opin.menu.members.jpgopin.menu.forumfaq.jpgopin.menu.search.jpgopin.menu.home.jpgview our wiki

Go Back  The Tool Page: Opinion » Creativity » Poetry & Prose
User Name
Password
Reply
Old 01-27-2004, 03:22 PM   #1
Level 4 - Thinker
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Where do I live?
Posts: 41
Bincount™: 2
Crimson Path

I wrote this for my girlfriend...I would really appreciate some feedback. Positive or negative.

Ahead of us lies a path.
A path of deep red color.
This path is what we make of it.
I know it will be great.

I know this path will be great.
Because I will walk it,
Hand in hand,
With you.

This path is a deep and passionate crimson,
With roses scattered along the way.
No need to worry about the painful thorns.
For they are no more.

So let us make this path be wonderful.
I know it will be.
I walk this path with the one I love.
I walk this path with you.


So, any thoughts?
__________________
It's not enough watching me bleed...
OFFLINE |   Reply With Quote
Old 01-27-2004, 04:03 PM   #2
Banned.
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: beyond you.
Posts: 564
Bincount™: 38
Re: Crimson Path

As a love letter, it's great.

As a poem, it's pretty cliche. I would find metaphors other than paths and roses, something more unique, and use them to relay the same message.



(butmaybethatsjustme)
OFFLINE |   Reply With Quote
Old 06-11-2008, 03:35 PM   #3
dxs
Level 9 - Obstreperous
 
dxs's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: a warm place
Posts: 1,360
Bincount™: 94
Re: Crimson Path

I know this is a dead thread, but yeah, as a love letter, it's pretty good.

I like how it flows...really.
You don't complicate the song in any way, and yet, it's nice.
OFFLINE |   Reply With Quote
Old 06-13-2008, 09:10 AM   #4
Level 9 - Obstreperous
 
infinitee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where infinity converged
Posts: 1,311
Bincount™: 1385
Re: Crimson Path

good, but i agree with pushthis, it is cliched, but it is good.
__________________
"You are, and shall be, set in obsidian obelisk.
Those scars, these memories, will see you through"
OFFLINE |   Reply With Quote


Reply

Rate This Thread
You have already rated this thread
« Previous Thread | Next Thread »

Quick Reply
Your Reply:
Forum Jump

all posts © their respective authors. the tool page is not responsible for any of their thoughts, brilliant or otherwise.