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damnable
12-28-2002, 10:42 PM
I just thought about masturbation, in the literary sense. That is, work that has no other purpose than to please the author. It would be interesting to know that people out there are actually changing the world, but to sit at a computer and write about how much the world or its music or its pop stars or its assholes suck is frankly masturbatory and if there is no action behind it. Sad to say, but much of my posting has been purely masturbatory. I would like to extend my apologies to the readers of tdn. I hope I didn't get any on you.

...And now for something completely different, in much the same spirit.

I saw a sign one day that said "NO SKATEBOARDING", so I did what any self-respecting skater would do and put a "K" before the "N" in "NO" and a "W" after the "O" with permanent marker. "KNOW SKATEBOARDING" - get it? I was so proud of myself. I bucked the system - no one saw me and I got away scot-free. Therefore it cost me nothing. I pissed on the lawn of a fraternity once. Nobody saw me. I felt like a champ, drunk as a loon, pissing on the established order. There were no fines, no ass-kickings, nothing. Where were the consequences? I went back to the sign the other day and there was a new sign that said "SKATEBOARDERS WILL BE PROSECUTED" and there is a patch of bright green grass on the frat-house lawn now, amid the broken bottles and used condoms. I was unseen in my protest and the oppression only grew. I was silent for awhile, then I decided to really shake things up...

FInish the story with something true, either inspired by the story or an actual example of action that changed something and you win...your own fucking freedom. I win, too, because perhaps I'll be inspired to actually do something instead of hiding behind my words. That's right, I admit it and am the first to find fault with myself. But somebody's got to have balls, right?

Flogsworth
12-28-2002, 11:40 PM
not girls

damnable
12-29-2002, 12:04 AM
Very clever, flogsworth. I was referring to basketballs, though, and as we all know, girls can play at much the same level as boys. They even have their own women's NBA. Isn't that exciting, huh? It would be soooo cool to watch Cheryl Swoopes vs. Michael Jordan in a one-on-one. I bet Cheryl would win, though, because Mike would be tripping over his enormous basketballs. Wanna hear a joke that I heard from a movie?
"Knock, knock."

"Who's there."

[Pause for effect] "Go fuck yourself."

YGOfvn
12-29-2002, 12:05 AM
At I first I thought I'd... just keep going. I spent days thinking of what letters I could add to that sign to somehow turn the meaning around. I wondered how a fratboy would react after realizing he had just tried to score with a man. I imagined every authority, every careless sheep, and most importanly: every missed opportunity in my life balled into one glittery, reptilian demon.
One later day, I went back to that sign... standing, holding my skateboard. My facial expression went from disgruntled, to angry, to just depressed.
I had a friend that made motorbikes.

...

He had access to hot burning liquid metal.
We took a vat of it to the sign... and smeared it over the face of it. We took three more poles and three more flat peices of metal. We lined them up as identical signs on the side of the road.
On the first sign I made a large "L". Below it I wrote the words "...line up the innocent on the wall.". On the second sign I made an "I". Below it I wrote "...inside you is nothing.". The third was a "V". Below was just one word: "vanity?". On the last sign was a large "E", again, with just one word below it: "essence?"
LIVE

Again, I was unseen in my protest.

YGOfvn
12-29-2002, 12:08 AM
... should we continue?

48&2
12-30-2002, 10:10 PM
no
































(jk)

josh
01-14-2003, 11:15 PM
Does any one know what this thread is actually about? I really don't. I think it's a random thread so people can rant about how much they hate Tool fan wannabes and how the price of milk has nearly doubled since they did the milk run when they were 12 in the year 19 hundred and 71.

I can't think of anything to rant about except the shite state of the music industry at the moment. In the 90's everyone accepted that the 80's was one of the worst decades since the 20's. But to be perfectly honest with you, the 90's was real poor. Nothing interesting happened in the 90's except for the fact that people wandered the streets wishing they were black and they had a ghetto. And as we enter the year 2003 things aren't looking at all good. The 00's are going to be at least as bad as the 90's. I think the 20's will be cool. But by the time they come along... I'll be too damn old to be cool.

