lotus.

This is a letter to myself. I really need to write myself more frequent letters, as 99% of my letters, or more specifically poetry, are purely created for my person. My person has mentioned that I should write myself letters, and so has my therapist.

In this difficult time of separation, it has been quite the unpredictable rollercoaster of emotions. Dealing with crippling depression, and a sea of sorrow. I also hold on to a mountain of hope, I do have incredible amounts of strength as well.

My mind is the enemy, overthinking and over analyzing things that I read, thoughts that I have, and in the end becoming overwhelmed with confusion. Confusion causes frustration and then I am consumed with an abundance of tears.

I am completely honest with myself, and am totally aware of my many defects, and have nothing to hide. I am not embarrassed by anything at all, and over the course of this year I have realized many new attributes about myself.

I am a very loving person and in this exploration of love I have accepted that I am bi-sexual. I am completely comfortable with my sexuality and I suppose that I ran from it most of my life. Even though I may never end up being with another man, because I am dedicated to my person and love her and only her.

I live in our house, even though my person doesn’t live here anymore. It’s a daily reminder of the memories we have shared here. I’m pretty sure that she visits our house when I’m at an appointment or meeting. She probably wants to say hi to our cat and dog, and pick up clues as to what I’m up to.

The makeup in the bathroom is mine. I have experimented with different looks, to try and make myself feel better about myself. I feel unattractive and rejected, which is partially why I have started applying eyeshadow, nail polish and lipstick.

Out in the community I have received many compliments on my new look. Only one person said that “I shouldn’t show up to my child visit with this look, because it would confuse her”. Ah conservative thinking, shake my head. I celebrate diversity!! Not to get political, but I am very liberal. I am still new to applying makeup, and I’m trying to keep it to a minimum, so it doesn’t look trashy.

Back to this depression, I have not been able to work, I eat the bare minimum and have not been cleaning the house everyday, like I was previously. I cannot let my person’s words of the day, that I read here, shape my moods, I know this.

I have found God this year, over the summer. I had been agnostic for my whole life, but not anymore. I attend and am a part of our local AA community. So, because of needing a higher power in AA, that’s when I thought that I would try and find God. Since I have found God, my relationship with “him” has improved significantly. I pray everyday and I have started to attend church, I have also started going to bible study.

I know that in order for me to go from surviving to thriving, my relationship with God will have to improve even more from where I am at currently. I believe that there are angels watching me over me, these angels follow me around and keep a shaft of brilliant bright light on me.

I have much more to say to myself, and this letter will be part 1 of an undetermined amount of letters to myself.

To be continued…

Comments are welcomed if you happen to stumble upon this.

__________________

I don't know where the sunbeams end
And the starlights begin
It's all a mystery