__________________ Concerning Wings for Marie, I wouldn't lose any respect for Maynard if he became a Christian. I already lost all my respect for him when I found out an AC/DC album was in his top 5.
<moron interpretation>I really think the song is about finding yourself through looking at the lives of others. I think it stands for "Here", as in "in this holy reality, choosing to be here."</moron interpretation>
__________________ Mistakenly posted on my door a few weeks ago:
"Dear Mr. Hesk,
I know you got drunk, broke into my house and shampooed my cats again. If this happens one more time I'm calling the police. I'm sick of this."
in my opinion, they changed the title to H. so that you WOULD think about it: "half empty or half full" is too self-explanatory, which is un-Tool-ish. "think for yourself," that's the lesson that i believe the title conveys. this is just my opinion, "think for yourself"
During the 1997 Lollapooloza tour Maynard spoke something generally like this " This next song is about having children, do any of you have kids? It is amazing how much they change your life isn't it?" Then began to play H. which is one of my favorite songs. If you listen to the song you can see why this could be true:
Whats coming through is alive - Giving Birth
My blood before me begs me open up my heart again - His child is his blood, wants to be loved, all children to
I feel this coming over like a storm again - All of the emotions that being a father brings.
I am too connected to you, slip away to fade away, Days away I still feel you touching me, changing me, and considerately killing me - He is his son he is connected to him, days away.. while on tour waiting to come home to see him, killing me.. he misses him so much it is killing him.
And as the snake is drowned and as i looked in his eyes my fear begins to fade recalling all of the times i could have cried then, I should have cried then - He has been scared of being a father but as he looks at his son he loosed that fear, he should of cried when his child was born because he was so happy.
And as the snake is drowned and as i look in your eyes my fear begins to fade recalling all of the times i have died, and will die its alright i don't mind - he is now speaking to his son, saying im not scared anymore im not scared your going to hurt me, and make me die inside, and all the times in the future that you will do it, i dont mind i love you your my son.
THE BEAUTY OF LYRICS SO MANY INTERPITATIONS FOR SO MANY PEOPLE. Just my opinion i think maynard was fucking with the cround, he speaks in riddles to mystrify his identity. Also he doesnt like to be take serously. i dont know i wasnt there. alot of the songs hes written seam to be aout drugs, he names a CD opiate which is a derivitive of heroin and the new apc cd seams to tke you on a journey of drug addiction.
Location: Somewhere Far Below The Mines Of The Superstition Mountains
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Re: The Meaning of H. Spoken by Maynard himself
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mandolina
THE BEAUTY OF LYRICS SO MANY INTERPITATIONS FOR SO MANY PEOPLE. Just my opinion i think maynard was fucking with the cround, he speaks in riddles to mystrify his identity. Also he doesnt like to be take serously. i dont know i wasnt there. alot of the songs hes written seam to be aout drugs, he names a CD opiate which is a derivitive of heroin and the new apc cd seams to tke you on a journey of drug addiction.
I'm pretty sure, now correct me if I'm wrong, that Opiate was named that from the quote which found a place in the bands heart "Religion is the opiate of the masses"...this is gonna seem outta place but someone mentioned that Maynard doesn't write about drugs well I should take this to the Stinkfist forum but I've always thought stinkfist was about drugs.
H is not fucking about heroin. Maynard has said himself that it's about his son on numerous occasions. He's not a fucking junkie. doesn't "Fuck all you junkies and fuck your short memory" come to mind ? He's also said he's never been addicted to any drug.
I understand how he fucks around and says "this song is about anal sex" before stinkfist, four degrees or pretty much any song to mock people who only look at the surface. but he's not a man who jokes about his son .
Besides, heroin is one thing. "Both totally void of hate" is two things. to me, it means devo and devo's mom. maynard was abused as a child (Prison Sex) and he knows how child abuse works in cycles. he feels angry sometimes and wants to lash out but he doesn't because he looks into his son's eyes and sees himself, in a way as a child who has done no wrong.
