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Old 11-23-2013, 03:21 PM   #1
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MURDER! BY SUICIDE!

Under the influence of 27 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches I left my apartment. The jelly levels in my blood were way above that of any normal man and as I left I thought 'why does the sky bleed like that I’ve never seen it do that before', but I shrugged it off and continued my walk to the store. When I got there the man behind the counter offered me a wide selection of frozen popsicles. However I wasn’t in the mood for popsicles instead I grabbed a can of royal crown cola, I had never had royal crown cola before and I thought to myself 'well why not?' I left the store after paying for the soft drink and made my way to the park, where I opened and then drank my royal crown cola under the peach tree. A squirrel hopped up next to me on the bench I was sitting on and the squirrel said "boy isn’t it a nice day?" I gasped in shock and awe at the severed head it was holding in its hands and as I gazed into the bottomless pit that appeared before me. I thought 'why don’t they make bacon flavored sour keys?' but I shrugged it off as the abyss engulfed me after several hours of falling through the abyss I found myself in Branson Missouri the dinner theater capital of the world and immediately made my way to Nebraska to sit on the world’s largest porch swing after sitting for about 3 days I promptly died of exposure...
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Old 11-24-2013, 04:53 AM   #2
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Re: MURDER! BY SUICIDE!

once i died. i uhhh realized that i was reborn. reborn into a new world. a world of vibrant sensations. new sensations. sensations that i have never felt before. before this. this new world. my heart and mind melted, it was fucking itits. i wasn't hungry or horny, i just felt...the universe open up before my eyessssssss,,,
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Last edited by lotus.; 11-24-2013 at 04:55 AM..
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Old 11-24-2013, 05:01 AM   #3
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Re: MURDER! BY SUICIDE!

or so I thought I awoke several hours later and began vomiting cherry Kool-Aid which perplexed me as I didn’t remember drinking cherry Kool-Aid and I also wondered why it tasted like blood after a few minutes of vomiting I felt a bit light headed and decided to go to the beach when I got there a hermit crab ate my shoe but it was just my luck as the beach front shoe store had just opened for business I went inside to ask about a new pair of shoes the shoe sales man challenged me to a dual pistols at dawn sadly I had a previous engagement I paid for my new pair of Birkenstocks and made my way back to my car on the way to my car I found a chicken it was playing the banjo and singing and I thought to myself I wonder if he knows how to play rocket man just then a giant squid attacked me I fought for my life but sadly the squid was too powerful and it dragged me down to my watery grave after waiting about 6 hours to drown my legs started cramping so I decided to go for a walk I walked in a south east direction until I came to a sunken pirate ship and as I approached it I couldn’t help but feel like I was being watched I turned around to find chuck Norris masturbating I said hi chuck and he waved and that’s how we met me and chuck Norris we have been living happily for these last 15 years in Utah chuck runs his own dojo these days oh he still does movies and for an elderly man he is quite the lover we've raised 6 kids and eaten 37 yes life is pretty sweet these days I don’t think there was a better time in my life
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Old 11-26-2013, 02:00 AM   #4
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Re: MURDER! BY SUICIDE!

