Writing words that may just be wisdom,
To isolate myself from the illusion, just for a little while,
And to organize my mind into a yard, a huge metaphorical pile;
I know that this is where you may find me.
It's not the texture of my skin that seems so pale,
The lack of oxegen mixed with nicotine aren't the pathways.
The jagged walls of the cave I've stepped foot in,
This was my pool of my endless poetry.
If I pass you by, you won't know anything but my name,
A name so cleverly weaved into my flesh and bones for identity.
If you were to stare into my eyes, I would close them to blind you.
I would rip through your skin, and dig deep enough to find you.
When it's all over, I know that this is where you may find me...
Writing words that may just be wisdom,
To isolate myself from the illusion
Who are you, Maynard?
Quote:
Originally Posted by x7 Lateralus 7x
And to organize my mind into a yard, a huge metaphorical pile;
I know that this is where you may find me.
"huge metaphorical pile"? Are you fucking serious? Can you really not think of a more interesting way to describe this? How about you actually use some sort of metaphor here instead of showing that you're incapable of thinking of one?
Quote:
Originally Posted by x7 Lateralus 7x
It's not the texture of my skin that seems so pale
What the hell does this mean?
Quote:
Originally Posted by x7 Lateralus 7x
The lack of oxegen mixed with nicotine aren't the pathways.
What the hell does this mean?
Quote:
Originally Posted by x7 Lateralus 7x
.
If you were to stare into my eyes, I would close them to blind you.
How would you closinig your eyes blind them? What?
Quote:
Originally Posted by x7 Lateralus 7x
I would rip through your skin, and dig deep enough to find you.
When it's all over, I know that this is where you may find me...
Here's something that I actually think is somewhat interesting. Telling someone that they might find you in their skin. At least, that's what you appear to be saying, and it's definitely the highlight of this piece.
Learn to read better? I read fine. I think you need to learn to write better.
Quote:
Originally Posted by x7 Lateralus 7x
MrMcpheez; I'm not explaining this one.
Probably because you can't. You're probably afraid to face the fact that it's crap, so you're just ignoring the negative comments I left and thanking those who left positive comments.
How about you try and actually consider the fact that your poem might just suck total ass? As an artist, that's a possibility to need to be more open to. You need to be able to consider and respond to criticism. You're just ignoring the comments I made and the suggestions within them so that you can go on thinking you're a good writer, instead of dealing with the fact that your writing leaves much to be desired and could be much improved.
Learn to read better? I read fine. I think you need to learn to write better.
A lot of your constructive criticism stems from "wtf" and "what the hell?". At least, that's a good majority of them. So, how is one supposed to fix a poem thats ripped to shreds without any attempt at helping the writer?
__________________ God was a woman because clits exist. All the fun. No cleanup.
Your comments and suggestions are far too negative, and the criticism is immature.
YOU are a bad reader, take time if this subject really matters and READ it, really read it; When i say this I'm not telling you to skim over it for mistakes, read the damn thing and put yourself in the world if you can even imagine it.
I don't know if you're in a bad mood right now, but cut it out, and sorry if you are but don't bring your shit here unless it's to better something and only to better something.
An artist is someone who creates a picture by the way, you obviously can't create this picture. Everything that you have posted is a complete example of how you lack the social skills to better a piece of art.
So MrMcPheeze, I do not need to write better when it's you who can only see the word "metaphor" instead of the actual metaphors. I'd rather listen to Secondary School Slut than to hear the pathetic sentences you call suggestions.
A lot of your constructive criticism stems from "wtf" and "what the hell?". At least, that's a good majority of them. So, how is one supposed to fix a poem thats ripped to shreds without any attempt at helping the writer?
I have no responsibility to help this writer improve their work. I've pointed out things that need to be fixed. Parts that are unclear. Parts that don't seem to serve a purpose within the poem. It's now his job to either explain these parts or to change them. Or to ignore them, as he's been doing.
Your comments and suggestions are far too negative, and the criticism is immature.
If you can't see past the tone of my post and realize the points I made/questions I asked, then it is you who needs to learn to read better.