His son's name is Devo H. Keenan. No middle name, just H. That's where the title comes from. Most of tool's songs are very much open to interpretation but I think this isn't one of them.
i have a boot leg where he starts it off with a speech too, this is what he says
"so uh, any of you ever watch those warner brothers cartoons, (a few people in the crowd cheer) sometimes theres that one where the guy's having a tough time making a decision hes got an angel on one shoulder a devil on the other, seems pretty obvious right usually the angel gonna give the good advice the devil tryin to get him to do whats bad for him, its not always that simple though most times they're like not really angels or devils, there just friends giving you advice, looking out for your best intrest but not really understanding whats gonna be best for you, so it kinda comes down to you you have to make the decision your self, this songs called H. (bass to H starts)"
__________________ "It starts with understanding of suffering, not by mere mind, but by the PURIFIED MIND."
He’s going back inside himself to that happy place.
If you analyze "H." by Tool you will come to understand that Maynard was emotionally abused by his father (or stepfather, can't be sure which one). This could go hand in hand with "jimmy" if you consider the fact that his mother cannot protect him from the abuse he is suffering because of her condition. This may also go hand in hand with "Prison Sex" because in a live show in Quebec on 11/29/96 Maynard said "Prison Sex" was about "recognizing, identifying a cycle of abuse within yourself, that's the first step of the process -- realization, identifying. The next step is to work though it, but this song is about the first step which is recognizing." The "cycle of abuse within yourself" could be about Maynard's feelings but is probably more about his father's (or stepfather's) because his son had not yet been conceived when this album (Undertow) was released.
This is an interpretation of the song H. by Tool off of their 1996 CD Ænima. This interpretation was submitted to lyricinterpretations.com by a person known as "Zaq". This seems to make sense. It seems that this song is about Maynard and his struggle to not fall into a cycle of abuse (reminiscent of "Prison Sex"?) directed at his son Devo. Devo was born in 1995 and Ænima was released in 1996, though Devo was obviously conceived in mid to late 1994 giving plenty of time for Maynard to write this song about an unborn child "my blood before me". I also think that this song goes hand in hand with "jimmy" in describing Maynard's thoughts and feelings about himself and/or his parents. I came to this conclusion when I saw Maynard James Keenan was actually born James Herbert Keenan. So, jimmy is James when he was eleven and H. could be short for Herbert his middle name. H. Is also Devo's middle name, not initial but name, H. Isn't short for anything save for H.
Here is "Zaq's" interpretations of "H."
The snake represent Maynard's father.
The "blood before me" represents Devo, Maynard's son.
"What's coming through is alive.
What's holding up is a mirror.
But what's singing songs is a snake
Looking to turn this piss to wine."
This means the Maynard we experience in most songs is the Maynard seen in his father's mirror, the Maynard that was shaped in his father's image. But he is trying to turn all these negatives(piss) to positives(wine).
The snake behind me reminds me, how bad I could have been.
My son in front of me begs me to let my guard down, to love, to grow again.
"Venomous voice, tempts me,
Drains me, bleeds me,
Leaves me cracked and empty.
Drags me down like some sweet gravity."
The way he was treated by his father makes him feel like shit, takes his will to live away, and he is tempted to let it drag him down(because he feels worthless). It is "Sweet gravity" because it would be easy to treat his son that way, and in a way it would feel right, because it would be a release, and because his father treated him that way.
"I am too connected to you to
Slip away, to fade away.
Days away I still feel you
Touching me, changing me,
And considerately killing me."
He loves his son too much to slip and fade into what he feels he is destined to become. Even when he isn't with his son, he can still feel his son's effects on him, can still feel his son killing the snake inside of him.
"The walls came down."
The walls he had put up to protect him emotionally have come down, allowing him to love and be loved.
"And the snake is drowned and
As I look in his eyes,
My fear begins to fade
Recalling all of those times.
I could have cried then.
I should have cried then."
The snake inside him is dead, and as he watches it die, he is no longer afraid. He was so relieved that he could have cried.
"I have died
and will die.
It's all right.
I don't mind."