except that one time when I was in Alaska oh I should start at the beginning shouldn’t I the year was 1841 and I was a wealthy Irish man at the time living in Glasgow one day I decided to go for a walk when all of the sudden the English invaded I was taken prisoner and shipped off to Australia when I arrived I was greeted by a koala which ate my entire face I cried in agony as it tore the flesh from my skull eventually I managed to set it on fire using 2 sticks and a can of gasoline and escaped into the wilderness I spent the next 89 years wandering aimlessly until I came upon a lemonade stand I approached the stand to find the very same koala that ate my face off it and I asked how much a glass of lemonade was the koala replied by clawing at my skull eventually I was decapitated but I never let little things like that get me down and after I drank my lemonade I continued walking north until I came to the ocean crafting a canoe from dried kangaroo carcass and my left leg which I sawed off with a butter knife I set out to sea and after dyeing of scurvy 3 times I finally made it to Alaska once there I met a young Mexican man whose only goal in life was to be a French stripper he was immediately eaten by a polar bear and I made my way into town only to find that the princess was kidnapped by a dragon and as I set out on my greatest journey ever I couldn’t help but think about how much I loved waffles and as I made my way to the dragons lair I could smell the rotting flesh of the bodies of 10,000 Celine Dion fans and without hesitation I entered the cave only to find the dragon dead I immediately called the police who determined it was a drug overdose with the case wrapped up I hung up my gun and badge and made my way home when all of a sudden the loch ness monster ate me I spent the next 3 years in the confines of its stomach slowly digesting and that’s when it hit me like a brick to the face it was a 2X4 and as I stumbled to regain my composure I saw that I was no longer alone in the confines of the loch ness monsters stomach I saw what looked like a rodeo clown doing a handstand but I realized that was silly as the rodeo wasn’t until next week my vision was still a bit blurry after that 2X4 but after several moments it cleared up and I realized it was just a regular clown doing a handstand I approached him and asked him to make me a balloon animal he said ok and proceeded to craft me a giraffe I gazed at the balloon giraffe in disappointment I really wanted a balloon dog but when life gives you lemons you make lemonade or at least some sort of lemon related food/drink so I set up a lemon pie stand meanwhile in Tampa bay Florida a masked man known only as the masked man was masking it up around town putting masking tape on everything he could get his masked man hands on It was too bad for him that the police had been tipped off to his masked masking tape misadventures and were informed to shoot on sight just as he was finishing taping a park bench a UFO abducted him the aliens removed his mask only to find it was Bob Saget and they promptly ejected him into space knowing that they could learn nothing from him eventually his body burnt up in the earth’s atmosphere the radioactive fallout from his body killed over half of earth’s population I however was one of the lucky few people that was sheltered from the radiation due to the loch ness monsters stomach lining however Nessy was not so lucky the radiation had turned loch ness into a giant boiling pot and Nessy was cooked alive after a few hours we heard the sounds of hungry Scottish people and knew our escape was near they had come for the delicious haggis we could hear them eating the flesh off of Nessy eventually a small hole appeared and I reached my hand through and clawed my way out the first thing I did when I got out was enter a hot dog eating contest I won the contest eating a grand total of 305 hotdogs however I was still hungry and made my way to Canada to eat poutine when I arrived in Canada I was surprised to find they were fresh out of poutine and I become very depressed and killed myself with a spoon and several chainsaws
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Old 11-26-2013, 04:00 AM   #5
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Re: MURDER! BY SUICIDE!

Now that's some Chemhead Dentistry
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Old 11-26-2013, 05:11 PM   #6
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Re: MURDER! BY SUICIDE!