Quote:
Originally Posted by x7 Lateralus 7x
YOU are a bad reader, take time if this subject really matters and READ it, really read it; When i say this I'm not telling you to skim over it for mistakes, read the damn thing and put yourself in the world if you can even imagine it.
I read it. I didn't skim it looking for mistakes, they fucking jumped out at me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by x7 Lateralus 7x
I don't know if you're in a bad mood right now, but cut it out, and sorry if you are but don't bring your shit here unless it's to better something and only to better something.
I'm in a fine mood, your poem is just terrible, and I felt the need to point that out. If someone pointing out negative aspects to something you've written doesn't help you write better, then you should stop writing altogether.
Quote:
Originally Posted by x7 Lateralus 7x
An artist is someone who creates a picture by the way, you obviously can't create this picture. Everything that you have posted is a complete example of how you lack the social skills to better a piece of art.
You obviously don't know me at all.
What I've learned through our interaction is that you lack the ability to consider that your art might have negative aspects to it. If I'm so wrong, and this really is a good poem, and the points I made are not valid, then fucking say that and support it. Fucking explain the parts of your poem that I pointed out as incomprehendable. Goddamn support your writing when it gets criticized. Don't just sit there and say that it's good and I'm wrong. Explain why the hell you feel that way. Otherwise, it comes across as though you don't know anything about writing, and you just like thinking you're good at it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by x7 Lateralus 7x
So MrMcPheeze, I do not need to write better when it's you who can only see the word "metaphor" instead of the actual metaphors.
When I write I am not apart of anything physical, nothing realistic but at the same time it could be decoded into reality; this is my style and I explain it in this poem.
And when I wrote this, I thought about the many things someone could be thinking about. Not the common subjects of love, or hate, but certain things that may not seem too "normal" - at the same time it makes sense to that one individual.
I talked about what it would be like to look someone in their eyes and see the things they would never speak or emote in real life.
"Writing words that may just be wisdom,
To isolate myself from the illusion, just for a little while,
And to organize my mind into a yard, a huge metaphorical pile;
I know that this is where you may find me."
If it were possible, everyone would know me in this new way. They would know how and where I keep my thoughts, symbols, and specific details into memory.
"It's not the texture of my skin that seems so pale,
The lack of oxegen mixed with nicotine aren't the pathways.
The jagged walls of the cave I've stepped foot in,
This was my pool of my endless poetry."
I mispelled oxygen by the way. I explain my physical self in this stanza, saying that my own body, myself is not the subject when i write or even think; instead it's a place that I only know of. This poem isn't suppose to be negative but I do write negatively.
notice how I wrote about nicotine and a lack of oxygen- I'm talking about my veins, the pathways that allow me to live. It's polluted but that isn't the source for my negative poetry, it never was - instead it's a metaphorical cave where I find myself and review.
"If I pass you by, you won't know anything but my name,
A name so cleverly weaved into my flesh and bones for identity.
If you were to stare into my eyes, I would close them to blind you.
I would rip through your skin, and dig deep enough to find you."
Obviously I don't know you, we only know our user names here. But names are so much like labels to give a compliment to one individual; a compliment that would help them fit into what is considered to be a "normal" world.
"If you were to stare into my eyes, I would close them to blind you."
The way I write is the only way I know how to, and for someone to try and take a peek and look through my eyes would be theivery; I would shut my eyes. But I wouldn't leave them alone in their struggle for a new view if they wanted it from me, I'd help them to see with their own eyes just a little bit better if i can.
"And when it's all over,
I know that this is where you may find me..."
This is what the poem means to me. Hate it or like it, hell this poem is everything to me and thats all that matters.
When I write I am not apart of anything physical, nothing realistic but at the same time it could be decoded into reality; this is my style and I explain it in this poem.
Well this explains quite a bit. Be warned, though, if you're going to write about things that don't exist in reality, it's going to be pretty difficult for many people relate to what you're saying.
Quote:
Originally Posted by x7 Lateralus 7x
I talked about what it would be like to look someone in their eyes and see the things they would never speak or emote in real life.
And where in the poem do you make it clear that this is what you're talking about?