The snake has died, other parts of him will die, he will change, but it's okay. I don't mind.
"And considerately killing me..."
HEY, it's a POSITIVE Tool song!!!
Submitted by "Zaq" on lyricinterpretations.com
One note about the line "considerately killing me...", I think that means that parts of him are dying but they are the bad things and they are being killed considerately by love from his son and his love for his son.
I hope this makes sense, it did to me and I was perfectly "sober" when I wrote this. Oh, and sorry about all the puns and subversive references to various Tool songs, I couldn't resist.
yeah i agree with some of the other people theres a meaning why maynard wrote it, but its intended for your own interpritation or the meaning is what you want it to be
__________________ "It starts with understanding of suffering, not by mere mind, but by the PURIFIED MIND."
He’s going back inside himself to that happy place.
If you analyze "H." by Tool you will come to understand that Maynard was emotionally abused by his father (or stepfather, can't be sure which one). This could go hand in hand with "jimmy" if you consider the fact that his mother cannot protect him from the abuse he is suffering because of her condition. This may also go hand in hand with "Prison Sex" because in a live show in Quebec on 11/29/96 Maynard said "Prison Sex" was about "recognizing, identifying a cycle of abuse within yourself, that's the first step of the process -- realization, identifying. The next step is to work though it, but this song is about the first step which is recognizing." The "cycle of abuse within yourself" could be about Maynard's feelings but is probably more about his father's (or stepfather's) because his son had not yet been conceived when this album (Undertow) was released.
This is an interpretation of the song H. by Tool off of their 1996 CD Ænima. This interpretation was submitted to lyricinterpretations.com by a person known as "Zaq". This seems to make sense. It seems that this song is about Maynard and his struggle to not fall into a cycle of abuse (reminiscent of "Prison Sex"?) directed at his son Devo. Devo was born in 1995 and Ænima was released in 1996, though Devo was obviously conceived in mid to late 1994 giving plenty of time for Maynard to write this song about an unborn child "my blood before me". I also think that this song goes hand in hand with "jimmy" in describing Maynard's thoughts and feelings about himself and/or his parents. I came to this conclusion when I saw Maynard James Keenan was actually born James Herbert Keenan. So, jimmy is James when he was eleven and H. could be short for Herbert his middle name. H. Is also Devo's middle name, not initial but name, H. Isn't short for anything save for H.
Here is "Zaq's" interpretations of "H."
The snake represent Maynard's father.
The "blood before me" represents Devo, Maynard's son.
"What's coming through is alive.
What's holding up is a mirror.
But what's singing songs is a snake
Looking to turn this piss to wine."
This means the Maynard we experience in most songs is the Maynard seen in his father's mirror, the Maynard that was shaped in his father's image. But he is trying to turn all these negatives(piss) to positives(wine).
The snake behind me reminds me, how bad I could have been.
My son in front of me begs me to let my guard down, to love, to grow again.
"Venomous voice, tempts me,
Drains me, bleeds me,
Leaves me cracked and empty.
Drags me down like some sweet gravity."
The way he was treated by his father makes him feel like shit, takes his will to live away, and he is tempted to let it drag him down(because he feels worthless). It is "Sweet gravity" because it would be easy to treat his son that way, and in a way it would feel right, because it would be a release, and because his father treated him that way.
"I am too connected to you to
Slip away, to fade away.
Days away I still feel you
Touching me, changing me,
And considerately killing me."
He loves his son too much to slip and fade into what he feels he is destined to become. Even when he isn't with his son, he can still feel his son's effects on him, can still feel his son killing the snake inside of him.
"The walls came down."
The walls he had put up to protect him emotionally have come down, allowing him to love and be loved.
"And the snake is drowned and
As I look in his eyes,
My fear begins to fade
Recalling all of those times.
I could have cried then.
I should have cried then."
The snake inside him is dead, and as he watches it die, he is no longer afraid. He was so relieved that he could have cried.
"I have died
and will die.
It's all right.
I don't mind."
