08-30-2004, 08:46 AM
#1
Level 8 - Vociferous
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Maine
"A Razorblade Romance"
My cousin wrote this after she had seen a painting I made, and a memory I shared...
Getting ready for our date.
Alas, we are back together.
I have missed the attention you give me.
My wounds have healed, all is well.
Just let me grab my hoodie,
And we can sneak out to the barn.
Where we can be alone together...
All night long.
Trace my skin,
With your loving touch
You are such a tease,
That I can't give up.
Give me a taste
Of your crimson love...
I need you, want you...
Harder, deeper.
You cut through me,
Like I am nothing...
Nothing but a whore...
You make everything sting.
When you're gone..
I want you, crave you.
I need you.
Dammit, I am thinking too much again...
Then, I look down
At the mess you have made...
My blood dripping from my arm...
Oozing off my hand to the floor.
We did it again love,
But I am not satisfied.
I want more of your love,
I need it.
I am beginning to see things spin...
Maybe you should go,
For now...
Thus, another Razor Blade romance....
__________________
If you took that seriously then you deserve to be offended. - Peon
Eon, Onemind, and Crow... I'll miss you.
Aren't I cute? My daddy's name is Cronos .
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08-30-2004, 11:01 PM
#2
Level 9 - Obstreperous
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Hillsboro, Oregon
Posts: 1,702
Bincount™: 230
Re: "A Razorblade Romance"
The last stanza seems a little cliche, especially the last line. Maybe if you made it a stanza/reworded it/scrapped it, it would be good.
I really like the rest of it. Especially the turn of events, how it seems to change connotations, and requires you to go re-read it with the last stanzas in mind.
Overall, a B. It's a good draft, but not a final piece.
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