Would you like a line-by-line?
It's a good poem, but it could be better with some revision.
__________________ Althoughwbelieverseknow nofboundsetoatheirrfaith, theyowillustillrremain blindedosheep,wandntake societyptooit'swknees.e Norman should be the victim of religiously engineered beliefs. A man should find his own light, for we are not sheep, and have no shepard. We have ourselves, and no one can take that away from us.
In this one moment I am whole
Reminds me of your primal goal
To hide in us, until we break
To torture us, until we hate
Ok, so. Here we have a fair setting. I could see this developing. No problems yet.
Quote:
Originally Posted by peachyyy
Say something that makes sense
These pure moments, are so intense
I kind of like it when you swear,
It's almost like a bunny being fucked by a bear
This last line is terrible. Just fucking awful. In spite of what the other poster said. It's terrible. This is not imagery. Imagery does not happen when a scene is discussed so blatantly and plainly. There aren't even any adjectives. I think I get the point you're trying to make...but it's still terrible. Show, don't tell. Here, you tell. And that's it. You don't create imagery in this way. You leave nothing to be imagined by the reader. You don't describe the image you want to conjure up, you simply state what it is. In addition, you don't do it in even remotely and interesting way. No adjectives. No juxtaposition. Nothing. The line is completely empty and holds no poetic weight whatsoever.
Quote:
Originally Posted by peachyyy
God has big plans for you, though
He told me to tell you, just so you'd know
While the testimony of our free will
Proves itself kill by kill
I just don't get the point of this stanza. It doesn't really develop the character at all. You seem to imply that the character is a murderer, but that doesn't seem to fit in with the rest of the piece, so this entire passage becomes a waste.
Quote:
Originally Posted by peachyyy
Don't be ashamed, if you lied
My merkaba is on the way to collide
How does the subject lying relate to anything else? Why shouldn't they be ashamed of it? Why would the be ashamed of it. You're not drawing a very good
picture of the subject, and therefore, all the little details you give about him/her are very disjunct and disconnected. It's impossible to get a clear image of who you're talking about. Also. The speaker's merkaba is on the way to collide with what/who? How is this at all applicable to what you've been saying in the rest of the poem? Once again, very disjunct, very disconnected.
Quote:
Originally Posted by peachyyy
Need just one reason to drop the rock,
One single duck doesn't make a whole flock…
Drop the rock? What rock? Why are you talking about ducks? What does any of this have to do with anything else you've said?
Quote:
Originally Posted by peachyyy
And if you assumed you understood
I knew you couldn't, I knew you would
So...the speaker knew the subject couldn't understand, and knew that the speaker would understand. That's pretty odd. Well, "odd" isn't quite the word I'm looking for. I think "stupid" is more appropriate.
It's almost like you tried to write a bad poem. Seriously.
Oh, and I forgot to mention the rhyming and how much it sucks.
It seems like you wrote this by saying "Ok. Here's a line. Now, what word rhymes with the last word in this line? Ok, now what line can I write that ends with that word?". That's a terrible way to write. The rhyme schemes totally forced. There's nothing wrong with rhyming, but you have mask it somehow. Use enjambment slant rhymes or something.
your teaching methods seem familiar Pheezy.
i think you would have been better off writing a revision instead of insulting.
"So...the speaker knew the subject couldn't understand, and knew that the speaker would understand. That's pretty odd. Well, "odd" isn't quite the word I'm looking for. I think "stupid" is more appropriate.
It's almost like you tried to write a bad poem. Seriously."
harsh, very harsh.
tone it down a bit, im picturing you as that "bunny" right now.
i do have to agree though, this poem isnt the best; not the best compared to all of the other writings peachyyy has created.
stick to whatever method you were using before you wrote this peachyyy, and if you're going through writers block, just wait it out.
trash this poem; you can do a lot more better than this, i've seen it.
tone it down a bit, im picturing you as that "bunny" right now.
hhmmm, I thought that wasn't imagery
Quote:
Originally Posted by x7 Lateralus 7x
i do have to agree though, this poem isnt the best; not the best compared to all of the other writings peachyyy has created.
stick to whatever method you were using before you wrote this peachyyy, and if you're going through writers block, just wait it out.
trash this poem; you can do a lot more better than this, i've seen it.
thank you lots
I just saw this in my little green book, liked it and put it here
that's about it
and as long as I like it, it stays
It is by the loosest definition of the word, in that it is something that can be seen. However, that would imply that the word "red" in and of itself could be imagery. Which it isn't. You don't seem to really understand the concept of imagery.
In this one moment I am whole
Reminds me of your primal goal
To hide in us, until we break
To torture us, until we hate
There are moments in my life that are happy, in which I feel fulfilled but in the same time I am so bitter and full of doubt
Who is the "your" in this statement? Starting a poem off with such a clear subject makes me expect that subject to be carried throughout the poem, which it is not. This stanza mentions some who hides in us until we break and tortures us until we break. That person is never mentioned again in the poem, though s/he is the focal point of this stanza. The moments you mentioned in where you feel fulfulled but also full of doubt...those moments are only mentioned in the first line of this stanza. The second, third, and fourth lines all deal with some character which appears to be the subject of the poem, but is never at all developed. Also. The way you describe the moments in the first line. All you say is that you feel comeplete. There are no signs of doubt, which was half of your description of them outside the poem. Yet we see no doubt at this point in the poem. You seem to think that this whole stanza focuses on the moments mentioned initially. It does not. Your use of the word "your" pushes the focus from those moments to some character we expect to learn about through the poem. Which we do not.