The snake has died, other parts of him will die, he will change, but it's okay. I don't mind.
"And considerately killing me..."
HEY, it's a POSITIVE Tool song!!!
Submitted by "Zaq" on lyricinterpretations.com
One note about the line "considerately killing me...", I think that means that parts of him are dying but they are the bad things and they are being killed considerately by love from his son and his love for his son.
I hope this makes sense, it did to me and I was perfectly "sober" when I wrote this. Oh, and sorry about all the puns and subversive references to various Tool songs, I couldn't resist.
I totally agree with this 95%, except the the abusive father part. I'm not sure if that's true or not or even if so that's it's his father he's referring to. It may just be the shadow within himself (referred to in 46&2) that he's battling inside himself and the infinite negative temptations that may surround him as they do with any rockstar. He may have not had much compassion in his life for a long time until his son was born and that's what finally made him face himself and break down his own emotional walls and may have been the first time he cried in a very ling time.
Last edited by Inner_Eulogy; 02-09-2007 at 10:59 AM..
H is a song about his son. The experience of being a father changed his life completely. The reason the song is called H is pretty obvious to me:
"Carl Jung's influence can sometimes be found in more unexpected quarters. For example, Jung once treated an American patient - one Rowland H. - suffering from chronic alcoholism. After working with the patient for some time, and achieving no significant progress, Jung told the man that his alcoholic condition was near to hopeless, save only the possibility of a spiritual experience. Jung noted that occasionally such experiences had been known to reform alcoholics where all else had failed."
Think about it, the Aenima album is based largely upon Carl Jung's teachings...
Forty-Six & 2
"The shadow is an unconscious complex that is defined as the repressed and suppressed aspects of the conscious self.
There are constructive and destructive types of shadow.
On the destructive side, it often represents everything that the conscious person does not wish to acknowledge within themselves. For instance, someone who identifies as being kind has a shadow that is harsh or unkind. Conversely, an individual who is brutal has a kind shadow. The shadow of persons who are convinced that they are ugly appears to be beautiful.
On the constructive side, the shadow may represent hidden positive influences. This has been referred to as "the gold in the shadow." Jung points to the story of Moses and Al-Khidr in the 18th Book of the Koran as an example.
Jung emphasized the importance of being aware of shadow material and incorporating it into conscious awareness, lest one project these attributes on others.
The shadow in dreams is often represented by dark figures of the same gender as the dreamer.
According to Jung the human being deals with the reality of the Shadow in four ways: denial, projection, integration and/or transmutation."
Aenima
"Jung identified the anima as being the unconscious feminine component of men and the animus as the unconscious masculine component in women. However, this is rarely taken as a literal definition: many modern day Jungian practitioners believe that every person has both an anima and an animus. Jung stated that the anima and animus act as guides to the unconscious unified Self, and that forming an awareness and a connection with the anima or animus is one of the most difficult and rewarding steps in psychological growth. Jung reported that he identified his anima as she spoke to him, as an inner voice, unexpectedly one day.
Often, when people ignore the anima or animus complexes, the anima or animus vies for attention by projecting itself on others. This explains, according to Jung, why we are sometimes immediately attracted to certain strangers: we see our anima or animus in them. Love at first sight is an example of anima and animus projection. Moreover, people who strongly identify with their gender role (e.g. a man who acts aggressively and never cries) have not actively recognized or engaged their anima or animus.
Jung attributes human rational thought to be the male nature, while the irrational aspect is considered to be natural female. Consequently, irrationality is the male anima shadow and rationality is the female animus shadow."
H is a song about his son. The experience of being a father changed his life completely. The reason the song is called H is pretty obvious to me:
"Carl Jung's influence can sometimes be found in more unexpected quarters. For example, Jung once treated an American patient - one Rowland H. - suffering from chronic alcoholism. After working with the patient for some time, and achieving no significant progress, Jung told the man that his alcoholic condition was near to hopeless, save only the possibility of a spiritual experience. Jung noted that occasionally such experiences had been known to reform alcoholics where all else had failed."
