Track 7 (Maybe. Could be two medium length tracks and a terribly short one, too.
I’m now losing the will to live with the stopwatch. It’s 14min 45sec of music,
whatever). Guitars to the fore again. One long note with almost blues-like,
overlaid note progressions. f@!# me, it’s House Of The Rising Sun cut with
Ketamine. There are unsettling whispers and talking. Is this a bad trip or a
psychiatry session? Come to think of it, is there a difference? ‘How Are You
Today?’… ‘Tell Me Everything’ then THWACK! Into such a breathtakingly slappy,
powerful riff kick that I’m actually physically winded for a nanosecond.
Demonic, growling, rap noise over rhythmic heavy heavy groove. Forget the Were
Rabbit jibe. This is a f@!# full-on, nasty, shaven headed WEREWOLF. A lightbulb
goes mental in the room. The Record Company almost lose all cool and run for it.
I damn nearly join them but now I AM crying. I am gulping back wracking sobs at
the sheer Toolishness of this monstrous, magnificent track. This is the real
deal. Again snippets from Lateralus. You ARE playing with us. You ARE! This is
Tool’s equivalent of ‘spot the Hitchcock in the Hitchcock film’! But I don’t
care. It’s like The Best Of Tool in one song. The Bomb. It ends like the violent
end of a violent life. And then it ends again. Unless that’s another track, of
course….

Track 8 (6min 44sec). Odd noises. Sea shore meets ironworks. Ever see the
cartoon meisterwerk ‘Spirited Away’? You MUST! In it there is a character called
Kamajii The Boiler Keeper who has 6 arms and an army of small black coals. This
sound is similar. Soon joined by elastic bass and drum twangling over
multi-layered Maynard whisperings and chanted vox. Shades of Pink Floyd again.
Shades of the more ‘moody’ Lateralus tracks again. Reflection. Disposition.
Tribal and hypnotic.

Track 9 (9min 04sec. I think). Melodic, slow, hypnotic. Almost balladic. Wall of
Sound build-up. Danny does some Bamboo pole-type drumming into big rif***e. Big,
big sound. Tool at their weightiest. It’s almost Chinese at the end. I can think
of worse things to be like. Perhaps the boys have their eyes on the World’s
fastest developing market?

Track 10 (OK it’s 11 but I’m f@!# if I can work out how we got here). The walk
out track (their description not mine). Oddness. The Noodles of Satan.

And that’s it. First playback and Maynard bids us farewell. ‘Hope you enjoyed
it. If you didn’t we could put on a little Green Day for you?’. Second playback
and Justin apologises for not being The Arctic Monkeys. We smoodge and chatter.
We remember that Danny is actually the World’s nicest (and tallest) man. If only
I could feel as comfy in my skin as he does. That’s it – go on, compare my
insides with his outsides. We rejoice in the fact that ¼ of Tool is, in fact,
English. We clamber onto our pushbike past legions of hoodies whilst the Tool
Carnival ups and offs to Amsterdam. f@!# knows where THAT playback will take
place but I have a shrewd idea or two…



---------

†his was sent to me by someone who knows the DJ that wrote this. Discuss. I think its pretty legit.