Delirium Color
01-17-2006, 10:08 AM
****DISCLAIMER****First, let me begin by stating that I believe art has at least three purposes, although I am sure there are more. #1. As the expressive outlet for the creator. #2. As a means of experiencing new emotions, thoughts, ideas, etc. as the one being receptive to the art. And #3. For the art to have an impact on society and it's values. This being said, I am not here to analise and interpret what TOOL ment when they wrote this song, because I don't know. I can only report what I felt and experienced as a result of listening to this song. With this disclaimer in place I will begin.
I remembered the song from the radio. I never knew the name of the song. I only called it the "I don't mind" one from TOOL. I wasn't a TOOL fan and the music was just on as background noise. I never "listened" to i. It wasn't until many years later after buying the album that I found out the name of the song and begin listening to it instead of having music as background noise.
So of course, like many, I first thought the song was about drugs. Eh, H.="H", Heroin, the white horse. Yeah I could see how it could be a drug song. "Days away I still feel you touching me, changing me." That's the way drugs work.
The more I listened to the album, the more this song became the poster child of the way I felt about the album. I swear I could feel my mind expanding with each listen. The way I began to view issues began changing. My mind was making new connections and I was growing as a person. I began to see the song as me in the middle of my old life and ideas and my new life and new experiences. And I was really happy with this.
Untill one day I was talking with my 16 year old son and thought, "Oh God, you are killing me." and then it hit me. All of the sudden the song took on a new and more profound meaning. To me, H. is about growing up to become a parent.
"What's coming through is alive"
Well duh, babies are alive when they are born
"What's holding up is a mirror"
Children are a part of us. They are the best of us. They also make us reflect upon our past because how can we parent if we haven't learned enough life lessons.
"But what's singing songs is a snake"
Clearly this is the narrator. I know this album is full of Jungian symbols and I don't know if the snake is one. But in my interpretation the snake is just the narrator before the realization that he will/have to change for the sake of his child.
"Looking to turn my piss to wine"
To me this speaks of turning something ordinary into something profound. Like the birth of a child.
"They're both totally void of hate"
Children are innocent. It isn't until we pervert them with all our crap that they begin to hate. Also, your past is incapable of hate because it is not alive, void of feeling.
"And killing me just the same"
This is the most important part of the song. The narrator knows that each end of the spectrum will being and end with a death of the self in some way. We are not the same people we were years, days, and even moments ago. Especially if we are living and growing. So parts of ourselves die. Even when we are doing destructive things to ourselves we kill parts of ourselves...maybe the parts that were innocent. These I believe are on the snake side. Then having children kill you as well. I think they kill the darker parts of the self. The pride, the ego. Although there are some parents that think they can be just the same people after having kids. But that is for another time.
" I am too connected to you to slip away, fade away."
The narrator is talking to the child saying " I've realized that I need to be here, in the present in the moment with you because you need me. I cannot slip back into my past and be selfish.
"Days away I still feel you, touching me, changing me. And concideratly killing me."
If you've ever experienced the birth of a child you can understand the complete transformation that takes over your being. You quit living for yourself and instead live for this being that is totally helpless and relies on you for every aspect of it's life. I believe this is what the narrator is saying. And again, killing the ego and the selfishness because that isn't condusive for parenting.
"Venomous voice, tempts me,
Drains me, bleeds me,
Leaves me cracked and empty.
Drags me down like some sweet gravity."
There's that darn temptation to revert back to the past. It is scary to give up yourself to something. The narrator is see-sawing back and forth. Wanting to have both, weighing the pro's and con's of both.
"And the snake is drowned and
As I look in his eyes,
My fear begins to fade
Recalling all of those times.
I could have cried then.
I should have cried then.
And as the walls come down and
As I look in your eyes
My fear begins to fade
Recalling all of the times
I have died
and will die.
It's all right.
I don't mind."
Very important. He has fully given in, forgoing his past. He has accepted that he has to change. The past has died. The child has been born into his father's "now". He has accepted that he will, by experiencing parenthood, die many times. And he tell the child that it's ok, I will do it for you because I am supposed to, because I love you.
Personal experience related to this song. Before I had my son I was a slut (yeah!), drug user and just generally a slacker. When I found out that I was pregnant I realized that I couldn't be like that anymore. I had always said that I was never going to have kids because of the crappy parenting I had. So I made it my mission to kill my past (although this most like happens subconsiously). I quit drugs and haven't used in over 16 years. I began finding out why I was so promiscuous (father issues) and began parenting classes to break the cycle of abuse. I was a different person when I gave birth to my son than when I was 9 months prior when I found out I was pregnant.
And I have died many times since then. With each new lesson learned and experience you kill off preconcieved notions or ideals that are not valid in your life. I guess this is what would be called "growing up".
I can also say that my son has died a few times as well. He is an angsty teen which is totally different from the silly, conciderate and empathetic child he was.
