Background Music aka White Noise.

[Lithium]

Ok, it's 2:3o am. I have gotta sleep soon, but I'll post more if this intrigues anyone enough.

I first started listening to Tool when Lateralus came out. I bought it for my friend's birthday, and of course I burned it to my computer. I didn't really pay attention to the full depth and expansion of this album for a pittifully long time. It took me a couple months of it being White Noise on my computer as I was on the internet for me to understand that there was a little more to the surface. I had never heard of Tool. I saw a video of theirs once. When I was like, 11. After I actually had listened to the album, I became overwhelmingly enthralled. The Patient became my mantra (ha ha funny pun) as I had only half a year left in high school and incidentally with my mother. I could not stand being there. I would shake my desk in fury that I was not free.

So I learned patience first. I learned to let go second. I didn't get as far as feeling blessed to be alive. My life turned to shit and I stopped listening to Lateralus; all music really.

Now music is that White Noise I play in the car on the way from and to work. I don't go to school. I work full time. I feel absolutely worthless. I (feel I) have nothing to contribute to society or my relationships. This latter is particulary difficult since I am engaged. Should I even bother getting married when my mind is rebelling against work? (Life is work and emotions are work and relationships are work. I can't seem to want to try for any of these).

I also feel that not going to school is actually causing me to be less intelligent in some way. So I guess it could be said that I have a selfesteem problem. But... it's a little more than that, I feel like.... I'm the black sheep to an entire universe.

At this very moment, I hear "reaching out to feel this moment, reaching out to embrace whatever may come." There was a time that I could feel this in my soul. As if God were speaking to me, breathing through me. And that magic is gone. God does not talk with me anymore. I see a beautiful sunset, and I feel betrayed.

So in conclusion, even though I was in one unhealthy relationship after another after another, at least I had a net of some kind. Not really.... It was more like I knew life couldn't be that much worse. (It can always get worse). I knew that my life was as low as it was going to get. I had hope. It was nice. Now my life is "better", but I know it can get worse. I have fear. And it won't leave. I'll never feel the same about Lateralus. In fact I don't think I'll ever listen to it again.

[tainednarf1014]

I know how you feel man. I too am engaged and I'm Diagnosed with Depression (not using it as an excuse). The only advice I can give is to not get down on yourself. Its not easy to do but it can be done. As for school I went to an alternative school which is (for those who don't know) a school for bad kids. I had a problem with getting up and going to school and I can honestly say I was absent for a large portion of my shool days. I eventually buckled down and started going after I started feeding myself adderall and welbuturin. I graduated a year late but it was worth that year. I was also ranked highest in my shool for my test scores. The point im trying to make with the later half of this is that just because you don't go to school doesn't mean your any ess of an intelect than someone else. Everyone has there path and yours might not require graduating, It doesn't mean it will be a shity non-intellectual path. The thing I've noticed about Tool and APC fans the most is that a majority of them are creative and intellectual (not to stereotype). So use what you have and make something good out of it. I'm 20 years old, have a one year old daughter and a fiancee and I have to wake up every morning and tell myself its gonna be alright. We all get stressed out and pissed off. I put that energy into my music. I play the guitar and lead vocals for my band The Chaos Theory. I use all of the negatives and stress factors and ball it up into positive energy to make music and write. Find your "Music" and put your energy into that. Ingnore other people because those people won't be around forever, and there's always someone who want's to boot your ass off cloud 9.

[Talonwulf]

Theres always a point in life it seems when u basically want to die.

When i was 11 everything was goin shit for me. I hated myself, I hated my parents, i hated my sister. I hated everything. I was a total loser. All cos of one *** who was my mate. I had been mates with this guy like 3 years back, we was my best mate. Then, i got best mates with sumone else after a fight. He was still my mate but not best. 3 years later my best mate wasnt in, so i decided to call on my old best friend. Old times sake. Fucking biggest mess up in my life. After that he got involved with me and my best mate.

All was fine at first, we hung out and stuff. Then out of the blue the other 2 started acting oddly towards me. They started using me as sum kind of scapegoat, they took the piss out of me all the time. I kept with them cos i basically didnt have anyone else to hang bout with back then.

Eventually it all stopped. But it seemed to be going the other way round. My best mate was getting fucked around by my old best mate. After a while I found myself listening to my old friend about how my best friend was saying shit about me. And its true, he was. But now i know that my old best mate had been saying the same thing to my best mate. I got pissed and never went out with my best mate ever again. I hung round with my old best mate now. Everyday he came to my house [i mean EVERY day]. My grades and school effort were slipping cos i couldnt do any homework cos all he dun was come to my house, i didnt get any free time

He even came on xmas day at 11 am and stayed at my house till like 10 pm. What the fuck is with that? I told him "dont come" but he came anyway. January comes, he attacks me for no reason.

I had no freinds. I was 13 at the time. I had always felt worthless, assholed, a fucking shithead. I almost killed myself with a knife, pointed a BB gun at my temple and so on. then i met a diff guy. Hes my best mate now, life seems great. I never got round to killing myself becos of music. Sumthin bout it just told me "stop whining and get on with it". I stick by that motto.

Now, I play my gutar, draw, write poems and stories. I feel like it was a good thing to happen. It taught me not to give a fuck what anyone else thinks as long as ur content urself. I think putting energies into sumthin creative helps. IO listen to music everyday and play my guitar without fail. Im more open minded, logical and hey my grades are good again.

All i gotta say is just dont give up. If u feel shit jsut tell urself ur strong by putting up with it, and if it gets wrse, theres always sumone wrse off than u. If ur depressed, it means ur stil lstronger than those who commit suicide.