Stream of Conscious - Self-Defeating

[ShackledEidolon]

Once again I've decided to post another bit of writing. This like the other Stream of Conscious posts was written during the middle of the night as I awoke from slumber. I haven't taken any time to restructure these or to look for any real meaning in them as of yet. I've left them just as they were when I initially wrote them. Please take some time to read it and if you have any comments, ideas as to what this could mean, thoughts on how it may apply to you or someone you know, or if your just interested in the way these came about then please post them.

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Self-Defeating

What is this I’m feeling?
I can feel it within with unfamiliar shape

The words spring forth yet none can describe
I can’t name and hence I can’t know

(Scream)

And I weep
For I am confined

I am fettered
This feeling scares me and I don’t know why

Look again and it’s stronger
Look away and it’s fonder
And viscera twists and churns looking for an escape

Moments away and the shape is sharper
Moments together and this pain is harder
But compassion yearns and burdens the other

To give up now is unthinkable
I can’t turn aside now but it’s unbearable

I see your smile yet your shadow wields a knife
Viciously sharp yet delicately glinting

Get away from me
You’ll bring me pain

Leave and I will do the same
This that I feel inside is not mine

I know that it was yours
So take it with you

But it doesn’t go-it lingers on
Deep inside I’m left cold and hollow

(Scream)

And I weep
For I am alone

I am alone
This feeling scares me and I don’t know why

[haftelm]

some very strong imagery there, i like it.

[ombre-et-flamme]

hmm. that is nice. some of that suggests to me the issue of being bound and constrained to your flesh/body, whereas the "real" you, or the essence of you is in direct contrast to that. i say this especially considering the fact that your work arose in the night amidst sleep. certainly, you are much more free from your body as it lies unconscious.
and fear = uncertainty, maybe. some sort of blindness about it all. and fear could of course lead to more and more fearsome images, such as the knife-wielding shadow.

...just a stab in the dark... : )

[ShackledEidolon]

Thanks for the input that is an interesting take on it all. I can certainly see where your coming from here. I guess it could be seen as the realization that something is inside such as the "real" me that I have yet to define or know. It wants to be known so it manifests in many shapes outside of myself...such as you have mentioned the shadow figure with a knife...Seems that as attention is placed on it becomes stronger and as it is ignored the desire to know increases and so the feeling compounds on itself resulting in the physical churning of the guts...etc.

Im having trouble deciding which one (body, mind) is saying that compassion yearns and burdens the other...it could be the mind saying it about the body...such as relationships. As in looking to pacify the yearning with a relationship rather then face the emptiness...or it could be the minds yearning for completeness that denies and thus burdens the physical body. The way the ending goes seems to lead to the first...and blaming the relationship for the discontentment...when in fact it is the uncertainty already there.

Let me know what you think...im interested to know. Again as stated before I haven't come up with a definite meaning for any of these Stream of Conscious writings...so any input would be good and would allow me to explore my own writing further. Thanks

[ArthurDent]

"Know thyself."

-Socrates

It's actually much harder to do than it sounds. In my 17 years of existence, I have barely scratched the surface of myself. I'm not trying to sound egotistical; I'm just saying that we are complex creatures, so complex, in fact, that it takes more than one human lifetime for one to begin to understand oneself fully. A useful tool (no pun intended) for figuring youself out is the Jungian (yes, <i>that</i> Jung) Personality Test. I found it to be very accurate and helpful.

[ShackledEidolon]

Yeah Jung is a pretty interesting guy. I've read quite a lot about and by him in the last few years. One thing however that should be noted...if your interezted in Jung then don't become a psychology major...Neo-Freudianism is almost taboo it seems. hence why I've double majored in Psychology/Philosophy. Helps to get a healthy dose of both sides...and occasionally get to read something about an interesting man and his ideas.

Out of curiosity have you found and online version of the test? Is it self administered?