(this is for a creative writing workshop, and i dunno, i think it is sub par and too serious, any suggestions?)
marooned hibiscus flowers gesture through the glass
just-before-rain darkness behind a luster lime foreground: rainbow conditions
silhouettes of folage against deep stone midnight
shadows shiver behind the couch, slinking closer to the hearth
i turn, the window pane captures the horizon’s silver lining
whispy wheat grass spreads beneath my feet
distant branches creak above prophetic verse
astral paint hides between the hibiscus: lunar spider web
The Moon moves
Great imagery and I like how you end it with the moon and falling horizon. I think it's really good and there's nothing wrong with it being serious. So, in creative writing studio, do you get to write whatever want or are their guidlines; like do you have to have a certain amount poems or short stories, and do they give you topics to write about or can you choose your own?
anemic = i think it all depends on the teacher, but in my case i lucked out and my teacher is probably the coolest i have ever had. he doesn't grade anything, he gives everyone an A as long as they do all the work, no matter how shitty, and come to class. he believes that this way true creative freedom can come about, which i think is awesome, after three (yes three) semesters of agonizing rhetoric, trying to fit inside there box it was really refreshing. for creative writing stuido, the people that teach it are from the writers workshop at UI so, they are all pretty cool since they got accepted to the best writing school in the country. i think most of them would let you write about whatever, but that isn't to say they won't give you really useful criticism
Well i just workshopped the poem in class and came up with this. slightly more rythmic with internal ryhme and such... i think it is an improvement, but there is always room for more
marooned hibiscus buds beckon behind the glass
just-before-rain darkness behind lusterous lime: rainbow time
silhouettes of lit foliage shade dark deep dusk
shadows slink over the carpet, shivering closer to the glow
i turn; silver horizon lining imprisoned within the window pane
whispy wheat grass spreads beneath my soles
trees creak beneath prophetic feet
astral parts paint hibiscus pieces: lunar spider web
The Moon begins
i don't like the way the poem ends with the letter art... it tends to ruin the look of organization that the poem started out with. as for the poem itself, it all holds together as far as imagery and the general feeling goes; i didn't quite get the meaning in one read-through, but sometimes meaning is less important than the initial feelings.
maybe 'falling horizon' would look better in a natural layout... to me, the word 'falling' is not in any way strengthened by the visual falling of the letters.
yea, understood. however the phrase 'falling horizon' has little to do with a falling horizon, in my intetions i feel it is the best way to convey what i want. i don't want to spell it out for you, i want it to be found rather than told. although you may not have an interp, what are your intial feelings?
it makes me think of dreams... a kind of floating, meaninglessness wherein one can't help but search for meaning. of course i'm not being literal--i didn't re-read the poem to find meaning because what i felt and saw in my mind is probably more useful to me than whatever you may have intended to impart. that initial feeling is what i typically read poetry for.
but trying to be more specific, i didn't really feel any strong emotions because of the reading; just a kind of passive wondering.