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View Full Version : My attempts at poetry! squared!


Aenimal
02-10-2003, 04:05 PM
I've titled my first one Moral exemption. I think the title becomes self-explanitory.

Moral Exemption

Conjured up in archaic minds of Mesopotamia,
the time-honored yet dreaded notion of theology
has brought us comfort, fear, hope and death
But we haven't abandoned it, haven't outgrown it...

Entire societies taught by covert fascists
Speaking and hearing of a sole religion.
Hypocritical demons in angels' clothes,
Preaching of war and non-existing dangers.

Ordered by Pope Opportunist the Devious
Legions of unquestioning warriors wore the cross
As they departed to the holy land in quest
To conquer and slaughter the Turks and Arabs.

"Kill them all; for the Lord knoweth those that are His."
They spoke upon the hills of the languedoc,
Land of eccentric knowledge, belief and ethic,
As they slew aloft one million potential innocents.

"In God we trust!" Is all they argued
And they became exempt of all sins,
exempt of all guilt,
exempt of all morality.

500 ages sooner, Christendom fell upon The aboriginals.
Like a blazing wildfire, they spread across the lands
As though by god's will, they confiscated all
From animals to women to lands to liberty to souls!

"In God we trust!" Is all they argued
And they became exempt of all sins,
exempt of all guilt,
exempt of all morality.

And then came the revered burning ages!
Fueled by holy heresies and superstitious duties,
a tidal wave of pagan shrieks of anguish rose,
and swept Europe as believers lit their fires.

"In God we trust!" Is all they argued
And they became exempt of all sins,
exempt of all guilt,
exempt of all morality.

Now we dwell in anxiety, dispersed on the 11th of 9.
From the "heavens" came a vindictive steel hailstorm
which struck the modern heart of elderly knowledge.
Upon York, the suspected Jachin and Boaz descended.

"For Allah!" Is all they proclaimed
And they became exempt of all sins,
exempt of all guilt
exempt of all life.

Now, as far as this one goes, i consider it to still be incomplete. Hell i started from 10 000 years ago to today in only a few verses. I skipped way to many other important events that belong in here. But frankly im only in 11th grade and still don't have enough knowledge on other relevant events. Plus my intentions are in no way precisely anti-catholic, it might seem that way because most of the events revolve around crhistianity, but that's only because being raised a catholic in north america, you don't really learn much about other religions. Infact you learn jack shit and if you want to you practicaly have to research them yourself. My real intentions mainly anti-hypocrisy and blind faith. I probly won't ever finish this one for years to come.


The second is called The reverence. This one revolves, metaphoricly, around personnal events.

The reverence

Upon high pedestals of Olympus
Lays a treasure so gracious
that, to luckily witness
would leave speechless.

A bounty so long sought
that invisibility's thought
brought upon distraught
yet acceptance taught.

And so I waited. . .

Then clouds began to clear.
Godly gates began to veer.
It's path drowned in fear
Of a moment to revere
Of a moment to adhere
And risk words of a tear.

And yet I waited. . .

Alas, The climb was in vain.
For a lonely delusion of reign
Earned me soothing disdain,
A darkening vitality drain
A temporal psycho-stain,
And a harsh truth to ascertain

Yet as I regress to a state anterior
I travel as a melancholic winner
Of a blooming complex inferior.
Still, for this prize, I pine for her.

And I wait. . .

To the gamblers of my odds;
You are not the Gods!

If chance should have it
Let me receive it
Let her bring it
Let her say it
Let me live it

But, with her choice, I will not meddle.
With her happiness I will settle.

And I wait. . .

"Wait no longer..."




thoughts?

Sarcasm
02-11-2003, 01:45 AM
Fucking great man. I liked 'em both.

Aenimal
02-11-2003, 02:44 PM
Thanks, anyone else have anything to say? anything?

Doesn't have to be advice or criticism or anything i'd pleased with just a general consensus of "i like it" or "bah"or something.

ShackledEidolon
02-11-2003, 03:20 PM
I don't really think that you need to add anymore to the first one. It conveys its point effectivly as is.

The second one is very good, very easy to relate to, and seems like a process of coming to gripse with the situation at hand.

Aenimal
02-11-2003, 05:34 PM
Well, it's not that the message isn't well conveyed. It's that i feel it doesn't give the whole story, and concentrates too much on one culture(or sub-culture depending on how you view the world). My idea is to create a kind of historical overview through poetry and at the same time convey a lesson through it. Kind of like Fréchette's la légende d'un peuple, except more global and less whiny.

raiSINgirl420
02-12-2003, 01:18 AM
11th grade??? keep writing, keep on writing, i esp like the first one. the second stanza in that is amazing. great work.