Kruppo

Another party scene. Another night where I was trapped amongst drunkards against my will. I could’ve said no to Rachel and stayed back at the dorm. Part of me now regretted even coming. Being in the house with a booming bass, alcohol everywhere, and people my age getting tanked raised a cloud of annoyance and gloom over my head. Like a bad movie that was replayed on television constantly, this party scene had started to freak me out, and cause my senses to overload.
Why did it seem like every face was the same? Who were these random people that were here? Did they even know each other? Did they know the host? Why did it seem like I was in my own different version of Groundhog Day?
It was a strained atmosphere, and I was starting to get pissed off. Part of me wanted to start a riot. Seize a nearby object and break it over some guy’s head. That would break the strain, wouldn’t it?
Rachel then stood and went over to where the booming bass was located, along with two of her friends. They began dancing to it, slowly, as a slower beat came on then. Some foolish rap song played in the clubs all around the country. But that wasn’t what I was focused on as the song bounced on in its ceaseless gibberish bullshit.
Certain parts of Rachel started to catch my eye as she and her friends went to town. To a passerby, these girls would’ve probably been considered wanton whores trying to get attention from some frat boy. The clothes they wore, the way they moved...yet I was powerless. I couldn’t avert my eyes if I’d wanted to.
And then that thick, strange sensation that had come over me not too long ago punched me in the stomach again, hitting me harder this time. I knew then what it was, and what it was doing to me. The lust crept over me with a wave of desperation. I tried to throw it off, tried to look away and find somebody I could chill with elsewhere in the house, but I couldn’t even move to get off of the couch.
Rachel finally quit dancing after doing it for a few songs. She came back to me then, but her friends kept dancing. Some guys had joined them now. Rachel smiled at me as she sat down.
“You okay? You look like you’re feeling sick.” She’d nailed it dead on, almost. I was feeling sick. But it wasn’t the kind of sick that she no doubt thought I was undergoing. I wasn’t close to wanting to throw up, or anything like that.
I wanted Rachel. I had to have her now, or I was going to lose it. The atmosphere was already breaking me, so why not surrender to it? Why not join along in the fun? I’m sure plenty of other guys here at the house were getting it done.
Looking at her one last time, my will finally snapped. I lost control. Chad Palma, myself, went on autopilot and went in for the kill. Rachel didn’t see it coming when I kissed her hard, landing on her roughly, caressing her there on the couch, not caring if a single person walked by and noticed.
After she’d realized my intent, Rachel somehow shoved me off, creating some distance between us. The moment this happened, the autopilot was switched off, and I found myself staring at an angry female. She looked like she was ready to kill. Her eyes were on fire, and her lips were drawn back in what seemed to be a snarl, her teeth bared at me.
In my confusion, part of me found the sight erotic. But before I could even say something, much less do anything, Rachel snapped at me. “Chad! Are you kidding me?”
“What?” I had nothing else to say. Her response was not exactly something I’d planned for. “What!” I had now switched into self-defense mode. Lie, say whatever needed to be said to smooth things over, etc.
“You know what’s wrong here.” She was fuming, but the erotic glare was gone now. And so was my only hope of having her to myself. “I mean, seriously? Chad!” She, too, was at a loss for words. “What were you thinking?”
“I was just going with it!” I didn’t know what ‘it’ was, exactly, but whatever it was it had felt good at the time.
“I can’t believe you just did that.” She stood up, pissed, and went off towards the door without another word. I jumped up, wanting to get it over with. I was finished. I knew that much.
“Hey!” I finally caught up with her outside, next to the car. “Come on, what’s wrong? If there’s something you wanna tell me then go ahead.” I managed to pin her between me and the car. “What’s your problem? Too fast, right?”
“It’s not even that!” Rachel took a deep breath, and feeling a bit less aggressive than I’d been moments ago, I took a step back and let her have some breathing room.
