Please critique my poem, will you?

[Sarcasm]

" FOUR DEGREES TO A RELATIONSHIP "


Whole
and I am glad to experience you
ideal
you are flawless
adept, and beyond comparison
You never cease to bowl me over
I will never fail you

Ideal
your exactly what I was created for
whole
I would live after life, forever alive
Never dying or resting
so you will never be alone.
I will surround you.

Truth
it's all the same in the end
aware
You're a classic example of irrefutable damage
that love can cause
You blur the lines between pain and emotion
I never know when I am bleeding or crying

Aware
My eyes must have blinked
truth
Your an illusion of a utopian life that will never be
because of reality
but despite your pillage of desire
I still have passion for your kind.

[Thrakandor]

What do you mean by critique?

Comments on the meaning, or the structure, or...?

I would try and tighten up the form, maybe giving the lines a bit more flow

I don't know how much liberty with it you want me to take...

I could offer some ideas for some changes if you want, but if you don't want me messing with your work, I'd understand, no worries.

What are you looking for?

[Sarcasm]

Tell me what you like and dont like about it.

[ShackledEidolon]

I like how the "whole" relationship embodies the ideal parts of a relationship. And an ideal relationship must be whole. The truth is derived from the awareness of the situation and the awareness allows a glimpse of the truth. All parts are inter dependent

Are these degrees linear as im seeing them here? Is it before a relationship or even in the beginning there is a complete ignorance of anything but the ideal and therfore a fantasy image is created which lures you blindly into the situation. You see the way you think it SHOULD be and thus it is the ideal form but in reality the relationship is never ideal it is filled with problems and new thoughts and directions. You still have desire for the ideal and feel that it should still exist within the imperfect and thus your feeling/yearning is never satiated?

Its very good...I enjoy the format you chose

[ShackledEidolon]

After glancing at it again I noted something else you did. You started each section with an idea then a single sentence related directly to it...followed by the second idea and its definition or revelation. Very well done. Did you begin by writing each section as a whole and then switching the lines out or was this down intentionally to begin with?

[Sarcasm]

Originally posted by ShackledEidolon

Are these degrees linear as im seeing them here?

Its very good...I enjoy the format you chose


Yes. It is like it says, the four degrees to a relationship. You meet someone, think they're perfect, then reality sets in and you move on to the next relationship.

Thank you. :)

Originally posted by ShackledEidolon
After glancing at it again I noted something else you did. You started each section with an idea then a single sentence related directly to it...followed by the second idea and its definition or revelation. Very well done. Did you begin by writing each section as a whole and then switching the lines out or was this down intentionally to begin with?

I did it intentionally.

[raiSINgirl420]

Aware
My eyes must have blinked
truth
Your an illusion of a utopian life that will never be
because of reality

now that is beauty.

i really like the format you used, is it your own?

nice work.

[Sarcasm]

Originally posted by raiSINgirl420
Aware
My eyes must have blinked
truth
Your an illusion of a utopian life that will never be
because of reality

now that is beauty.

i really like the format you used, is it your own?

nice work.


Yes the format is my own. I try to use a different one everytime I write something. Thank you very much for the kind words, I will try to post more of my work in the coming days.