yes im a dude, however this song has resonated with me ever since i heard it (despite the feminine pronouns). back in high school, i was always trying to be something i was not. i was always trying to be "cool" (who wasnt though), but i never wanted to put in the effort. i had a feeling that it was something that should just come naturally with no effort.. i was never a jock. i never joined any clubs. i got terrible grades. and never really hit it off well with the stoner crowd, even though i experimented quite a bit.. i was that creepy kid who sat in the corner in the back. i was stoned every day in school. i smoked before and after on my way home. i felt like i was trying to escape from something i didnt even know was there. my home life wasnt the greatest, but i felt like it couldnt have been the complete source off all this trauma..
"Underneath her skin and jewelry,
hidden in her words and eyes
is a wall that's cold and ugly
and she's scared as hell."
i didnt wear jewelry (lol), but i wore hoodies every day that i went to school (yes, even in spring and fall) like it was my own style or something. i felt like i always had a mask on. i was always putting up a facade.. only a few select people (whom im still friends with) got to see the "wall" (my real self) thats underneath..
"Trembling at the thought of feeling.
Wide awake and keeping distance.
Nothing seems to penetrate her.
She's scared as hell."
i was terrified of other people. scared of simple communication.. i didnt feel like i wanted to bond with anyone. i never had a girlfriend for this reason.. nothing penetrated my defenses.. i had an irrational fear that i still cant find the source of.. i still have a clinically diagnosed social anxiety disorder.. though im better now, i was terrified then. scared as hell.
" I am frightened to.
Wide awake
and keeping distance from my soul.
I am scared like you."
the first time i heard that first line, it hit hard. the guitar part behind it (fucking sick) blew me away, too (for something so simple it sounds amazing). it also took me to a memory of an episode of futurama where bender says, "im scared!" and the tough plumber/construction guy says, "we're all scared, its the human condition! whys do yous thinks i puts on this toughs guy facade?" - helped me realize that most of those other kids were in the same boat as me, they just dealt with it by acting like someone/something they wanted to be/saw on tv. while i dealt with it by trying to simply be myself.
most of those other kids now have kids of their own and are already getting married (im only 20).. i gotta laugh though, because while they're practically ending their life, im just beginning starting mine.. i know its not healthy to hold grudges, but who's the loser now? hahaha