Quote:
Quote:
Originally Posted by peachyyy
Say something that makes sense
These pure moments, are so intense
I kind of like it when you swear,
It's almost like a bunny being fucked by a bear
1and2 can’t see life’s purpose
2and3 life=ironic
Once again. This stanza focuses on some character. The speaker is speaking to the subject of the poem. The second and third lines aren't bad in that they reveal something about the relationship between the speaker and subject. However, there is no irony here, and I'm not sure why you think there is.
Quote:
Quote:
Originally Posted by peachyyy
God has big plans for you, though
He told me to tell you, just so you'd know
While the testimony of our free will
Proves itself kill by kill
doubt religion and the sacred individual;
hypocrisy ; also getting into petty things while bigger stuff is revolving around you; ignorance
I see no doubt in religion here. If you were trying to convey it, you failed. Also, there is no mention of anything petty in this stanza. "God", "free will", murder, proof. None of those things could be desribed as petty. They are all quite large concepts. There is also no hypocrisy. I'm not sure why you think there is.
Quote:
Quote:
Originally Posted by peachyyy
Don't be ashamed, if you lied
My merkaba is on the way to collide
there is no religion,
Just being or not (thought)
What does this stanza at all have to do with religion not existing? Once again, what is the speakers merkaba on it's way to collide with? How is the speaker's merkaba colliding with something at all important? What lie did the subject tell?
Quote:
Quote:
Originally Posted by peachyyy
Need just one reason to drop the rock,
One single duck doesn't make a whole flock…
Little things fuel people's fire,
Metaphor;also one individual isn’t enough….you have to live the change you want to see in the world
"The rock"? What the hell is "the rock" other than a shitty wrestler/actor? Who's dropping this supposed rock, and why is it at all important? Is the speaker dropping the rock? the subject? the reader? I can't tell, because this stanza is so poorly worded. And yeah. I understand the metaphor, but how does it relate to anything you've mentioned previously? No shit one duck isn't a flock. This metaphor is meaningless because it stands alone and is not at all relevant to the rest of the poem. It doesn't connect to anything else, and isn't strong enough to stand alone. Also, there is nothing wrong with using assertions that don't seem to fit together, but only if it does in a manner that makes it obvious that is the author's intent. Otherwise, it comes across as though you're trying to sound coherent and failing.
Quote:
Quote:
Originally Posted by peachyyy
And if you assumed you understood
I knew you couldn't, I knew you would
even when you think you're maybe right
something proves you wrong,
Then again you start
Your explanation of this stanza does not at all seem to fit what it actually says. Who thinks they're right and is proven wrong and starts again? The subject thought s/he was right. The speaker knew s/he couldn't be, but somehow, also knew s/he would be. This makes zero fucking sense. What point are you trying to make, and how did you manage to fail so miserably at making it?
Parts of it sound as though the speaker is speaking to the subject mentioned in the first stanza. That character is horribly under/undeveloped. In other parts, the speaker seems to be speaking to the reader. Which just makes everything confusing. You explanation of what this poem means to you do anything but confuse me even more. In addition, what it means to you is completely irrelevant. No meaning can be drawn from it from others, and therefore, it means nothing. Regardless of what your intent was when you wrote it.
I want to state that I will no longer be doing line-by-line revisions. I never meant to draw such negative attention to anyone's work. I am sorry that I asked if you would like one.
__________________ Althoughwbelieverseknow nofboundsetoatheirrfaith, theyowillustillrremain blindedosheep,wandntake societyptooit'swknees.e Norman should be the victim of religiously engineered beliefs. A man should find his own light, for we are not sheep, and have no shepard. We have ourselves, and no one can take that away from us.
Last edited by ExTReMe FrEAk; 11-21-2004 at 10:23 PM..
I want to state that I will no longer be doing line-by-line revisions. I never meant to draw such negative attention to anyone's work. I am sorry that I asked if you would like one.
Shut the fuck up. I've done this numerous times to numerous people here. I would have done it even if you hadn't offered a line by line analysis of this poem.
True, but not giving a fuck makes it ok to ignore it. =D
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lithium
The best thing to do in situations like this is to ignore the antagonizor. ;]
No. The best thing to do is to ignore the manner in which the statements are made; not the statements themselves. The tone with which statements are conveyed means nothing with regard to the relevance/importance of the statements. That's like saying old people should be ignored because they speak softly.
No. The best thing to do is to ignore the manner in which the statements are made; not the statements themselves. The tone with which statements are conveyed means nothing with regard to the relevance/importance of the statements. That's like saying old people should be ignored because they speak softly.
First of all, the manner in which you promote change is directly affecting the outcome of the change. Secondly, ignoring assholes is also a good way to promote change, just as not fighting promotes non-violence.
And last - fuck old people. Everyone should drop dead of a heart attack at 54. It's healthy and godly. A preacher told me so.
Agreed. Getting as much attention drawn to your comments as possible makes it more likely that they will be noticed, and therefore, effective.
No, not fighting is non-violence. This example does not working in the way mine did. pwnt.
You are confusing affect with effect. It may be effective in the sense that you create the desired affect you were looking for, which I might add, is to harass and annoy. However, your affect is not constructive, and therefore ineffective in promoting change.
Your last statement made no sense. You clearly didn't understand my point. Which, frankly, isn't my problem.
You are confusing affect with effect. It may be effective in the sense that you create the desired affect you were looking for, which I might add, is to harass and annoy. However, your affect is not constructive, and therefore ineffective in promoting change.
No, no. You're confused, dear. I'm trying to positively affect this poem and this writer. Being a complete dick draws more attention to my comments than they would otherwise recieve. Allowing at least a better chance for the desired effect to occur. I have made my statements. Whether or not they cause change is now out of my control.
Allowing at least a better chance for the desired effect to occur. I have made my statements. Whether or not they cause change is now out of my control.
ahem... "desired AFFECT". Motherfucking. No one listens.