Think about it, the Aenima album is based largely upon Carl Jung's teachings...
Forty-Six & 2
"The shadow is an unconscious complex that is defined as the repressed and suppressed aspects of the conscious self.
There are constructive and destructive types of shadow.
On the destructive side, it often represents everything that the conscious person does not wish to acknowledge within themselves. For instance, someone who identifies as being kind has a shadow that is harsh or unkind. Conversely, an individual who is brutal has a kind shadow. The shadow of persons who are convinced that they are ugly appears to be beautiful.
On the constructive side, the shadow may represent hidden positive influences. This has been referred to as "the gold in the shadow." Jung points to the story of Moses and Al-Khidr in the 18th Book of the Koran as an example.
Jung emphasized the importance of being aware of shadow material and incorporating it into conscious awareness, lest one project these attributes on others.
The shadow in dreams is often represented by dark figures of the same gender as the dreamer.
According to Jung the human being deals with the reality of the Shadow in four ways: denial, projection, integration and/or transmutation."
Aenima
"Jung identified the anima as being the unconscious feminine component of men and the animus as the unconscious masculine component in women. However, this is rarely taken as a literal definition: many modern day Jungian practitioners believe that every person has both an anima and an animus. Jung stated that the anima and animus act as guides to the unconscious unified Self, and that forming an awareness and a connection with the anima or animus is one of the most difficult and rewarding steps in psychological growth. Jung reported that he identified his anima as she spoke to him, as an inner voice, unexpectedly one day.
Often, when people ignore the anima or animus complexes, the anima or animus vies for attention by projecting itself on others. This explains, according to Jung, why we are sometimes immediately attracted to certain strangers: we see our anima or animus in them. Love at first sight is an example of anima and animus projection. Moreover, people who strongly identify with their gender role (e.g. a man who acts aggressively and never cries) have not actively recognized or engaged their anima or animus.
Jung attributes human rational thought to be the male nature, while the irrational aspect is considered to be natural female. Consequently, irrationality is the male anima shadow and rationality is the female animus shadow."
So that's my opinion...
Yeah, exactly what I said.....well a couple extra words were added. ;-) I just never felt like typing that much...well put and 100% in agreement.
__________________ "WITHOUT A LITTLE EVIL, GOOD WOULD NEVER EXIST"
All right...I didn't see any posts reffering to Rowland H. though so I put that in there as the main reason for my post. I'm pretty sure that is where the title comes from, as well as his son's middle name.
All right...I didn't see any posts reffering to Rowland H. though so I put that in there as the main reason for my post. I'm pretty sure that is where the title comes from, as well as his son's middle name.
I know, I was stating jokingly that it was what I had said hence "a few extra words". I was complimenting you on going the extra mile to write all the thoughts that were going on in my head but was too lazy to type it all out.
__________________ "WITHOUT A LITTLE EVIL, GOOD WOULD NEVER EXIST"
Maynard could've just said that stuff before they played H. just so he could fuck with your minds, and you would end up listening to H. always thinking that it was about the birth of his child...and them emotions that follows. PRNinja23 is getting somewhere with that whole heroin fact i mean why would maynard write "piss turns to wine'' part if its about Devo?
Well happy thinking........
Think for yourself, dont believe everything your told
+DeadOhio+
This being said, I don't believe anything maynard says because the juxtaposition of what's true/false would drive me crazy. I like the OP's theory much better than the heroin reference. It's closer to the picture in my head when I hear the song.
Isnt it just amazing how an interpretation on HEROIN can sound right.... then something in a totally different realm, like childbirth, can be interpreted from the same set of lyrics... and both are right!
WOW TOOL is more insane than I could ever imagine :-D
but remember... It doesnt matter whats right
TOOL is the best band in the world hands down. My friend tell me that they suck and I just look at them and laughs. It really amusing in a way because they do not see the beauty that TOOL brings to the world and what they stand for.
My interpretation is that the song could connect with the Hesse novella Journey to the East.
The main character, H., asks Leo: “why it was that artists sometimes appeared to be only half-alive, while their creations seemed so irrefutably alive.”