I think it's all to be blamed on MTV. Because lets face it. Music is the driving force behind popular culture.

bottom_feeder99
01-15-2003, 12:53 AM
Well I think we god damn well should.

Peekay
01-15-2003, 12:06 PM
I think there's shitty music in every decade. Popular opinion says the 80s sucked, and well, its true, there was some meaningless garbage, but there was talent too. Metallica, Slayer, Iron Maiden...even if you don't like them, they're still excellent musicians.
There was crap in the 90s, for sure, but of course, there was good stuff too. Radiohead is a popular band, so is tool, and neither have lost any of their integrity. If you think the mainstream popular music sucks, who cares? why are you even paying attention to it then

josh
01-15-2003, 04:13 PM
How can you avoid paying attention to it? It's fuking everywhere, TV, radio, movies. I fucking walk around my local shopping center and its there. There are constant reminders walking around of how poor the times we live in are. Of course there are always good bands in every decade. But in some decades they are the vast minority.

Cronos
01-15-2003, 05:46 PM
Everything was back to "Skateboarders will be prosecuted.", so I did what any other little rebel would do, got out my magic marker, covered over Skate, then the a in boarders, and finally the s after borders. I wrote jumpers above border and will be, and placed an arrow from it pointing in between border and will.

I then got the sign yanked from the ground, and placed it right in the ground in front of a Taco Bell.

CONTINUE! What could possibly happen next?

mosquito
01-15-2003, 06:07 PM
Originally posted by damnable
Wanna hear a joke that I heard from a movie?
"Knock, knock."

"Who's there."

[Pause for effect] "Go fuck yourself."


catch me if you can.

ArthurDent
01-15-2003, 07:21 PM
I thought I was clever with my sign changing, yes siree. Not only did I screw over the oppressive city government, but I also screwed over Taco Bell, the worst fast food place ever!
When the news came on during the next evening, I eagerly awaited the story about my vandalism. After sitting through stories like "George W. Bush becomes first president to get a perfect bowling score" and "The Mexoiiousodfns, an obscure cult, say that Jesus and his lover, Muhammad, will return riding on a comet in the year 3068, according to their calendar," I knew that MY STORY would be the big story of the news. I mean, Christ, if that shit was newsworthy, then my rebellion definitely was, right?
I stared at the screen, blank-faced, as the credits rolled. No big story. As a matter of fact, there wasn't any story at all. Didn't these people care? Didn't they realize that I was trying to overthrow the shackles of their oppressive, "no skateboarding" world order?
Right then and there, an idea popped into my head. Maybe, if I actually got the "No Skateborading" sign LEGALLY taken down, I would make the news. "Local skater changes city ordinance." Awww yeah.
I hopped on my board and skated down to city hall. I went inside, set down my skateboard, and sidled up to a secretary's desk.
"Hey, I wanna see the mayor," I said.
"Do you have an appointment?"
"Nope."
"You'll have to come back later, honey. You can't just waltz in here and talk to the mayor."
"Why not?"
The secretary pondered this for a moment. No one had ever asked her anything like that before.
"Well, erm, you see, he's uh, a really busy man, and, well, you know...and stuff," replied the secretary.
Noticing a door in the corner of the lobby marked "Mayor's Office," I started walking toward it.
"Hey, wait, stop, you can't go in there..." said the secretary, weakly.
I pushed open the door and walked into the office.

...TO BE CONTINUED BY THE REST OF YOU PEOPLE

p.s. You can expect some commentary from me after this story gets finished.

Cronos
01-16-2003, 06:12 PM
As I entered I noticed the room was completely vacant. What the hell is this? No Mayor sitting on his fat ass throwing darts at legal documents and new oppressive things to enforce?

I hear a loud slam from behind me and there backed against the door was that HOT secretary. I mean DAAAAMNIT! I didn't notice before because she was sitting down and behind a desk.

*Insert porno music here*

She slowly walks towards me, and smirks. "Now you've done it you naughty boy." I couldn't help but smile, a hot secretary was coming on to me. My heart began to race. She stopped in front of me and pushed me backwards forcefully as I landed on the mayors rolly chair. I rolled back into the wall. The secretary jumps into my lap and flicks her hair back, I didn't know what to do and she begins to speak again.