Quote:
Originally Posted by x7 Lateralus 7x
"Writing words that may just be wisdom,
To isolate myself from the illusion, just for a little while,
And to organize my mind into a yard, a huge metaphorical pile;
I know that this is where you may find me."
If it were possible, everyone would know me in this new way. They would know how and where I keep my thoughts, symbols, and specific details into memory.
I still don't get what you're talking about here. Ok, you write in an attempt to organize your thoughts. I can see that. But what is this illusion you're isolating yourself from? You mention it in one line and provide no explanation as to what it is. And again, describing your mind as a "huge metaphorical pile" is pretty weak and boring. There's nothing interesting in that description, and it's disappointing to see such a weak phrase used to desribe something as powerful as the mind. There are plenty of more interesting ways you could say that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by x7 Lateralus 7x
"It's not the texture of my skin that seems so pale,
The lack of oxegen mixed with nicotine aren't the pathways.
The jagged walls of the cave I've stepped foot in,
This was my pool of my endless poetry."
I mispelled oxygen by the way. I explain my physical self in this stanza, saying that my own body, myself is not the subject when i write or even think; instead it's a place that I only know of. This poem isn't suppose to be negative but I do write negatively.
notice how I wrote about nicotine and a lack of oxygen- I'm talking about my veins, the pathways that allow me to live. It's polluted but that isn't the source for my negative poetry, it never was - instead it's a metaphorical cave where I find myself and review.
Again, how could the texture of your skin seem pale? You clarify here that it is not, but that idea doesn't make any sense.
The part about nicotine and oxygen...where do you make it clear that you're talking about your veins? Why do you even mention that at all, if it's negative, but not the source of negativity for poem? It doesn't seem to serve a purpose, and is impossible to understand without explanation.
Quote:
Originally Posted by x7 Lateralus 7x
"If I pass you by, you won't know anything but my name,
A name so cleverly weaved into my flesh and bones for identity.
If you were to stare into my eyes, I would close them to blind you.
I would rip through your skin, and dig deep enough to find you."
Obviously I don't know you, we only know our user names here. But names are so much like labels to give a compliment to one individual; a compliment that would help them fit into what is considered to be a "normal" world.
So what point are you trying to make about names and how they are used in the "normal" world? Again, you mention names and identities, but you don't show us at all what point you're trying to make. I can see that you mention them, but I cannot understand why you mention them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by x7 Lateralus 7x
"If you were to stare into my eyes, I would close them to blind you."
The way I write is the only way I know how to, and for someone to try and take a peek and look through my eyes would be theivery; I would shut my eyes. But I wouldn't leave them alone in their struggle for a new view if they wanted it from me, I'd help them to see with their own eyes just a little bit better if i can.
First, have you ever considered trying others styles of writing?
In your explanation you used the word "through" - that makes a lot more sense than "into". The part is much more clear when the word "through" is used.
Quote:
Originally Posted by x7 Lateralus 7x
"And when it's all over,
I know that this is where you may find me..."
This is what the poem means to me. Hate it or like it, hell this poem is everything to me and thats all that matters.
When what's all over?
And I must disagree. What this poem means to you is irrelevant. If that's all that matters, then why the hell did you post it for others to read? The purpose of poetry (art in general) is not only to express a mood/feeling felt by the artist, but to effectively convey that mood/feeling to others. This is where your poem fails. Sure, it makes sense to you, but it's very unclear to tohse who read it, and has little-no emotional impact.
If you want to write for yourself, fine, but please, keep it to yourself. If you want to post things for others to read, try to make them more clear, and try to write in a way that will actually allow your writing to have some sort of effect on those who read it.
If I wrote something that blunt I'd kick myself in the balls.
I'm tired of talking to you, leave my poetry alone and go write your perfection.
Don't speak to me either, I won't respond to a word you say from now on.
I write to create a picture and thats how I write.
If I wrote something that blunt I'd kick myself in the balls.
I'm not asking for bluntness, I'm asking for something that makes fucking sense. Apparently you're incapable of that, or you don't see the purpose in writing poetry that can be understood by those who read it. Either way, you're an idiot.