Leo answers: “It is just the same with mothers. When they have borne their children and given them their milk and beauty and strength, they themselves become invisible, no one asks about them anymore.”
This in itself is a metaphor for ego-death. I think this could be what Maynard means when he dedicates the song to his son: that Maynard is giving all his beauty and strength to his son, and also that he gives up himself, his ego, and lets his creations - his music and his child - exist outside of himself, he lets them go.)
(Also, Leo is at one time referred to as being like a snake - and he frequently sings or whistles songs.)
Lots of opinions......but you can not compare childbirth or being a new parent to opiate addiction. Besides, Maynard always does that in concert, he will tell you what a song is about in humor and satire. Anyone that has seen enough live shows knows this....like once before playing Stinkfist he said, "this song is about the slave trade in Afghanistan." The point is that you don't have to be a drug addict to understand the song. If it means something to you and makes you feel, then TOOL has done it's job! They are artists and they teach us not to over think things....live life in the spiral. When you look at a painting and it completely takes you, yet your buddy thinks it sucks, so what. You both interpret things differently. You both may like different things at times. I digress to say this about "my opinion" of the song meaning (without over thinking.) Opiates are a powerful poison, and I strongly warn the ones on here that don't know any better...STAY AWAY...but keep enjoying the music. TOOL is one of the greatest bands ever.
opiates are bad news bears. They literally do find your center, then tear it up and leave leaving your life empty and souless. But I think H. uses heroin as a metaphor for a powerful and controlling force that we all experience in different ways that always seem sto grip us.
Phew, so I literally made a profile just so I could respond to this haha silly me.
I wanted to touch upon the opinion that this was about childbirth as I can actually relate to that and find a strong connection between the two. I just became a new mommy- obviously haha- and this song has always struck a strong chord with me (music humor haha)
So let's begin shall we?
"What's coming through is alive.
What's holding up is a mirror.
But what's singing songs is a snake
Looking to turn this piss to wine."
Ok so those feelings you get when your baby is 2 pushes away from taking his first breath. He's alive, you can feel his energy as he is being squeezed through the canal- and yes my husband said he felt sympathy labor so for dad's this can be a very real feeling as well. Keep in mind the "you" is general. As your child begins to enter this world, when you hear that first squeaky cry and his eyes open and collide with yours you know your life is changed forever. He is no longer that fluttering butterfly in your stomach. He is tangible and real and alive. When you hold him up and stare into those eyes you realize that he is a product of you, the "mirror" image of two souls, combined to make one. You might freak out. You were or are a terrible person, maybe you're an addict of some sorts, or you're broke, or just plain messed up and yet when the little hand grips your finger you hear a whisper in the wind. It tells you that you can change. No longer will you be that piss covered crack addict- or what have you- you will change and metamorphosize into a better person to care for this tiny being. Your whole body was made for him. He was made for you and you for him.
"They're both totally void of hate,
But killing me just the same."
Both could be baby and mom or whatever, I see it as the baby. Completely innocent and new. A baby cannot hate anything. It kills you because maybe you think you are a horrible person and yet this creature has an unconditional love for you regardless of your past mistakes. In my case I thought I was this terrible person I was an alcoholic just like my mother and I gave it up cold turkey during my pregnancy. Now that my son was out of me I thought 'what if I spiral back down into it?' It was killing me to think that I could ever hurt this beautiful baby who was completely void of hate.
"The snake behind me hisses
What my damage could have been.
My blood before me begs me
Open up my heart again."
This verse to me is almost like, the lil devil is whispering in my ear. Telling me I am going to fuck up, that if I allow myself to love this tiny human then in the end I will hurt us both. That if I open up my heart and do anything to let this baby down I will kill myself. That initial worry all parents face "what if I fail my child?".
Meanwhile the innocent in front of me has his arms outstretched, begging me to love him. To hold him close and never let him go and allow him into my being.
"And I feel this coming over like a storm again.
Considerately."
