________
"Repugnant is the creature who would squander his ability..."

Tool - June 20, 2010 - A Perfect Circle - July 22, 2011 - Tool - January 21, 2012 -
Nine Inch Nails - November 5, 2013 - Skinny Puppy - January 30, 2014 - Tool - March 24, 2014 - Tool - January 13, 2016

infinitee

I didn't think it was too long. Didn't sound like rambling, either.

I liked it

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"You are, and shall be, set in obsidian obelisk.
Those scars, these memories, will see you through"

harrysmith

One last time i want to see the all episodes of vampire diaries series .

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