Quote:
Originally Posted by x7 Lateralus 7x
I'm tired of talking to you, leave my poetry alone and go write your perfection.
What the fuck? You seem be using the word "perfrection" here with some sort of negative connotation. How is that possible?
Quote:
Originally Posted by x7 Lateralus 7x
Don't speak to me
Oops.
Quote:
Originally Posted by x7 Lateralus 7x
I write to create a picture and thats how I write.
I understand that that's your intent, I'm just pointing out that you fail miserably. If you're trying to create a picture here, please show me what imagery you think you have. There isn't any (or isn't much, at least) so what makes you think you've created any sort of picture? You're obviously not using much imagery, so method are you attempting to use to create this picture?
You really need to get the hell over yourself. I actually tried to be pretty fuckinng nice in that last post, and yet you're still not willing to accept the points I'm making. You're afraid to consider the quality of your own writing, and unwilling to put in the thought/effort necessary to improve. You're a disgrace to those of us that are actual writers.
Well this explains quite a bit. Be warned, though, if you're going to write about things that don't exist in reality, it's going to be pretty difficult for many people relate to what you're saying.
Writing about concrete things is the easy way out; anyone can do that. In my oppinion, you shouldn't have to relate to a poem, it should mean different things to everyone.
__________________ "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind" Dr. Seuss
Writing about concrete things is the easy way out; anyone can do that.
Not true.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mutable
In my oppinion, you shouldn't have to relate to a poem, it should mean different things to everyone.
I agree, but the problem with this poem is that it's intent is so unclear it's near impossible to relate to. Nothing can be taken from it.
You both seem to be misunderstanding. I'm not saying poems need to be blunt or painfully straightforward, simply that they need to be clearer than this one is.
To me, this is about reality, or not being in touch with reality, or maybe, not wanting to be in touch with reality. Atleast that's the feeling I get from it.
__________________ "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind" Dr. Seuss
To me, this is about reality, or not being in touch with reality, or maybe, not wanting to be in touch with reality. Atleast that's the feeling I get from it.
"Writing words that may just be wisdom,
To isolate myself from the illusion, just for a little while,
And to organize my mind into a yard, a huge metaphorical pile;
I know that this is where you may find me."
It's mostly in this part, I could be way off from what it is actually intended to mean, but that's what I think of.
__________________ "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind" Dr. Seuss
You have a line to solve every problem i seem to come across Euthanasia, I wish I knew you in real life so I could give you some money to buy us some vodka, then we could go to parties and create demonic mosh pits out of Latin piano music. >.< \m/
"Writing words that may just be wisdom,
To isolate myself from the illusion, just for a little while,
And to organize my mind into a yard, a huge metaphorical pile;
I know that this is where you may find me."
It's mostly in this part, I could be way off from what it is actually intended to mean, but that's what I think of.
Alright, we've finally got a possible interpretation of one stanza.
If I pass you by, you won't know anything but my name,
A name so cleverly weaved into my flesh and bones for identity.
If you were to stare into my eyes, I would close them to blind you.
I would rip through your skin, and dig deep enough to find you.
When it's all over, I know that this is where you may find me...
My feeling is that the person in the view writing this piece is feeling a bit slighted by someone's view point of him.
"If I pass you by, you won't know anything but my name"
Apparently they are on a first name basis, and the feeling is somewhat spiteful because I assume 'he' wants to 'know' 'her' better.
"If you were to stare into my eyes, I would close them to blind you"
The eyes are this onlookers only perception of 'him'. Without his eyes open, there is simply no way to read him, thus she is 'blind' to his feelings.
"I would rip through your skin, and dig deep enough to find you"
Perhaps he knows she is more deep inside, and ripping deep could either be through intercourse, or a metapohr for a prolonged mentalliy stimultating conversation.
"When it's all over, I know it's where you may find me"
Once the girl realises the guys feelings for her, and realises he is studying her and tihnking about her, then she too will notice the connection.