however death was the least of my worries as I remembered I left the stove on back at my apartment I picked up the pieces of my slaughtered body and reassembled myself using a shoe lace I had in my pocket from earlier and made my way back when I got to my apartment or what was left of it as it was on fire I realized my shoe was untied I bent over to tie it when all of a sudden I was run over by a city bus as I was dragged for the next 27 miles I had plenty of time to think under that bus at first I thought about the negative effects of being run over by a bus such as blood loss and the cost of reconstructive surgery but those thoughts passed into darkness as my consciousness faded due to the blood loss caused by the bus running over me and I soon found myself sleepy luckily for me I was dislodged from under the bus in front of a Howard Johnson hotel and made my way inside to check in when I opened the door the bellhop greeted me with a smile I made my way to the front desk and asked to book a room for the night the manager said there was only 1 room left room number 45 I said that would be fine and made my way up to rest for the night I slid the key in the lock to room number 45 and opened the door but there was no room inside all there was some sort of portal a vortex in space and time if I had known what would happen next I would have just found a nice park bench to sleep on but I was already tired from the massive loss of blood and decided to try and find the bed inside the vortex so I stepped inside I’m not exactly sure what happened next but I woke up on top of what seemed to be a plate of spaghetti upon closer examination it was actually angel hair pasta I stood up and looked around at the faces of the people whose dinner I had landed on and began to introduce myself as it turned out they were having a dinner party and I had just landed on the guest of honors meal the guest of honor being a man by the name of Pete O'Hoolihan today was his 57th birthday I apologized for causing such an inconvenience to Pete and the rest of the dinner party guests and showed myself out embarrassed and not knowing exactly where I was I wandered in confusion down the street until I came to a street sign it read 33rd and wimbelton however I still had no idea where I was and decided to walk up wimbelton until I found a payphone after walking for some time I heard a strange noise it sounded like zombies but I wasn’t quite sure it was zombies and I still had no idea of where I was so I continued up the street until I saw what looked like zombies eating the flesh off a dead walrus carcass how that walrus got there I will never know but that’s not important right now what is important right now is the possible zombies that were eating the unimportant walrus carcass I still wasn’t sure if they were zombies so I decided to ask them if they were as I approached the putrid smell of the walrus carcass was too much to bare and I began coughing which made the possible zombies turn to look at me their faces were rotting and walrus blood was dripping down their mouths and I saw a hunger in their eyes and they began to walk towards me I tried introducing myself to them but they didn’t respond one of them lunged at me and I decided it was a good time to leave and I ran back down the street I could hear their footsteps behind me at this point I was fairly sure they were zombies off in the distance I could see a grocery store and I thought that would be a good place to go as I really wanted a candy bar I ran and ran and then I ran some more and then I was a bit tired so I took a little break and then I started running again finally I made it to the grocery store but to my disappointment they closed at 9:00pm and it was well past 10:00 at least that’s what my watch said anyways as I tried to catch my breath I saw the possible zombies down the street still following me and I decided it would probably be best if I found some place to hide I looked around the only thing I could see was a bush and I hopped into it after waiting for a few minutes I peeked out my head to see if they were gone I couldn’t see them anywhere and began to slowly emerge from the bush when I was attacked by a leprechaun who claimed it was his bush after apologizing profusely for the misuse of his bush he introduced himself he said his name was blimey I asked him about the possible zombies and he explained that they were just Britney Spears fans and with a sigh of relief I said good bye to blimey and walked out into the open I was immediately eaten by what turned out to be actual zombies and not Britney Spears fans and as I was being eaten I shouted damn you Blimey you little limey bastard apparently Blimey was more upset about the bush than he let on I spent the next few years wandering the earth looking for people to eat eventually I landed a record deal and moved out to los angles
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Old 11-26-2013, 05:11 PM   #7
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Re: MURDER! BY SUICIDE!

and that’s when I woke up apparently it was all a dream I was back in my apartment I got up and made coffee after drinking my coffee I went outside it was a beautiful sunny day out the kind of day that you just know nothing bad is going to happen and I walked to the store I decided to buy a pack of planters peanuts I’m not one for peanuts but with the strange dreams I was having I found them comforting I then made my way to the park I felt a strange sense of happiness and continued my walk after a few minutes I heard a strange chattering sound behind me I turned around to find squirrels lots of squirrels and I thought they must be hungry so I gave them the rest of my peanuts and began to walk away when suddenly one of the squirrels hopped up onto my shoulder and proceeded to bite my ear I cried in agony as its razor sharp teeth gnawed my ear off I immediately fell to the floor that’s when the rest of them attacked the squirrels tore me limb from limb and I thought is this really it? is this how it ends and I gazed down at my limbless body I saw one last squirrel it hopped up onto my shoulder and began eating the flesh off my neck and there I was conscious the entire time screaming until my vocal cords were gone eventually it gnawed off my head and with my head in its mouth the squirrel hopped over to the park bench by the peach tree off in the distance
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Old 11-27-2013, 06:48 AM   #8
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Re: MURDER! BY SUICIDE!