"I know it was you that did that vandalism to the no skateboarding sign and turned it into a racial stereotype in front of Taco Bell. I could get you in a lot of trouble mister."

I open my mouth to speak, and then...my voice breaks...

YOU GUYS TAKE IT FROM HERE!

Mark D
01-18-2003, 09:22 AM
"I know it was you that did that vandalism to the no skateboarding sign and turned it into a racial stereotype in front of Taco Bell. I could get you in a lot of trouble mister."

I open my mouth to speak, and then...my voice breaks...

YOU GUYS TAKE IT FROM HERE!

The hot secretary and I start banging like chimpanzees on acid.

the reverend
01-18-2003, 09:36 AM
The hot secretary pushed me up against the wall. I looked her right in the eyes but all i could think about were her now fully erect nipples rubbing up against mine. I reached to kiss her. Her neck was so beautiful, until i felt something. An opening? I wasnt sure. I grasped as her neck and realised that the hot secretary was in fact wearing a mask. Without thinking I pulled the mask up only to find....

TAKE IT FROM HERE.

Cronos
01-18-2003, 12:41 PM
only to find an UGLY secretary with erect nipples rubbing against mine. My stiffy slowly began to die down, and I just was left there in dismay. Before she was about to say anything, I just said to her, "It'll take a few bottles of vodka but I think I can do this." The secretary leaves the room running with her breasts bouncing up and down. At least there's a plus to her. I sat waiting for the secretary to come back with vodka or anything to get me liquored up enough for this task, and then...

GO GO GO MOVE IT!

Ahnijson_films
01-21-2003, 05:39 PM
A) I have this odd feeling you guys are mocking the original poster...

B) If you're not, how is this TooL related in any way? How is this something that belongs here? I don't get it. I love porno as much as the next gal, but um, on a toolshed opinion letters write something postive page?






Well... ok... I guess it is positive... none the less, I have a feeling this belongs in Playboy's Hot Letters section, not here.

Cronos
01-21-2003, 05:48 PM
You're a girl that watches porno? Girls have always told me I'm a dirt bag for looking at erotic movies.

Oh, and it's a positive post...positively arousing.

the reverend
01-21-2003, 06:06 PM
Originally posted by Cronos
Oh, and it's a positive post...positively arousing.

True that..
So is someone gonna continue the story.
It cant end there!!

Ahnijson_films
01-21-2003, 06:07 PM
Girls just say that porno is "sick" and blah blah because they are programmed to. It's ridiculous. Girls are very similar sexually to men, it is just less acceptable in our (female) culture to be overtly sexual than it is in yours. I have dated guys that have had sex with 50+ girls, and it's really no big deal to them. But if I say 3 I am edging on sluttiness. It's an unfair double standard, and I really blame its existance on the female population, not men.

I'll say it time and time again... girls are dumb.

Cronos
01-21-2003, 06:33 PM
Originally posted by Ahnijson_films
I'll say it time and time again... girls are dumb.

Yea, but I kinda already knew that. But they're still fun for a good fuck.

Oh, and someone else has to continue the story Reverend...I finished it off...I'm sorry. Maybe Ahnijson_films will be so kind to show us just how much porno's she's enjoyed.

Whatever it is, someone finish the damn porno. It was just getting interesting.

Oh, and Tool is a cool band, See You Auntie!

Ahnijson_films
01-21-2003, 06:47 PM
I hate to do this in Letters, where people are attempting to enlighten one another in matters of the psyche, rather than matters of the crotch.

However, none of us is above sex.

So perhaps we should continue this in email.

[email protected]

(And I just zinged someone in another post for turning this into a lame sex thing! I am such a hypocrite sometimes).

Cronos
01-21-2003, 07:18 PM
You shouldn't give your email so openly on a message board whilst speaking of sex. Now you can expect a dozen or so people E-mailing you saying, "This is Cronos, and I want to sex you up baby, I'm a built construction worker, and..."

Maybe it's not to late to make a new address...

Ahnijson_films
01-21-2003, 07:27 PM
I have a feeling the amount of "I want to sex you up baby" letters that I would receive from this website will never equal the amount of porno ads I get daily. I'm not too worried about it.