“I’m seeing someone right now, Chad,” She came right out with it. I’d known, subconsciously, that there had to be someone. Of course. It’d made complete sense.
But even then, I had to go all the way and finish this nonsense for good. “Yeah?”
“It’s your friend, David.” And boom. There it had gone. My temper got the better of me again as I stood there, recalling how David and Rachel had gotten along very well during that night at the party…
And then I remembered David being on the phone with a mysterious stranger during our trip to D.C. That stranger had been Rachel.
Of course, of course. Who else could it have been? This had been what I’d feared the entire time. But in my temper, I still couldn’t fathom it. I don’t know how Rachel tolerated the entire scene. I’m sure there had been people watching.
“David-” I’d been looking for some weakness I could flaunt about the guy behind his back; something I could use to somehow turn the tables on Rachel. “David’s a high schooler! You can’t be serious about this!”
“What, just because he’s not graduated yet? Because he’s younger than you are?” Rachel fired back. “If you haven’t noticed, Chad, he’s just as mature as you are. Age had nothing to do with it.”
“How long have you two been seeing each other?” And for that matter, how many nights had David been sneaking over here without telling the rest of Juggernaut, just so that he could see Rachel?
“Since we first met. I gave him my number while you were sleeping.” Rachel said. “It’s just gone from there.”
Even though I’d had my suspicions, my gut still hadn’t been ready for her to admit it all. I felt a war brewing in me, and I couldn’t hold it in any longer. Finally, Rachel must’ve gotten tired of me staring at her in disbelief, because then she said, “Look, we can stand here all night, and nothing is going to change. I like you well enough Chad; you seem like a decent guy. But it’s not happening. Not here. Not now. Not at all. Don’t even try to do that to me again, all right?”
“Fine.” I finally seized some strength within and let bygones be bygones. “If you’ll excuse me then, I think it best if we go our separate ways for the evening.”
“I came here to be with my friends, Chad,” She said. “I’m not leaving. You can, if you want. I know you hate these parties anyway.” She turned her back on me, then turned her head to me. “You enjoy the rest of the night.”
Yes, of course, dear. I’ll take full advantage of it. My night had just been killed with on foul stroke. Like the soldier who thought he’d just cleared the minefield, only to step on the last mine left, I felt the shame crush me as I waited a few moments before going back into the house.
What now? What was I going to do? I didn’t know; but I didn’t want to leave just yet. I slammed back into couch, my head starting to ache. Just then, a couple of guys came into the room, shouting. They put a bag on the table in front of the couch and went to the kitchen, where Rachel had gone, I was sure.
I shut my eyes, pinching the bridge of my nose as I uttered a curse. There went one of my main priorities for the spring break; getting something going with Rachel. The sting of her rejection had hurt greatly, and I needed something, anything, to get me out of the foul pit I found myself in at the time.
Apparently, somebody had set up a beer pong table in the kitchen, because there were cheers and similar ruckus coming from the kitchen. Nobody was in the living room except me. I sat there, miserable for a few moments, until something caught my eye. A bottle of Jack Daniels was also on the table, at the far end of it. In the light, I could see that some fool had left almost a full bottle of Jack Daniels without the consideration that it might get stolen.
Perhaps my internal systems were still running amuck when I reached for the bottle. Perhaps I was just too tired to care about Mom. But as my hand gripped the cool, smooth bottle, something deep within my internal system hit me hard, and a slugfest ensued, causing me to freeze in position, still reaching for the bottle.
For some reason, all I could see was Marvin in my mind. Our last real discussion, the embrace at the end of it; I also saw Grant in my mind’s eye as well, and how I’d been a terrible example to him in the past. Even at my worst, I still felt some deep regret about those chaotic days where I had destroyed myself physically and mentally. And that remorse was now running so powerfully though me, at the time, I finally let go of the bottle. Through sheer will power, I stood up and left the building, proceeding to get in the car, where I sat for a good hour before deciding to head back to the dorm.

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I'm so post-rock I shit sad birds