infinitee

My attempt at a syllabic-type poem. i dont know if i got all of the accents right, there are supposed to be four-two in each half line.


A pining specter
in the pouring rain,
Hands outstretched,
beckoning your return.
Its countenance,
broken and black,
is hooded, hidden,
veiled and void
of peace, of pain.
A hoary aura
Flickers and shimmers,
moon-like in the rain.
Staring numbly,
you scream her name.
Eyes burning,
cheeks slick
with guilty tears
of regretful pasts and
stolen years.
The memories
that faded from view
come flooding in a torrent.
You stumble forward,
into the outstretched arms,
feeling the frigid,
frost-like aura.
You embrace the stillness
Of the pining specter,
And in the spiraling space,
the stolen years,
and guilty tears,
are slown and replaced
with a stunning semblance
of inner peace.



edit: every other line is the last half of the one before, i forgot that i cant do indentations, or at least dont know how.

__________________
"You are, and shall be, set in obsidian obelisk.
Those scars, these memories, will see you through"

ColdLogic

I don't particularly care about imposed structure, myself.
This is, by far, the strongest thing you've written. Read aloud, the flow of sounds is incredibly evocative. I suppose if pressed to offer some sort of constructive criticism, I'd suggest ditching some of the repititious phrases (pining specter or pouring rain, etc).

But seriously, very well done!

__________________
^ live one

infinitee

I'm not really one for structure, either, but this was for my class again. Some of my favorite things that I've written, though, have come from having to have structure.

Thanks a lot. I agree that getting rid of the repetitive phrases would help, so I'll be posting a revised edit in a little bit.

__________________
"You are, and shall be, set in obsidian obelisk.
Those scars, these memories, will see you through"

infinitee

Semblance of Inner Peace

A pining specter
in the pouring rain,
Hands outstretched,
beckoning your return.
Its countenance,
broken and black,
is hooded, hidden,
veiled and void
of peace, of pain.
A hoary aura
Flickers and shimmers,
moon-like in the mist.
Staring numbly,
you scream her name.
Eyes burning,
cheeks slick
with guilty tears
of regretful pasts and
stolen years.
The memories
that faded from view
come flooding in a torrent.
You stumble forward,
into the outstretched arms,
feeling the frigid,
frost-like aura.
You embrace the stillness
of the solemn spirit,
And in the spiraling space,
the extent of this illusion
slips from your grasp,
pales, and is replaced
with a stunning semblance
of inner peace.


I think it worked nicely. I dont know if mist is too weak of a word, considering that it says "pouring rain," but it has a nice imperfect rhyme with slick. i was also surprised at how long i kept the "sp's" going near the end.

Again ColdLogic, you have gotten me to revise and change for the better, and i think you for that.

__________________
"You are, and shall be, set in obsidian obelisk.
Those scars, these memories, will see you through"