death! by paragraphs!
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Old 11-27-2013, 04:38 PM   #9
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Re: MURDER! BY SUICIDE!

however I still wasn’t dead and as the squirrel hopped up onto the bench I saw myself sitting there looking at my own severed head in shock and awe what little blood I had left in my skull slowly dripped out and things became blurry beneath me the ground cracked open engulfing me I once again fell through the abyss this time I found myself in Idaho the potato capital of the world I spent the next year as a disembodied head on the lawn of a mister Philmore Humpeldink until a kindly old lady picked me up apparently confusing me with the melon she dropped while on her way home from the store sadly the melon was never seen again she brought me back to her place and was about to carve me up into a delicious healthy snack when all of a sudden ninjas attacked the ensuing battle left me quite parched and I made my way to the fridge to get a glass or orange juice when I opened the fridge a wormhole appeared and I was sucked into a parallel universe not knowing what to do or how to get back I made the best of things and started a small greeting card company and it was around this time that I met a man by the name of Pedro Montelbom I was at home when I heard a knock on my door as it turned out he was a door to door salesman selling a wide variety of novelty items one that caught my eye was a small pocket knife with a built in shaving cream dispenser however I being a severed head had no hands to grasp such a device thus rendering it obsolete for me the next item he showed me was a waffle iron that also functioned as a time space displacement device and a fishing rod I decided to purchase the waffle iron in the hopes that it would bring me back to my universe sadly it did not after using the waffle iron I found myself floating in space over the years I came to realize the problem was that when you time travel you stay in the same place however since everything in the universe is constantly moving you don’t wind up where you want to eventually my frozen severed head crash landed on an alien planet my head was destroyed on impact and that was the end of me
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Old 11-29-2013, 08:59 PM   #10
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Re: MURDER! BY SUICIDE!

sooooooo,,,,,,,
i relinquished my banana shaped spaceship
stripped off all of the fire proof gear that i had on
all of a sudden
over the speakers there was a faint voice...
"hard on, hard on, hard on"...
wtf!! i said to myself
and on and on and on...ugh LOL
sipping on a home brew i looked up at the sky
it was freaking starry!!
the air was clear, but cold
very cold
it didn't matter
the only thing that mattered was
life
humanity
sanity
anything but death
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Old 11-30-2013, 01:31 AM   #11
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Re: MURDER! BY SUICIDE!

That's what I told myself at least, but the moments came when Death brought it's heavy hand and gripped the entirety of my mind. I fell to the floor weeping, yet I couldn't feel whether my tears were of happiness or despair. Life melted into death and death erupted into life; the dichotomy stretched me in the middle and eventually split my mind in two. I had a double sided head, a wide face of comedy and a long face of tragedy, and every thought became a reflection that twisted my face around. I bit my tongue every minute to test if I was alive, and every word I spoke splattered the blood of my frail spirit into the eyes of the nay-sayers.
They batted their eyes in disbelief at the blasphemies that I had slurred and in a slow slow unison, they choked me until death. Consciousness escaped me and I floated softly into space.
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Old 11-30-2013, 01:52 AM   #12
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Re: MURDER! BY SUICIDE!

