Hopeful

So I started reaching out....to a whole lot of people in a lot of ways that even I didn't understand at the time. I mean was fucking psychically screaming "SAVE ME" "HELP" me. Well, some people listened, and some things listened, and most were not so nice.

But, and this could be groupthink, or simple delusion or whatever you want to think, that's fine, i'm not here to try and impress anybody....but i was doing that....fucking begging for the way out of this madness.....and this sort of scream into the universe...well it led to the Joe Rogan interview that Maynard did....and looking back they were directly answering the questions i had, calmly and clearly, just part of the conversation..well, again i may not be the brightest bulb, whatever...and accurate self reflection was required to realize this, but i don't like being told what to do. so i didnt' hear it, also i wasn't thinking too clearly, obviously. It got to a point where maynard was talking and it was sort of a break from what they were talking about, and he began to address directly what it was i was begging for. Again, a whole lot of things could have been the reason for that sure, pure delusion, go with that that's fine.....and Rogan said something interesting right at that point, and he sort of had a interesting look on his face and he said, yeah sometimes you pick up someone else's record groove, somebody else's track. So i'm starting to realize....just intuitively at this point....maybe i gotta figure it myself, because even this amazing creative dude who seems to have a whole lot of really good ideas....it doesn't work that, i suppose i can only speak for myself, so it doesn't work like that for me.

So, within this lie that i had accepted it became easier and easier for people to get me to accept their bullshit and their lies, and a whole lot of those people did not have my best interest in mind. So these decisions I made within that context were done without accurate information....which naturally led to even darker and weirder and stranger places. It was anxiety....well ok, give me some fucking benzhos and i'll feel better. on and on....it reached a point where fear was making my decisions for me....leading deeper and deeper.

I even tried the old ways. I'm not kidding, i would drink 2/5ths of scotch a day......just to try and fucking black out and forget for a few hours. at least maybe get really stupid and stumble around and bounce off walls and shit. I couldn't. I was wide the fuck awake after that second 1/5 of scotch, could have passed a sobriety test if they didn't smell my breath. I didn't know wtf to do.