subtle intervention

[UnderADeadOHSky]

the young man damnable wrote some poetry on this forum that was interesting to read. i had thought of writing but did not know how people would react to my writings. i have been writing poetry and song for 6 years now and a few have actually turned into working projects with some of my musical groups. so i wish to get feedback on a few ideas that i have. maybe some opinions or suggestions on my writing style would help me become a better writer/composer. so here goes.

tomorrow was a tragic thought
one that left me wide and open
reminds me of the wars ive fought
within myself, i and i were broken
so young to think id won it all
too numb to know i hadnt
so inside myself failing to recall
this inner-struggle redundant

this cant be
ive left the sense of reason
within the realm of charity
im smothered by my own
excessive self-reflection and
under a thousand eyes
ive become so nervous
to the fact that i created
my self-imposed religion

tomorrow became a lethargic art
a third of me left stagnant
informs me of the scars ive bought
inside myself, i and i left fragment
so frail to know id forgotten all
too naive to guess i hadnt
so beside myself flailing not to fall
this inner-cry undulant

mzp 02

so there it is. i hope your feedback is kind. be mature with your responses. the more you inform me of what you think and the better you write it the more i can take from each response and grow. thank you.

[UnderADeadOHSky]

i accidentaly stated that damnable wrote the poems when in actuality it was darkspiral. sorry for the inconvinience.

[damnable]

I think your poem there is great. My only suggestion would be some punctuation and capitalization - that way the reader will know where to pause and where there should be emphasis. The "train of thought" school of writing has definitely produced some really good work, but there is much to be said for meaningful punctuation.
Ex.

"i went to the store so I could
kill two birds with one stone
those traitors"

becomes

"I went to the store so I could
kill two birds with one. Stone
Those traitors."

Slightly different meaning, leaves ambiguity (i.e. kill two birds with one bird). It's really difficult to make suggestions to another poet about style, especially when your style is as rooted as mine in the meaning. Keep writing and cheers.

[UnderADeadOHSky]

thanks damnable. i choose not to use punctuation for the very reason you stated. i use it in some of my work but for the most part i just dont like it. thank you for your thoughts though.

here is another:

sew a smile closed
a word just left me
rotting and confused
one nail through my
hand.

hold a martyr far
i just sold my faith
avarice and contempt
one nail through my
hand.

choke a groan forget
ecstasy just filled us
moaning and subdued
one nail through both
feet.

embrace a love ingest
one moment for only
screaming and abused
one thorned halo on a
head.

coming a roar upset
the pinnacle within us
blessed and ecstatic
one spear through the
rib.

you and i we found it here.
everytime we breathe.
driving the nails farther.

mzp 02

[UnderADeadOHSky]

can we watch her ions float to nothing?
is there really a circuit connecting?
mother may i place another quarter,
she rejects my change, she's ovulating.

can a machine develop cancer?
so overused and oblivious it runs,
i wish i could make her stare elsewhere,
her automaton eyes make me cry.

maybe there is a virus in her system?
a database rotting if it could,
i know electricity isn't blood no matter,
are her processors shutting down for good?

this machine has not been oiled for ages,
gears succumb to weather and neglect,
her life parallels most of our humanity,
all in all who is the designated defect?

mother may i plug myself in now?
my battery seems to be getting low,
i will pray before i shut myself down,
focusing on a electric cross that glows.

can i touch her wires when she's dismantled?
dissected and relabeled for shipment,
what she was is in bins and trashcans,
an intricate life made waste and fragment.

her crowd grew smaller diffussion of the masses,
her smile wasn't enough to sedate,
and every child that threw a rock made certain,
the appeal to the audience in debate.

this life a model maybe a prototype,
what is not trusted isn't real,
to be a machine and live unhindered,
in the end it has so little to appeal.

mzp 03'

[Rice]

woah, you're amazing. i really like the second one you posted

[UnderADeadOHSky]

thank you for your comments. i have read your work as well and find it interesting and unique. i enjoy reading your work so keep posting. never stop expressing yourself.

[Rice]

thank you. and i enjoy yours as well. you're very talented yourself.

i shall post more later :)
and you too! i'd love to read more of your writings

[UnderADeadOHSky]

her footsteps led me to believe
she was something more than human
human she was and she decieved
my heart cursed and left molded

to think a voice so seraphic
could seep such venom subtle
as loud as heaven, stale as hell
she almost left me humble.

her eyes held so much malice
softly hidden by veils of love
her tears made life so tragic
an example of fear i was.

she left me stagnant, raped
so used and oblivious i am
across rotting flesh silk draped
i stood mystified and dumb.

an object so sweet and frail
made me leave all that i knew
reality became her, i have failed
a box of man i am refused

it took some time to diagnose
the reasons for her actions
to become a cancer from a rose
the root of her evil was Christian.

mzp03'

[UnderADeadOHSky]

this color excites me
i find comfort in the
this shade is subtle
this pigment lovely
i am so easily drawn
like a bloody picture

take me into your
deep red soul
show me your wisdom
in your deep red hole

this color reminds me
a pain so insecure
this variant on normalcy
has left me drunk
i am so easily painted
like a bloody picture

take me into your
deep red soul
show me your divinity
in your deep red hole.

mzp 03

[Velvet Decay]

wow....

