05-04-2009, 06:09 PM
#1
Level 4 - Thinker
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Wisconsin
Shame
paint your fingers
lips and eyes
disappear
in your disguise
catch your shadow
in the sun
hope the clouds
don't ever come
look into the eyes of empty
carry the weight of decay
pretend your always happy
now do you feel like me
Make up a wold to live in
Sheltered from all the pain
find out there's no escaping
now do you feel misery
dress your skin
and dance around me
suck me in
with your own lies
hide the truth
like nothing happened
leave me empty
and left to die
look into the eyes of empty
carry the weight of decay
pretend your always happy
now do you feel like me
Make up a wold to live in
Sheltered from all the pain
find out there's no escaping
now do you feel misery
as your place your heart with a stone
I watch your eyes decompose
make me believe that you love me
soon I'll find nothing for me
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05-09-2009, 09:52 PM
#2
Level 9 - Obstreperous
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where infinity converged
Posts: 1,311
Bincount™: 1385
Re: Shame
Quote:
Originally Posted by
dead1nyou
hope the clouds
don't ever come
i liked most of it, cept for this line
Quote:
Originally Posted by
dead1nyou
leave me empty
and left to die
and this
overall, good, strong words, but i think the lines themselves could use a little work
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"You are, and shall be, set in obsidian obelisk.
Those scars, these memories, will see you through"
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05-11-2009, 09:18 PM
#3
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Re: Shame
This is kinda sad dead1nyou but I believe that I know where you're coming from and do like how the stanzas flow.
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And the starlights begin
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Last edited by lotus.; 05-12-2009 at 08:59 AM ..
Reason: oops
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05-12-2009, 03:34 AM
#4
Level 9 - Obstreperous
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where infinity converged
Posts: 1,311
Bincount™: 1385
Re: Shame
dont contradict me! >:v
well, they do flow, i guess. i suppose i just think that some better words could be used.
the first stanza is great. my biggest problem was "now do you feel misery," four unaccented syllables in a row. it really takes away from the power of that stanza.
__________________
"You are, and shall be, set in obsidian obelisk.
Those scars, these memories, will see you through"
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05-13-2009, 06:41 PM
#5
Level 4 - Thinker
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Wisconsin
Re: Shame
thanks for the feed back
I agree fully the day i wrote that
I cant really say I was feeling everything
that and I kept leaving the words as is
not normally what I do
But I haven't felt this way in a long time
which brings me to the point
nothings going to connect with confusion
but again thanks I'll see what comes out next time
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05-13-2009, 10:52 PM
#6
Up From The Skies Suicide Booth ID: 13
Join Date: Jul 2006
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Bincount™: 26323
Re: Shame
Cool cool.
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I don't know where the sunbeams end
And the starlights begin
It's all a mystery
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