Being birthed was a real terror, as the world immediately slapped me on my ass, but the warm embrace back into the arms of my originator was the first moment of eternal bliss. The days battered and bruised me as I stumbled back up the hill, but my true joy was tumbling back down into the pits of filth and soaking in the mud. I'd dance in circles and wrestle myself every time I vacationed with sin. A seven day cruise of madness and blasphemy and I was the madhatted captain sailing us straight towards the endless horizons until I found an island of eternal mirage. I'd set up my beach chair with beer and bare feet and drink the remainder of my days away, then I'd bury my head in a hole of wet sand and dangle my feet off the bottom of the earth. Then forevermore, the earth would be my head.
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Old 11-30-2013, 02:55 AM   #13
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Re: MURDER! BY SUICIDE!

or so you would think I got up and dusted myself off and made my way to the bus stop it was 9:35 and bus schedule said the next bus didn't come until 9:42 so I sat down next to a homeless man to wait I glanced at him and began to wonder how he came to be in such a predicament so we got to talking "Do you got any change?" he said but I had only enough for the bus he said it was ok and began drinking a bottle of what I think was rum out of a paper bag I had always wondered why homeless people were homeless so I decided to ask him what lead him to this place in his life and he told me that he needed to go to the Laundromat then he screamed DEMON BABYS and poured gasoline on himself then he lit a match and his body was consumed by the flames now I’m not a doctor but that seemed pretty od to me and I began to think that maybe just maybe I could roast marshmallows on him sadly however I had no marshmallows and my bus just pulled up so I made my way onto the bus which smelt of urine and sat down on the only seat that didn't have gum on it and looked out the window and that's when I heard a familiar voice behind me I turned to look and as it turned out it was an old friend of mine by the name of Lance McCallister I hadn't seen him since high school so I made my way over to where he was sitting however just as I got up the bus made an abrupt stop and I went flying right into lance now I was fine but lance was doing the crossword puzzle at the time and when I crashed into him his pen impaled his jugular and he died without ever knowing the answer to 4 across (it was chicken wings by the way) distraught over the loss of one of my friends I pulled the little string thing on the bus that tells the bus driver to stop and waited for the next stop when we arrived I walked out into the cold and thought my day just couldn't get any worse and that's when it started raining I was still several blocks from my house and I had no umbrella so I decided to make a run for it I got about half way down the street before I had a massive foot cramp I collapsed in front of a hot dog stand the kind elderly man that worked there nursed me back to health on a steady diet of relish and diced onions after about 3 weeks I felt my strength return and I made my way back to my apartment but to my dismay It turned out I forgot my keys back at the office so I made my way back to the bus stop I arrived just as the bus pulled up and just as I stepped on to the bus the door closed crushing my tibia "WHY GOD WHY!" I screamed in anguish as the bus pulled away dragging me with it apparently the bus driver didn't notice my bloody leg lodged between the door or my screams however my pain was short lived as my body smacked into a parked car dislodging me from the bus doors and knocking me unconscious I awoke several hours later in the hospital apparently someone had noticed my bloody legless body lying in the street the doctor said that he might be able to reattach the leg if it turned up in the bus company's lost and found sadly it did not I can only speculate what happened to my leg sometimes I think maybe it found someone that appreciates what a great leg it is and I hope that sometimes it thinks of all the great times we had together and maybe one day it'll give me a call and it'll come back to me as the years went by I learned to live without my leg and things were ok the doctors fashioned me a new artificial leg made from space aged materials and I found work as a cashier at a local thrift store it was there I met a girl by the name of Sara Rutherford and I didn't know it at the time but she would become the love of my life one day after work I asked Sara if she would like to come to a pot luck dinner with me and she agreed things were going well but I had a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach something I just couldn't shake off I decided not to let it ruin the date and got up to fetch Sara a plate of lasagna just as I got back to our table a massive explosion rocked the buildings foundation the building collapsed around us killing 13 people I was fine but the lasagna wasn't it wound up all over Sara’s brand new dress infuriated Sara got up and slapped me in the face and walked out and I was left there wondering who could have done such a thing it was then I noticed the stench of old socks and athletes foot I turned around to see my leg standing there with a rocket launcher and 7 ninjas and I knew then it was time for the final battle my old ninja master told me I would never truly be a ninja until I faced myself "MASTER ROSHI! I WILL NOT FAIL YOU!" I screamed it was at that point I realized my shoe was untied and as I bent to tie it I was decapitated by one of my legs ninja henchmen it was then I remembered that I didn't leave my keys at the office I had left them in my other pants which I had dropped off at the dry cleaners so I made my way over there when I arrived I realized I had forgotten my dry cleaning stub but it was ok as my keys had fallen out when he was cleaning my pants and he put them in the lost and found I thanked him and made my way back to my apartment when I got there I felt a bit peckish and decided to make a sandwich but when I opened my fridge door the most horrible thing you could possibly imagine happened I was out of bread I broke into tears immediately and cried in the fetal position for the next 6 hours until I realized I had a can of ravioli in my cupboard I sprang to my drawer to get my can opener and that's when my pet cat Mr. Buttons attacked me "NO MR.BUTTONS!" I screamed as he gouged one of my eyes out with a fork somehow I managed to wrestle away the fork and threw Mr. Buttons into the microwave I set it on high for 5 minutes and that's how I came up with my recipe for cat lasagna
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Old 12-05-2013, 07:06 AM   #14
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Re: MURDER! BY SUICIDE!