[UnderADeadOHSky]

Thank you for the wow. I appreciate it very much. feel free to give me more feedback in the future too. lol.

[Velvet Decay]

you're welcome..
im sorry for the shortness of words...
they were great.. i like them all .. especially the third one.. i will re read them.. they overwhelmed me thats why i was so short...
hey.. i could be like my fiance... if you ask him how a movie or a song is.. he will more than likely respond (every time) with .." It didn't suck"
LMAO!

[psyco_jeter]

dude those were really good. do u have any more? i do the same kinda stuff as you. thats really cool. what kinda musical groups are you in. like, what do you play?

[UnderADeadOHSky]

I listen to a lot of different music. Mostly Led Zeppelin these days. Finding a lot of great sounds from their music. Obvious bands include; Tool, APC, Meshuggah, Collide, Black Sabbath, Paradise Lost, Dimmu Borgir, Tori Amos, and a few assorted others.

[raiSINgirl420]

are really good.
i esp like the 4th stanza in divine cancer. :) but the whole poem is great.

i go back and forth between using punc and caps too, usually it is all lower case letters though. sometimes i use punc and sometimes i don't. only suggestion i wouldn't leave out the apostrophes, i dunno looks sloppy but the rest of the non-usage is Aokay with me.
nice work.

[UnderADeadOHSky]

given the time of day i
think there is a new vein
one twist and knots to place
a smile on the face of maggots
decay to decide my
indecisive methods of
dreaming and crying

dreaming and crying
of misdirected lethargy
decompose to sing-a-long
oh so sorrow marrow weeps
given the time of year i
believe i am screeching
to a dead still lapse

mzp03'

[euthanasia]

Brother.

[Anima]

My House

There is an aching in my soul
Twisting up around my spine
It’s painting flowers in the sand
On a beach I build myself
By a house I call my own

The house has no doors
Only windows to the world
There is no colours either
For the world paints it
And it shimmers many shades

The rooms are filled with life
My life poured into every corner
And splashed brilliantly on the walls
The rooms are all filled with love
And an aching for the truth

Yet these rooms have no doors
There is no way in except to climb
And scramble furiously up and about
Through each delicately designed window
Into the creation of my mind that I have wrought

Into this house I call my own
I often dwell peacefully at night
But it has no address or location
For it is nestled and hidden softly
Hidden deep and silent within my mind

[UnderADeadOHSky]

i like the imagry you have in that piece. very subtle and flowing. post some more. i enjoy reading others work very much. never stop expressing yourself.

[Anima]

Uncle Arthur

I still can feel chill in the winds that blow
from the rains that fell down so long ago
a time when uncle and I did converse
about the sources of the secrets of the universe
the colours, these stones, these shades mean nothing to the sun

All the while you never spoke
sat upon that rock and never spoke
nouns and verbs were never spoken
the silence here was never broken
cause of you my uncle
I am awake
we have awaken

It is known through remembrance
that day I lay upon that rock
a seed was formed and tossed pure
the storm clouds parted to add moisture
inspiration poured down from the crystal sky
that day the rain came pouring down

the farmers found they could stop their labour
relax their muscle from the strain and gain favour
and down came the rain
down came the rain and the ground did not thirst

All the while you never spoke
sat upon that rock and never spoke
nouns and verbs were never spoken
the silence here was never broken
cause of you my uncle
I am awake
we have awaken

the shepard can now walk in fields with his sheep
he is free to relax now, play, laugh, and be free
he no longer has to keep the wolves at bay
for the rains came and his troubles washed away

the prophet turned his gaze to the sky as the rain came down
it feel to the east and west and blanketed the ground all around
the morning after, the dew hovered across, the lawn across the way, to give insight to the dawn of the next coming day

All the while you never spoke
sat upon that rock and never spoke
nouns and verbs were never spoken
the silence here was never broken
cause of you my uncle
I am awake
we have awaken

now the prophet leads his people across the desert land
through the blizzard and sand that heaps in dunes
he is their saviour, he is their guide, it is written in the runes
of his people, of the desert, of the sands of time

still the rains fall forty days and crimson nights
the leader of this fallout sees the future to come
for the people of the prophet, of the desert, children of the sun
and the rains fell to the ground without a thirst, soaking mother earth

All the while you never spoke
sat upon that rock and never spoke
nouns and verbs were never spoken
the silence here was never broken
cause of you my uncle
I am awake
we have awaken

The prophet sacrifices his life for the father of his people
so that they may finally understand someday when
the rains pour down from above and soak them within
that we are all seeds sewn by the same divine hand


Now Uncle Art, dear father of insight, guide us through this new millennia,
enlight, hold our hand through each step along this sandy shores
so we can move closer to you, uncle, lead us through the gate, past the meadows of memories
of what could have been our fate. So help us heal what's real, this scab upon the face of our evolution.

All the while you never spoke
sat upon that rock and never spoke
nouns and verbs were never spoken
the silence here was never broken
cause of you my uncle
I am awake
we have awaken

Lets evolve, and take this to the edge.
Just like our uncle back upon the ledge
of the rock, perched upon everything
that has come to be.

[UnderADeadOHSky]

Nice Anima. It has a good message to it. A story, a parable you could say that conveys the needs and desire of many in the world. Keep posting. never stop expressing yourself.

[psyco_jeter]

ya man that was a good poem,

[munted_soul]

pwnto.