i wrote this for a girl who is going through a tough time with a dude she's been with for almost too long. she's with him right now due to the connection, but he is being an asshole and shit. i wanna know if this poem should be dedicated to her. just keep in mind that he is playing mind games with her, has cheated, and does whatever the fuck he wants to. she's stuck in a dilemma basically, stinkfist is a good song for her right now lol....
The Unfulfilled Promise.
she's sitting alone somewhere.
her mind is bringing her to what has been, and the present.
its pushing and pulling at her, as she weeps for anothermemory to add to her burdens.
Gifts given in pure happiness deludes, and suffocates her now like a plague.
She's trapped, and i all can do is drop the cliche that came from my best advice.
She's crying "yes you are lovely, but you slice right through me with your words of anger, sympathy, vileness, and compassion. I chose you once again to catch me from the things that shot me down, but your words dont sem to be convincing; i feel that i'm better off falling without you."
She's sitting at the bottom once again.
the quality of the poem doesnt really concern me, she's not all that deep into writing; sort of shallow. but if there are some suggestions please let me know and dont be scared to be the biggest prick in the world. i've alwayz wanted to write something for her.
I like it. Needs a few tiny adjustments in grammar if you care about that, but otherwise I wouldn't change a thing. She might not like being exposed so clearly, but it might help her, too.
__________________ Chornyi-
This body, this body holding me, feeling eternal
All this pain is an illusion.
http://www.angelfire.com/psy/meerkat/
RISHLOO- http://www.rishloo.com
*Adopted by peachyyy- my new mom!!!*
Heh, then I wouldn't worry about the grammar. I think she will like it.
__________________ Chornyi-
This body, this body holding me, feeling eternal
All this pain is an illusion.
http://www.angelfire.com/psy/meerkat/
RISHLOO- http://www.rishloo.com
*Adopted by peachyyy- my new mom!!!*
sounds good and all, but when i got to the end, i felt like it should keep going,
but maybe that's the tv effect, where i want it all wrapped up nicely by the end.
just a thought, write an ending that would be happy for all? you know her better than i, like i said, just a thought...
stinkfist is a good song for her right now lol....
Hell yeah......
My question to you would be, what is your intention with this letter? IE just to make her feel better or say like are you intrested in this person? Being that she is in a delicate situation it all depends on your intentions......
I do like what you wrote and that is a difficult part of life....it sounds like a long relationship..but probably one of her first long relationships....wich is primarily found as a self discovery period....now she needs to just find herself and embrace life..........
just my two cents........
__________________ I've done the the math enough to know the dangers of a second guessing
Doomed to crumble unless we grow, and strengthen our communication
going through a tough time with a dude she's been with for almost too long. she's with him right now due to the connection, but he is being an asshole and shit.
He's being an asshole and shit? wow, that's almost as profound as your writing.
Quote:
Originally Posted by (-)Phosphorescence(-)
and i all can do is drop the cliche that came from my best advice.
you must have listened to the package before. Does that even mean anything? "and i all can do?" What the hell does that mean? What cliche are you talking about? what advice? Honestly this is filler isn't it?
school slut, i remember you saying to show, and not to tell. atrophied i like your thoughts-
"wich is primarily found as a self discovery period....now she needs to just find herself and embrace life.........."
sounds like you know alot about helping others.
and agent, i think you're right... i hate making endings, very hard for me.
i'll remember to do this though.
__________________ "Even a plastic bag has the potential to fly."
- D. Zurick