it occurred to me then that I had a hankering for some pretzels so I made my way to the store it was quite cold out and the snow covered the ground my journey for the most part was quite uneventful I crossed under the bridge which is something I would advise against because of the troll that lives under it luckily I had remembered to wear my troll protecting underwear that day and he seemed to leave me alone so I continued my walk to the store until I came to a small grassy hill which I immediately began descending however to my surprise the snow had made the hill quite slippery and my body was sent flying down the hill I landed on the pavement managing to pick myself up just as a passing mac truck ran into me the force of the truck sent me flying into a nearby fire hydrant which knocked me unconscious and as I lay there for the next several hours I dreamt a very strange dream I dreamt I was on the subway and things seemed to be normal when all of the sudden a man wearing a red and purple wind breaker got up from his seat and began saying "I'm a Singapore movie star" over and over he also claimed to speak 5 languages, I tried my best to ignore him and that's when I heard my stop being called so I made my way to the doors and just as they opened, my eyes opened things were a bit blurry after a few moments I could make out the snow falling under the light of the lamp post my head hurt and as I got up I saw blood on the fire hydrant I hit it occurred to me then that I might have a concussion however I had no time for a concussion so I dusted myself off and made my way to the store when I got there I opened the door and made my way to the chip isle I looked around for some pretzels lucky for me there was only 1 bag left so I grabbed the bag of pretzels and made my way to the cash register when I got to the register I was surprised to see a chicken behind it however my concussion and hunger were starting to get the better of me and I decided not to question why there was a chicken behind the counter and instead just simply asked "how much for the pretzels?" to which the chicken replied "buck!" so I removed a dollar from my wallet and placed it on the counter and made my way back home this time avoiding the grassy hill which I fell down only moments before eventually I came to the bridge again and as I began to walk under it the troll lunged at me I didn't know it at the time but apparently my troll protecting underwear had been torn during the whole hill fiasco and was no longer effective, scared I made a run for it I had gotten about half way across when I tripped on a rotting half eaten goat carcass and fell face first into a steaming pile of troll shit I pulled my face out of the troll shit and turned around just as the troll brought his club up high above his head he was about to bring it crashing down onto me when the 9:46 train from Cleveland to Chicago ran into the troll killing him instantly with a sigh of relief I continued my journey back to my house the first thing I did was have a shower then I settled into my favorite chair and enjoyed my pretzels along with a can of sprite and drifted off to sleep... 2:49am that’s what the clock said when I opened my eyes my whole body felt numb and my stomach hurt I felt like vomiting I tried to get up but I couldn’t seem to make my muscles move I heard a clicking sound to my right and turned my head to see what it was things were a bit blurry I was still half-asleep and it was pretty dark it sort of looked like a balloon or maybe an owl I couldn’t make it out but I knew there was something in the room with me and I began to panic my brain sent a jolt of adrenaline into my nervous system and I jumped up shouting like a mental patient at the intruder but the clicking continued I moved my hand slowly over to the lamp and turned it on and to my surprise it was just sasquatch playing with one of those paddles that has the little ball attached he apologized for waking me and I said “that’s ok, now that I’m up do you want to get something to eat?” to which sasquatch replied “of course” so we proceeded to make bacon pancakes (they are like normal pancakes only they have bacon in them) just as we were done cooking them I heard a knock