And what makes you (cronos) so sure I wanted to have the discussion with you in the first place?


And... if anyone stupid does decide to write me and pretend to be you, hopefully they will not say they are a built construction worker. Because my preference lies with bald, passionate singers.

Cronos
01-21-2003, 07:35 PM
I was just being a funny guy. Laughs were intended.

Ahnijson_films
01-21-2003, 07:38 PM
I appologize if that came across rudely Cronos, I was kidding. I just reread it and realized what a bitch that sounded like. Sorry.

Cronos
01-21-2003, 07:58 PM
No harm done, I didn't really get offended. I just didn't want myself to come off that I was expecting something that I really shouldn't.

But really people, back to the whole topic at hand.

Someone continue the story, I really thought I had something funny going on.

damnable
01-26-2003, 03:51 PM
She comes back, bottle of vodka in hand. She seems to be carrying another bag, with something else in it, but my eyes are glued to her ample bosom, which is now moving toward me. "Goodness," I cry, as she proceeds to open the bottle, pour it into a thermos, and oh my, where is she putting the bottle now? Whoa.

Oh, fuck it, I'm this far, might as well, methinks as I unzip my trousers, simultaneously pulling a long one from the thermos.

We go at it like monkeys on speed and I feel that the time is coming. Unfortunately, the motion of this ocean has given me a bit of sea-sickness and as I come I feel the compelling urge to vomit, followed by a stream of clearish, acrid spew from my mouth. I tell the secretary that I'm going to find something to wipe her off with, but instead...

Go for it, and Ahnijson was right, you guys either missed the point or are mocking me. Either way, the story has developed in its own way and "no one is above sex." Add details to the scene if you want, just don't get any on your keyboard.

josh
01-26-2003, 05:19 PM
This is like a Monty Python sketch when they get to silly. Some British army guy walks onto the set and close the sketch down because its to silly. Fuck I love that guy.

volcano lance
01-26-2003, 11:08 PM
Originally posted by ArthurDent

I stared at the screen, blank-faced, as the credits rolled. No big story. As a matter of fact, there wasn't any story at all. Didn't these people care? Didn't they realize that I was trying to overthrow the shackles of their oppressive, "no skateboarding" world order?
Yeah, to bad that the news cant stand having another mindless deuchebag in it. Bush has that covered.

Cronos
01-27-2003, 12:40 PM
Originally posted by damnable
She comes back, bottle of vodka in hand. She seems to be carrying another bag, with something else in it, but my eyes are glued to her ample bosom, which is now moving toward me. "Goodness," I cry, as she proceeds to open the bottle, pour it into a thermos, and oh my, where is she putting the bottle now? Whoa.

Oh, fuck it, I'm this far, might as well, methinks as I unzip my trousers, simultaneously pulling a long one from the thermos.

We go at it like monkeys on speed and I feel that the time is coming. Unfortunately, the motion of this ocean has given me a bit of sea-sickness and as I come I feel the compelling urge to vomit, followed by a stream of clearish, acrid spew from my mouth. I tell the secretary that I'm going to find something to wipe her off with, but instead...

Go for it, and Ahnijson was right, you guys either missed the point or are mocking me. Either way, the story has developed in its own way and "no one is above sex." Add details to the scene if you want, just don't get any on your keyboard.

but instead she tells me to lick it off, I begin to vomit again, all...over her...."GODDAMNIT! That's pretty goddamn repugnant." she cries out. I wipe my mouth and apologize. She reassures me she's not mad, and tells me she's going back to her place to shower. I use my shirt to wipe the spew from her body, and she dresses, and I put on my pants. We get into her car heading for her house, when we arrive she heads in the shower, and I begin brushing my teeth.

As I spit I feel something wet pressing up against my body...

I don't think I missed the point at all, I just decided to have a little fun with the title and create some self imposed irony. I purposely tried to divert the path of the story, as everyone tried to ruin my fun, so I kept pressing forward to ruin theirs, and pervert things.

Rice
01-28-2003, 08:55 PM
i wanna make a place called the Masturbatory where people can go to just masturbate/have sex with anyone legally. and it'll be fun :)