I saw a stare inside your eyes.
It’s fearful but I just seem to enjoy,
All the sorrow that it speaks of,
And all the pain it tries to hide.
I saw that dark and empty hole.
It was written by your stare.
I could see that those lines inside me,
When I closed my eyes.
I actually wanted to erase it,
But my feelings are to strong.
Resistance is useless for something,
This powerful as your eyes.
And also not the window,
Can stop you from staring at me.
And also not the mirror,
Can reflect me while staring at you.
Nameless girl, I’ll see you there.
In the morning where I’d wait,
For you to pass by my window.
Oh please, nameless girl,
Can you show me the way to live?
Can you tell me the lies to give?
Or someone else will take my heart.
Let it be yours, let it me mine.
Either not the window,
Can stop you from looking through me.
Either not the mirror,
Can reflect me while looking through you.
Hardly visible, but I feel your breath,
Feeding me love, until my death.
Whispers in my ear, telling me softly a lie,
However it doesn’t feel like I’ll die.
Not today, not in your arms,
Cause I still want to enjoy all your charms.
Though my brain is almost lost,
You show me all that it will cost.
A little more love in your breath,
Will save me from my hateful death…
[/font]
____-----------------------------------_____
Most of you wont get it, but I dont care.
____-----------------------------------_____
wow, i really liked it. i think the best part would be...
Oh please, nameless girl,
Can you show me the way to live?
Can you tell me the lies to give?
Or someone else will take my heart.
Let it be yours, let it me mine.
Would it be stupid of me to guess that this is about me?
Well,
I like it. :) You wrote it because of the picture, right? You said it was something about the stare in my eyes. Wich is true. (I think too much).
I have a feeling that I know what you mean by this.
Hoped you liked it. :)
And yeah, I already wanted to write something new about you, especially because you are very important for me...
When I saw yer pic, I just couldnt resist anymore... all these words spinning through my head... and I just wrote it down.
:)
Hoped you liked it. :)
And yeah, I already wanted to write something new about you, especially because you are very important for me...
When I saw yer pic, I just couldnt resist anymore... all these words spinning through my head... and I just wrote it down.
:)
Confusion amongst the people that dont know what it's about...
Yes, that part of your poem confused. Congratulations, it was a success. However, it was not at all clear that that was your intent, so that portion failed completely. It was completely ineffective in that I just thought you were an idiot. Confusion can be fine in poetry, but you do not accomplish it properly here.
wow, i really liked it. i think the best part would be...
Oh please, nameless girl,
Can you show me the way to live?
Can you tell me the lies to give?
Or someone else will take my heart.
Let it be yours, let it me mine.
almost made me cry. very good poem.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MorningStar
Yeah, I liked it. :)
And thanks. No one ever writes stuff about/to me. :P
Quote:
Originally Posted by sriehl
I really dont know what to say.... all i can think of is.. amazing....
Quote:
Originally Posted by MrMcPheezy
I did, however, like the last stanza. I think it was a bit rough around the edges, but it wasn't terrible.
Try taking the critiscim and losing the ego.
If someone sees it being lame and stupid, do not become so defensive.
To me, your writing seems really amature. It is really hard to believe that anyone will become a genious of a writer when they just begin to write. Same goes for anything in the creative process. Just being honest.
The end of the poem seems to me, to be constructed more around the rhyme scheme then around the idea, (whatever that actually is). As soon as you found a word that rhymed with the 1st line, you just wrote something to fit in infront on the second.
The poem sucked. It was pretentious with no meaning at all. Meter was blown to hell. It just seems like you had tried to cover up your short commings by causing confusion. Way to act intelligent, asshole.
What?
Also? That implies that one thing has been mentioned already, which it hasn't.
Let it you yours? Ok.
None of these parts make any sense at all.
I did, however, like the last stanza. I think it was a bit rough around the edges, but it wasn't terrible.
Everyone's a CRITIC! Making remarks such as the above, is compromising the line
of artistic communication. We're all friends here! Maybe it's supposed to be rough around the edges. After all, it is her sculpture.
__________________ To voice your opinion is one thing,
to opinionate someones voice is another.............
-JML (boytoydotcom)
Last edited by boytoydotcom; 05-12-2004 at 02:04 AM..
I don't get why you have a problem with my comments on this poem. I didn't like it, I told windir why, giving him a chance to consider my input and make alterations if he felt it necessary. Why is that a bad thing?
I don't get why you have a problem with my comments on this poem. I didn't like it, I told windir why, giving him a chance to consider my input and make alterations if he felt it necessary. Why is that a bad thing?
The way in which you flexed your words seemed a little harsh and judgemental.
I wasn't trying to create negative energy between you and myself. I was just
trying to prevent someone from having their creativity challenged. I see so many
negative responses towards other individuals artistic creations. It just upsets
me when I feel like someone is flexing their ego, like they could have done better.
I apologize if I mistook your words for anticonstructive criticism.
__________________ To voice your opinion is one thing,
to opinionate someones voice is another.............
-JML (boytoydotcom)
If you are harsh, it's only because you are insecure. Maybe you're just jealous
this poem wasn't about you fucking someone's mother. Grow up and shed
your childhood skin. Instead of fucking your mother
Quote:
Originally Posted by MrMcPheezy
motherfucker.
Go fuckyourself!
__________________ To voice your opinion is one thing,
to opinionate someones voice is another.............
-JML (boytoydotcom)
Who are you to judge someone else's ideas? Hate is for those who
hate only themselves. There are no rules or boundaries when it comes to creating.
But in your case, I guess you're the exception to the rule. With a mind as full
of anger and hate as yours is, I guess there's no room to create anything else.
__________________ To voice your opinion is one thing,
to opinionate someones voice is another.............
-JML (boytoydotcom)
Last edited by boytoydotcom; 05-12-2004 at 02:42 AM..
Easy there METALLICA. Don't get
your mullet in a knot.
Good-natured sarcasm, I hope.
Relativism requires a lot more discipline than many would dare believe. Whilst it enables its advocates an easy means of defense, it also removes entirely their capacity to criticise.
What if I wanted to get my mullet in a knot, after all? Who would you be to judge that? I'm not trying to be hostile, here, but relativism is a very sharp double-edged blade, and I think that this is overlooked far too often.
__________________
So they built as men must build
With the sword in one hand and the trowel in the other.