at the door and went to see who it was I opened the door to find a small child in a basket with a note attached I picked up the note and it read “this baby will self-destruct in 5 seconds” acting on instinct I picked up the child and threw it as far as I could Tom Brady caught it and ran towards the end zone he was at the 10 yard line when he was tackled by Tim Tebow the baby flew out of tom’s hands and was caught by a lucky fan sitting in the third row who triumphantly held it up for all to see and that’s when it exploded killing 29 people and injuring 13 others including Pat Patriot the mascot for the new England patriots I then returned to the kitchen but sadly sasquatch had eaten all the bacon pancakes and I was forced to eat a bowl of all bran cereal the cereal was bland the all-bran buds grinded upon my teeth and each passing moment I felt like vomiting it seemed like years passed with each bite every moment was agony pure and bitter agony my heart cried out in pain and I shed a single tear a single tear that fell upon my spoon and in that single tear I saw my reflection and I saw the pain and the agony and the suffering and the bitterness in my eyes and I realized why old people are so grumpy I threw the cereal at the wall it immediately began eating through the wall (it appeared that all bran is acidic) and as I looked at the wall disintegrate I couldn’t help but think of that Salvador Dali painting with the clocks melting I looked over at sasquatch who in turn looked at me and then the wall and back at me again and he said to me “I told you that milk was bad” and I just stared at him as he took the last bite of the last pancake and that’s when something snapped in my mind I felt a blind rage come over me and I blacked out when I came to my hands were covered in blood and I was standing over sasquatch or what was left of him and I realized what I had done and I felt panic then, my mind raced to comprehend what had just happened unable to grasp the reality of the situation. I ran out of my house and into the woods into the darkness, my hands covered in blood that looked pale and silver in the moon light and I cried out “WHY GOD! WHY!” and that’s when I was abducted by aliens they brought me aboard their UFO and proceeded to preform strange medical procedures on me I don’t know how long I was in there it seemed like hours eventually I passed out from the pain when I awoke I was in the middle of a corn field completely naked covered in some sort of goo I slowly stood up and walked into the field eventually I came to a gravel road and I could see a farm up ahead and I walked towards, it every bone in my body ached I walked up the steps to the porch and knocked on the door I heard a clatter inside and then the door opened an elderly man answered the door he was wearing a flannel shirt and overalls and he took one look at me and said “them aliens got you didn’t they? Well come on in I’ll get you some pants” the inside of his farm house smelt like cheap cigarettes there was a single rocking chair in the corner of the living room next to a painting of a man riding a horse “Nice place you got here.” I said to which he replied “Well it’s not much but it keeps me warm. You know you are the 15th person to be dropped off in my corn field this month, damn aliens are ruining my crops I dunno what to do people keep showing up at my door naked I’m runnin out of pants, now you have a seat in that rocking chair over there and I’ll be right back.” He walked out of the room and I walked over to the rocking chair and sat down it was oddly comforting and reminded me of the rocking chair my parents had when I was a child the elderly man returned with a pair of pants and a flannel shirt in his hand and handed them to me and I got dressed and was immediately ripped apart by a pack of wolves. They tore my arms and legs off and I was left as a torso man it was the most excruciating experience of my life (besides my divorce) the doctors eventually managed to graft new arms and legs on to me but it just wasn’t the same my golf swing was all messed up I knew If I could only find my arms and legs again I could score 3 under par on the 16th hole
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