Many may think that dying is bad. We have a fear of death, of the unknown. But in this song dying isn't bad. It shows growth. It shows experience.
Ok so this isn't the most articulate piece of work. It is hard for me to put into words these feelings. I think you get the gist of it thought.
I remembered the song from the radio. I never knew the name of the song. I only called it the "I don't mind" one from TOOL. I wasn't a TOOL fan and the music was just on as background noise. I never "listened" to i. It wasn't until many years later after buying the album that I found out the name of the song and begin listening to it instead of having music as background noise.
So of course, like many, I first thought the song was about drugs. Eh, H.="H", Heroin, the white horse. Yeah I could see how it could be a drug song. "Days away I still feel you touching me, changing me." That's the way drugs work.
The more I listened to the album, the more this song became the poster child of the way I felt about the album. I swear I could feel my mind expanding with each listen. The way I began to view issues began changing. My mind was making new connections and I was growing as a person. I began to see the song as me in the middle of my old life and ideas and my new life and new experiences. And I was really happy with this.
Untill one day I was talking with my 16 year old son and thought, "Oh God, you are killing me." and then it hit me. All of the sudden the song took on a new and more profound meaning. To me, H. is about growing up to become a parent.
"What's coming through is alive"
Well duh, babies are alive when they are born
"What's holding up is a mirror"
Children are a part of us. They are the best of us. They also make us reflect upon our past because how can we parent if we haven't learned enough life lessons.
"But what's singing songs is a snake"
Clearly this is the narrator. I know this album is full of Jungian symbols and I don't know if the snake is one. But in my interpretation the snake is just the narrator before the realization that he will/have to change for the sake of his child.
"Looking to turn my piss to wine"
To me this speaks of turning something ordinary into something profound. Like the birth of a child.
"They're both totally void of hate"
Children are innocent. It isn't until we pervert them with all our crap that they begin to hate. Also, your past is incapable of hate because it is not alive, void of feeling.
"And killing me just the same"
This is the most important part of the song. The narrator knows that each end of the spectrum will being and end with a death of the self in some way. We are not the same people we were years, days, and even moments ago. Especially if we are living and growing. So parts of ourselves die. Even when we are doing destructive things to ourselves we kill parts of ourselves...maybe the parts that were innocent. These I believe are on the snake side. Then having children kill you as well. I think they kill the darker parts of the self. The pride, the ego. Although there are some parents that think they can be just the same people after having kids. But that is for another time.
" I am too connected to you to slip away, fade away."
The narrator is talking to the child saying " I've realized that I need to be here, in the present in the moment with you because you need me. I cannot slip back into my past and be selfish.
"Days away I still feel you, touching me, changing me. And concideratly killing me."
If you've ever experienced the birth of a child you can understand the complete transformation that takes over your being. You quit living for yourself and instead live for this being that is totally helpless and relies on you for every aspect of it's life. I believe this is what the narrator is saying. And again, killing the ego and the selfishness because that isn't condusive for parenting.
"Venomous voice, tempts me,
Drains me, bleeds me,
Leaves me cracked and empty.
Drags me down like some sweet gravity."
There's that darn temptation to revert back to the past. It is scary to give up yourself to something. The narrator is see-sawing back and forth. Wanting to have both, weighing the pro's and con's of both.
"And the snake is drowned and
As I look in his eyes,
My fear begins to fade
Recalling all of those times.
I could have cried then.
I should have cried then.
And as the walls come down and
As I look in your eyes
My fear begins to fade
Recalling all of the times
I have died
and will die.
It's all right.
I don't mind."
Very important. He has fully given in, forgoing his past. He has accepted that he has to change. The past has died. The child has been born into his father's "now". He has accepted that he will, by experiencing parenthood, die many times. And he tell the child that it's ok, I will do it for you because I am supposed to, because I love you.
Personal experience related to this song. Before I had my son I was a slut (yeah!), drug user and just generally a slacker. When I found out that I was pregnant I realized that I couldn't be like that anymore. I had always said that I was never going to have kids because of the crappy parenting I had. So I made it my mission to kill my past (although this most like happens subconsiously). I quit drugs and haven't used in over 16 years. I began finding out why I was so promiscuous (father issues) and began parenting classes to break the cycle of abuse. I was a different person when I gave birth to my son than when I was 9 months prior when I found out I was pregnant.
And I have died many times since then. With each new lesson learned and experience you kill off preconcieved notions or ideals that are not valid in your life. I guess this is what would be called "growing up".
I can also say that my son has died a few times as well. He is an angsty teen which is totally different from the silly, conciderate and empathetic child he was.
Many may think that dying is bad. We have a fear of death, of the unknown. But in this song dying isn't bad. It shows growth. It shows experience.
Ok so this isn't the most articulate piece of work. It is hard for me to put into words these feelings. I think you get the gist of it thought.