Angel on the Sideline
02-13-2009, 07:04 AM
Lester Moe:
I congratulate you on the excellent idea of celebrating your father's 50th birthday by presenting him and your family with a PowerPoint tutorial on the glory of TOOL. As a father myself, I can think of nothing more I'd rather have on my birthday than a presentation about something I don't like. I hope when my next birthday rolls around I'll be given a PowerPoint presentation about the greatness of Fleetwood Mac.
I'd like to help you with your presentation. I'm assembling, for your benefit, a small list of things that you may wish to include to help your family better understand TOOL. I believe these things will strengthen what is already sure to be a fine presentation. I hope others will add to this so that your presentation can be as robust and convincing as possible. Maybe even your meathead cousin will come around to the glory of TOOL with our assistance.
Since we're under the Parabola heading, let's begin there.
1. The band is into math. A parabola has to do with geometry. This song is about geometry, which is a close cousin to science, which your mother teaches. This is a good start.
2. The band is in favor of a socialistic political policy that would provide glasses to all rabbits so that the carrots may live a full life and go uneaten. Rabbits and carrots are both living things and therefore related to science, which your mother teaches. You're 2-for-2 and really warming up with this point.
3. TOOL openly asks for Jesus Christ to come save their lives in Opiate. Your mother teaches in a Christian school, so she will appreciate this. By now your dad will be wondering why this presentation isn't for your mother. Relax, Mr. Moe. We'll come around to you.
4. Contrary to its title, TOOL does not have a song about prison inmates having sex with one another. That's probably been one of your dad's main objections to TOOL, so this will really get him to breathe a sigh of relief.
5. H is TOOL's favorite letter of the alphabet. Also, they prefer their letters to be a shade of red — scarlet, in fact. Also, 23 is their favorite number. Michael Jordan wore a red uniform and wore number 23. Michael Jordan was good. Hence, TOOL must be good, too. If your dad likes sports, you'll get him with this one.
6. 46 + 2 = 48. As Parabola has already shown, TOOL is very good at math.
7. Three eyes would be better than two. Biologically speaking, humans have only two eyes. But if we could evolve to have a third, that would be sweet. On second thought, leave this one off your presentation in case your mom doesn't teach evolution in her class.
8. TOOL preaches patience — that's a virtue.
9. TOOL says do not hold grudges — forgiveness is great.
10. It's okay for a man to weep like a widow.
11. The devil had Maynard down, but now he doesn't.
12. Lemon juice in the eye burns and produces crocodile tears. Therefore, TOOL suggests one does not put lemon juice in their eyes.
13. Krispy Kreme doughnuts are good.
14. TOOL wears Birkenstocks. I bet your dad does too. This point could be key to winning him over.
15. Thou shall not kill over a piece of the ground.
There's a start for you, Lester Moe. Best of luck with your presentation. I'm sure it's going to be stellar.
I congratulate you on the excellent idea of celebrating your father's 50th birthday by presenting him and your family with a PowerPoint tutorial on the glory of TOOL. As a father myself, I can think of nothing more I'd rather have on my birthday than a presentation about something I don't like. I hope when my next birthday rolls around I'll be given a PowerPoint presentation about the greatness of Fleetwood Mac.
I'd like to help you with your presentation. I'm assembling, for your benefit, a small list of things that you may wish to include to help your family better understand TOOL. I believe these things will strengthen what is already sure to be a fine presentation. I hope others will add to this so that your presentation can be as robust and convincing as possible. Maybe even your meathead cousin will come around to the glory of TOOL with our assistance.
Since we're under the Parabola heading, let's begin there.
1. The band is into math. A parabola has to do with geometry. This song is about geometry, which is a close cousin to science, which your mother teaches. This is a good start.
2. The band is in favor of a socialistic political policy that would provide glasses to all rabbits so that the carrots may live a full life and go uneaten. Rabbits and carrots are both living things and therefore related to science, which your mother teaches. You're 2-for-2 and really warming up with this point.
3. TOOL openly asks for Jesus Christ to come save their lives in Opiate. Your mother teaches in a Christian school, so she will appreciate this. By now your dad will be wondering why this presentation isn't for your mother. Relax, Mr. Moe. We'll come around to you.
4. Contrary to its title, TOOL does not have a song about prison inmates having sex with one another. That's probably been one of your dad's main objections to TOOL, so this will really get him to breathe a sigh of relief.
5. H is TOOL's favorite letter of the alphabet. Also, they prefer their letters to be a shade of red — scarlet, in fact. Also, 23 is their favorite number. Michael Jordan wore a red uniform and wore number 23. Michael Jordan was good. Hence, TOOL must be good, too. If your dad likes sports, you'll get him with this one.
6. 46 + 2 = 48. As Parabola has already shown, TOOL is very good at math.
7. Three eyes would be better than two. Biologically speaking, humans have only two eyes. But if we could evolve to have a third, that would be sweet. On second thought, leave this one off your presentation in case your mom doesn't teach evolution in her class.
8. TOOL preaches patience — that's a virtue.
9. TOOL says do not hold grudges — forgiveness is great.
10. It's okay for a man to weep like a widow.
11. The devil had Maynard down, but now he doesn't.
12. Lemon juice in the eye burns and produces crocodile tears. Therefore, TOOL suggests one does not put lemon juice in their eyes.
13. Krispy Kreme doughnuts are good.
14. TOOL wears Birkenstocks. I bet your dad does too. This point could be key to winning him over.
15. Thou shall not kill over a piece of the ground.
There's a start for you, Lester Moe. Best of luck with your presentation. I'm sure it's going to be stellar.