Alex in Chains

"Good evening, douchebags."

This is how Maynard introduced Tool as they took the stage. In the end, it turned out that was probably the most appropriate way to address the crowd at Street Scene last night.

First, a recap of the day’s tragic events: My buddy and I drove down from Newport Beach, and the traffic was horrendous. Fortunately, we made it there at about 4:00, and my other friend was waiting with a parking space outside his apartment -- which is about a quarter mile from Qualcomm. Nice. We pre-partied at his place and walked over around 6:30, catching some of the Editors (very cool) and watching most of the Shins (who apparently have only two good songs, both on the Garden State soundtrack). The alcohol situation was abhorrent, with cocktails made with Captain Morgan, Parrot Bay, or Smirnoff, and one beer: Heineken. These were, as far as I know, the only libations being served. Sub-par liquor and the skunkiest beer on earth. Great.

So after all this, I kept saying, "Tool will make all this worth it. The traffic on the drive down, the astronomical prices we paid for beer at the Rapist Liquor Store™ so that we could pre-party, the terrible alcohol selection, the Shins sucking . . . Wait, is this a Nazi torture experiment? Jesus." But Tool would make everything better . . . I hoped.

And now, the show:

So we get up on the left side of the stage, slightly back from the middle, where we have an excellent view since the whole lot in that area is on a huge incline (which few others seem to figure out, interestingly enough). Tool comes out and opens with "Stinkfist," and everyone’s having a good time. Next is "The Pot," and Maynard has to tell the convicts up in front to back up and stop trampling each other (yes, during the song). I think that there may be problems ahead, later in the set, with people getting hurt. Wrong. It’s a problem right now. Maynard is still talking to them after the song. The fucking cavemen in the front can’t stop killing for a few minutes. Who are these people? The lead singer of the band whose music is so powerful and meaningful to your admittedly ultra-sophisticated intellect that it causes you to hurt those around you is telling you to step back. The band is obviously not going to continue until it’s safe. And you’re still acting like that. Brilliant. So now, we’re treated to ten minutes of ear candy which is kind of monotonous and obviously not designed to fill a ten-minute gap in the set. Thanks. Finally, after what looked like a Navy SEAL operation by security (and probably cops, paramedics, and firemen) to rescue injured people from the orgy of idiocy in the front, the band continues with "Forty-six and 2." They play the rest of the set, finishing at 11:55. Ten minutes for the morons, five minutes off the end, 15 minutes total (a sixth of the set -- got that?) . . . I’m not a mathematician, but you Cro-Magnon assholes just cost us at least a song. What was it? "Rosetta Stoned"? "The Patient" and "Opiate"? "Right in Two" and "Opiate"? We’ll never know, thanks to you.

I can only imagine the people responsible for this didn’t really care who was playing. "Fuck the band. I’m just here to trample people!" Fuck you, buddy. "Who’s playing? MURDER!" I hate every single person who couldn’t behave like a fucking human being last night. I wish your mom hadn’t loaned you the money to go to the show. One sixth of the set you cost us. I wonder what they would have played in those 15 minutes. They might have even surprised us with "Third Eye" or something. Were you even here to see the band?

This was my fifth Tool show (the first was Lollapalooza ’97, where, oddly enough, Snoop Dogg was also performing . . . although people actually cared back then). During the ten minutes of electronic percussion by Danny while the casualties were removed, I turned to my friend and said, "Worst Tool show ever." After seeing the whole show, do I still think that? Absolutely. The band was phenomenal, they had lots of new (and old) segues and changes to songs (particularly cool was "Vicarious," with Maynard playing a little keyboard and singing an interesting harmony to the usual melody of the bridge), and we got to hear a good setlist, which, while not surprising, definitely worked very well. But this was the first time that I actually felt a little ashamed of being a Tool fan. I mean, the asshole next to me who was screaming "I’ll keep digging" during the "Stinkfist" jam (along with a lot of other people – apparently no one ever learns) and shouted lots of shit for no pressing strategic reason and sang not just off-key but off-beat and I’m pretty sure slapped my ass at least once . . . that guy I expected. I was prepared for that moron. But the trampling was unacceptable. If you’re Tool fans, please stay at home and listen to their albums. If you’re just idiots who wanted to fuck shit up and didn’t care who the band was, please pick a different band next time. You ruined it for everyone last night, especially those poor people you stomped on with your Neanderthal fucking feet. Thank you, douchebags.

For those who live in San Diego, your next Tool show will be a little less crowded, because I don’t think I’ll ever drive down there for another concert. Maybe to enjoy the weather, but not for a repeat of last night. I have to assume that there will be more cretins who just care about stepping on each other, with or without the band playing.

Through no fault of the band’s, this was the worst Tool show I have ever, ever seen. And in case you haven’t guessed by now, I have nothing but contempt for you animals in the front. Don’t come out next time, please. You didn't just cost us a song or two. You actually HURT people. Way to go, douchebags.

__________________
<e4t> I added a lime and it tastes fucking salty or somethin
<nChainz> did you add salt?
<e4t> no I'm not drinkin' martinis ffs
<ru5ty> wat