Easy to explain- the storm of emotions a new parent feels. I am exhausted in the hospital watching my new infant sleeping, worrying about all the things new parents worry about. Can I provide for him? Is he warm? Will he love me? Will he die of SIDS or something horrible because I did XYZ during pregnancy? It is a considerate way of thinking.
"Venomous voice, tempts me,
Drains me, bleeds me,
Leaves me cracked and empty.
Drags me down like some sweet gravity."
Now for me personally I was completely sleep deprived, as was my husband. For a month exactly I was constantly watching my son sleep. Worried he would pass away, my head filled with terrible images of me waking to see him cold and lifeless. I felt like a terrible mother, that I couldn't keep myself together. The feelings were depressive and overwhelming and definitely dragged me down to a dark place. But I kept at it knowing I had to do what was best for my son. That I had to break the cycle my mother had passed down to me. I was tempted to just leave my son and run away. I was drained of energy and emotion. I was literally dragging myself to the bathroom to take a leak every few hours, unable to stand. My son was literally draining me of my life. But he didn't and couldn't have known. He needed me he was innocent and loving. His sweet smile was worth every hour I spent rocking and nurturing him.
"The snake behind me hisses
What my damage could have been.
My blood before me begs me
Open up my heart again.
And I feel this coming over like a storm again."
second verse, same as the first haha
"I am too connected to you to
Slip away, to fade away.
Days away I still feel you
Touching me, changing me,
And considerately killing me."
So my son is more than just connected to me. His soul and entire being is entwined with mine. Even days after his birth I still felt his phantom kicks in my belly. Still felt the contractions like he was inside me. After his birth I wanted to change. I wanted to become a better person for my son. The thought of failing him as a mother was killing me. I needed to change to do better by him. To be there for him like my mother wasn't there for me.
"Without the skin,
Beneath the storm,
Under these tears
The walls came down."
This is where the lyric get very emotional for me. When my son reached about 1 month old was when he first started smiling. While sitting with him late at night he reached a tiny hand up to my face to pet my cheek. We were doing skin to skin (it's a breastfeeding thing look it up). Beneath the storm- meaning I was so emotionally drained that I had no more energy to feel any anxiety or stress. I was beneath it. So he touched my cheek and I was crying. And underneath my tears he was smiling and I felt every barrier I had built up to protect me from the worse (him dying, me failing as a mom) just crumble. I was completely in love with this tiny human.
"And the snake is drowned and
As I look in his eyes,
My fear begins to fade
Recalling all of those times."
So the snake that was telling me that I would fail. That was telling me to run away is gone. As I look into my son's smiling eyes I am no longer afraid. I know I can beat my addictions and toss the skeletons from my closet. I know I can change and be the parent my son needs me to be. I recall all the times I made mistakes in my life and I learn from them.
"I could have cried then.
I should have cried then."
I could have cried at the loss of my former self. I should cry because it is a loss of one's being. But at the same time I should cry out of happiness for my future. At who I will become for my son.
"And as the walls come down and
As I look in your eyes
My fear begins to fade
Recalling all of the times
I have died
and will die.
It's all right.
I don't mind."
This is more of a direct quote spoken to the baby. As my protective barrier fell down. My fears of being a horrible parent and of losing you or failing you fade. The old me will die and fade away. I don't mind though because I am being reborn for you my son. I am becoming a better person who you can rely on and look up to.
"I am too connected to you to
Slip away, to fade away.
Days away I still feel you
Touching me, changing me,"
Again, parent and child are one and connected on a much deeper level. Long after birth as the child grows he will continue to touch his parents' hearts and change them for the better. To heal them with his unconditional love.
"And considerately killing me."
and to considerately kill the old version of the parent and make them better. Also the worry will continue to eat away at you no matter what age your baby is haha. I am always killing myself with worry over whether or not he is eating enough, if his poop is the right color/texture, is he learning to crawl/roll over/talk at the proper times.
Parenthood is rough and if you have ever had a baby you would understand this better. My words are a little jumbled so if any part of it confused you let me know and I can elaborate more on that part.