*this is under the assumption that the first person is male, and the second is female* (or whatever gender the sexual preference is)
__________________ God was a woman because clits exist. All the fun. No cleanup.
Writing words that may just be wisdom,
To isolate myself from the illusion, just for a little while,
And to organize my mind into a yard, a huge metaphorical pile;
I know that this is where you may find me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by x7 Lateralus 7x
It's not the texture of my skin that seems so pale,
The lack of oxegen mixed with nicotine aren't the pathways.
The jagged walls of the cave I've stepped foot in,
This was my pool of my endless poetry.
The last two lines of this also make me think about not being in touch with reality. The cave seems to be a metaphor for something, I don't know what, but something that is not real, which is the source of your poetry. I know that for me, poetry comes from things that aren't real.
Quote:
Originally Posted by x7 Lateralus 7x
If I pass you by, you won't know anything but my name,
A name so cleverly weaved into my flesh and bones for identity.
If you were to stare into my eyes, I would close them to blind you.
I would rip through your skin, and dig deep enough to find you.
When it's all over, I know that this is where you may find me...
Again, in the first line, since they know nothing but your name, it makes me think that you have no contact with the real world. Then the rest of it makes me think that this other person is in touch with reality, and you are trying to take them out of it.
__________________ "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind" Dr. Seuss
Wonderful. Possible interpretations of parts of it that don't connect at all.
As these few of you continue to attempt to explain this poem, you also continue to leave out meaningless lines that serve no purpose.
But what more should I expect from tdn'ers?
I think mutable has given the best and most solidly founded comments out of the lot of you, but even she is forced to ignore excess lines to come up with her perception of it.
Hailey you nailed the son of a bitch. Yes thats what those stanza's imply, nothing complex.
You said it in a different way than I was thinking it though. GJ.
I'd like to state that I recognize someone (mutable) was actually able to find a way of interpreting most of this poem.
I had thought this impossible, but she was able to show a perspective of it that made some sense. Sure, she ignored a few of the lines that don't make sense/don't add much to the poem, but she was able to get something from it.
I still think it's a pretty poorly written poem, for reasons already stated, but I will admit that was I incorrect in saying that it was impossible to get anything from it, or to understand it.
And I'll also add that it's funny to me that you're complaining about what a dick I'm being. I can't help but notice that all real comments about this poem came in response to something I had said, some challenge I had made. You may not like the way I go about it, but you can't deny my effectiveness in getting you people to actually think about the piece, and actually explain your views on it.
You all need to learn to see past the rhetoric/tone of my posts and try to understand the points I make. It's not that difficult. And whether you like it or not, I do know what the hell I'm talking about.
This is a brutal thread to read, Mcpheezy you are being alittle harsh on this guy, I agree this poem is garbage at first look, but his explanation has some merit, which it would seem you passed over, all in all the poem though is real hard to understand at all without the poets explanation. Good artwork does need an explanation, the people who do not understand the subtleties will enjoy it, and those who go through the nuiances of deriving all meaning from it will enjoy it to the nth degree. That being said its hard to ask someone who does not seem to have any formal training too write a flawless poem, or even a good one at that.
I am sure you enjoy your poem lateralus but you cannot post it an not expect bad reviews and/ or deragatory questions. You cannot just say ohhh you wouldn't understand stfu, you lack imagination. If mcpheezy doesn't like it, I am sure there are many others that will not like it as well, a few changes could make the poem shine much brighter, you should consider his and others comments if they negative or not.
bill hix you are an idiot
xxlateralusxx that quote in your signature is not whatever you put, it's Lao Tse(Lao Tzu.) If you like the stolen version good for you, if not use the original one which shitkicks the newer one.
but his explanation has some merit, which it would seem you passed over
If you look back, you'll see that I gave a pretty detailed response to his explanation this poem. His response to that was that he didn't want to talk to me anymore.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Saturnist
I am sure you enjoy your poem lateralus but you cannot post it an not expect bad reviews and/ or deragatory questions. You cannot just say ohhh you wouldn't understand stfu, you lack imagination. If mcpheezy doesn't like it, I am sure there are many others that will not like it as well, a few changes could make the poem shine much brighter, you should consider his and others comments if they negative or not.
Hey lateralus, read this. Twice. Maybe three times.
